Blank Saturday Number 6

Fun Activity; Ignoring Scallies

This week I only did what I do normally, but as it was my chosen activity this week I made a special effort to do it well. It’s easy; you forget they are there. However, before you attempt to perform this activity well you have to reach a mental state so finely tuned that you can filter out any unwanted noise or twattish behaviour. Now this probably sounds difficult but just look at Cohen and Miller’s model or the “Cocktail Party Effect” and it becomes possible to envisage the concept. Selective attention does become easy with practice.

It was good today. I was like Charlie Brown at first. They were trying to communicate around me and all I could hear was an incoherent trumpet sound. Then my tiredness relented and I was able to achieve a zen-like trance, it was great; like living in a different place; No “Sound, like”, No “He was chattin’ Shit, like”, No “Whatever, like”, No “…and I was like saying and then he squared up to me and then I like sparked him and the he like tried to get up and I like stamped on his head like, I dunno who he was but the twat looked at me funny like,” Unfortunately this filtering take so much mental energy that it can only be done once a year. 

Rating; A blissful day 5/5

Top Tip;Try to find you nearest Buddhist master for proper tips on how to achieve zen. If this fails do a bit of reading around the subject. Whatever you do, do not try to get into a zen-like trance by sitting cross legged on the floor chanting “ohmmmm!”  This doesn’t work as life is not a bloody sitcom.

Blank Saturday Number 4

Fun Activity; Iconoclasm

In our twenty-first century existence people seem only too willing to accept the status quo. There seems to be no ideological conflict, was Fukuyama right?  Well unfortunately yes, there’s no future for grand narrative  dialectics driving forward human history.

From a moral standpoint however we don’t seem to have evolved, we seem to have regressed.  Indeed a philosopher leisurely strolling around a small-medium sized British town at 10 o’clock on a Saturday would be quickly disabused of their premises about moral evolution. 

This situation could be regarded as another status quo, and this moral status quo could be regarded as rudeness. Of course Religion is looked down upon as an outdated power structure  so the term Iconoclasm, in its classical sense, may seem a touch out of place. This level of rudeness,on the other hand, seems to be a touchstone for 21st century Britons; the commandment by which other people live their lives. In this sense Iconoclasm is relevant, hence today I felt like Martin Luther.

What did I do; I waited patiently for people to get off public transport, I held doors open for people, I used the phrases “Please” and “Thank You” and even “Excuse Me”, I refrained from pushing in at the bar, I was humble, I was quiet. What thanks did I get? None, bloody typical.

Rating; Leaves one with sense of moral cleanliness coupled with a gnawing sense of frustration. 3/5

Top Tip: Be careful, prepare mentally as the peoples’ rudeness will always reach new levels.

Blank Saturday Number 3

Fun Activity; Daydreaming

In today’s hustle and bustle this activity is very rewarding; you can go anywhere without leaving the confines of your seat. You can be anybody; Che Guevara, the drummer for Ian Brown, the Welsh player that misses the last penalty in a shootout at the end of a World Cup Semi-Final, a Kazakh sheep farmer, an Australian sheep farmer, a racist South African rugby fan…..

I chose to be Robbie Savage today and everybody loved me. I was standing in a hotel room and I was  looking at myself in a mirror; everybody in the room loved me, literally everyone loved me. Then I heard a familiar voice, I turned around and Ruud Gullit was sitting on the bed; he told me to “carry on being special” but I must remember one thing; “…when you are halfway there you still have half a journey to go”. Then he dissappeared.

I took this to mean that I will become the new Welsh Football Messiah. My powers of management  and I will transform the dross of League One into European Championship qualification play-off runners up heroes, just like I am!! Then I felt weird.

Rating: Free and can be fun but it can be unsettling and leave psychological scars that require therapy; 2/5 

Top Tip; Do not daydream in an unchecked fashion; if you appear to be getting strange looks from passers-by you are probably externalising, this can be very embarrassing. 

Blank Saturday 2

Fun Activity : Getting Annoyed in London

What better way to spend a pleasant afternoon than strolling casually through London? People walking into you; fantastic! Listening to people’s indiscreet private conversations; GIMME MORE! Seeing yet another style icon glide past with that practiced disdain? Yes yes yes!!!!!!!!

It started so well this morning; Someone actually said hello, someone else called me dude then another person called me dude. It become strange in the afternoon; firstly some south African weirdo looked at me funny, bloody hell the rugby playing wing of Apartheid had won, what’s with the negative waves baby? Then a maniac sporting a panama nearly ran me over with his bicycle, he may have been the man from Del Monte.

The creme de la creme; 2 hip young gunslingers sashaying through Camden. The twattish pair stylishly blocked my leisurly progress through Camden because they appeared to think that they were in the middle of an audition for T4; basically two minutes of ear splitting, zany “look at me, I’ll say anything ’cause I’m cool and you are scum” in ironic denim capri pant and side-parting chic. Their clothes could have done with some ironing.

Rating: For making a tired old cynic feel superior 5/5

Tip Top: If you don’t want to hear the words “THAT’S SOOOOOOO RANDOM” spoken at 120 decibels in a hip Carnaby Street Boutique, don’t go daddio.

It’s that time again – Blank Saturday 1

Now that the football has finally finished for like literally weeks, it’s time for the hardened football fanatic/sociopath to find something else to do with Saturday afternoons. We will now log the attempts to fill this void. Remember, we will rate each activity for you, so you don’t need to!!

Fun Activity : Shopping for Fabric

What a lovely way to spend a Saturday afternoon; surrounded by crushed velvet, simulated leopard skin and ersatz  Burberry check.  Whilst perusing the aisles I became so enchanted by the fabrics that ideas pulsed through my brain. Then it struck me; I could make my own clothes!!! I could finally have those clothes I’ve always wanted, clothes beyond the imagination of today’s design fascists. On a more prosaic level, in today’s climate you’d be crazy not to do this, especially at the prices they were charging.

I bought 10 metres of some blue fabric for £3, all I need now is a sewing machine.

Rating: Creative, economical and  boundless: 4/5

Top Tip:Don’t be fobbed off, if you want Paisley demand Paisley. If you want Burburry PVC don’t accept Tartan. If you want chain mail, find a blacksmith. 

Blank Saturday 5

Activity: Volunteering

After all of the self-centred activities that I have done I thought that it was about time that I gave something back. Consequently I volunteered to help organize a football tournament for the Bangor City Supporters’ Association. I felt worthy after this. I had to build a shelter, pump up footballs, carry things, direct traffic and give directions. Unfortunately I didn’t notice the suns’ rays at the time. Their effect was only evident in the pub afterwards; not only did I glow spiritually but it was also a physical state.

Top Tip: Never forget the sun tan lotion. Activity Rating: 5/5

Blank Saturday No.4

Activity: Shopping

You can combine this with Walking, the activity in Blank Saturday No.1, and not only lose pounds from your wallet but also pounds from your figure too. While is is not a traditional male-orientated activity I have found it an invaluable activity when you actually need something. You can also pick a frivolous item or two that helps with the daily grind. In that vein I got two DVDs, which I plan to watch at a later date, and a newspaper.

Top Tip: Don’t forget your money Activity rating: 3/5

Blank Saturday No.3

Activity – Hangover

This is not really recommended, unless you like nausea and pounding headaches. The hangover must be nature’s way of reminding you about the inherent evil of drinking alcohol. The first stage, nausea, was replaced by an uncomfortable clamminess as I sought any cool spot in bed. Fortunately this went after an hour. Unfortunately it was replaced by a lethargy that prevented me from doing anything constructive.

Top Tip: Don’t Drink Activity Rating: 0/5

Blank Saturday No. 2

Activity – Barbeque

There was only one problem with this activity; it rained. We had an indoor barbeque instead. Only it wasn’t a barbeque, it was a George Foreman grill. You could say that on the most basic grounds this wasn’t a successful afternoon. However the company ensured that it was very enjoyable.

We also played Pro Evolution Soccer on the Playstation 2. Our host was too good so he remained undefeated. The food was complemented by cold beers so the mood became jovial. All in all, a nice afternoon.

Top Tip: Cook the meat thoroughly to avoid an upset stomach. Activity Rating: 3/5

Blank Saturday No. 1

Usually this time of year (June) is the bain of a football fans’ life. Unless there is a major championship there is no football. I’ve decided to embrace this period as a time to rest and recuperate for next season, to recharge the batteries if you will. Consequently I have decided to use this time to try new and exciting hobbies.

Activity – Walking

What a pleasant day I chose to start this hobby, sunny and warm. Unfortunately the route I chose passed by evidence of football. Man United were conducting a “Soccer School” on the playing fields of my old school. “Learn to play the United Way” was the catchy slogan. It smacked a little of neo-imperialism to me. Catch-’em young, when their minds are pliable, and they’ll be a Man Utd consumer for the rest of their earthly existence. Their thinking probably runs; “North Wales, they play rugby there don’t they? Should be rich pickings then, no competition” No proper clubs here you see.

Anyway, on with the walking, it was very pleasant indeed. What would the world be like if people didn’t have the time to stop and stare? Well there would be less holidaymakers getting in my way that’s for certain. Finally, I’d recommend walking to anyone that hasn’t tried it.

Top Tip: Use the pavement. Activity Rating: 3/5