Just over four years ago Bangor City became the champions of Wales, nearly four years ago Bangor City played in the champions league, nearly four years ago I missed a football match.
My story starts with a Swiss draw, in a Swiss town, near a lake, in Switzerland…………
15th June 2011
Before today the outcome of the European draw and getting to the away leg were my main worries, at some point today “will I be allowed to put my flags on display?” crept into my collection.
The flags of the Jet Set slant from a certain direction and they are tolerated in Britain’s septic isle through support, bewilderment and indifference. Would they gain the same reception “on the continent”?
The problem is that flags have “varied, wide-ranging interpretations”, both decent left-wing fans and Cro-Magnon right-wing fans use flags. Take this example;
“UEFA’s Disciplinary Committee had fined FK Dinamo Zagreb 20,000 Euros because Zagreb fans had waved the Macedonian flag!
The Croatian public are stunned by this bizarre punishment and can not believe the European footballing body would be this unprofessional and racist. Dinamo Zagreb fans waved the Macedonian flag in their UEFA match against Greek based club PAOK”
The Greek government disputes Macedonia’s right to call themselves Macedonia. Hence Macedonia has to be called The “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” in the United Nations. The Dinamo Zagreb fans were obviously using the Macedonian flags to make a point. Will my flags excite a few emotions?
My own experience has shown that you have to be careful with flags “on the continent”.
– In 2006 I was prevented from displaying this flag in Graz because a steward told me it was “too politisch!!”. It was probably my fault, Wales were playing Trinidad & Tobago and I should have realised that Jack Warner didn’t want his eyeballs burned.
– In 2003 I was waiting for another member of the Jet Set outside the San Siro when two Carmarthen fans walked past displaying their flag. Two muscle-bound ultras tried to steal it. Fortunately their leader forced them to return it.
– In 2007 I went to watch Shelborne v Dundalk on the eve of the Ireland V Wales match in Croke Park and I was nearly the victim of a theft;
“Did anyone come across any Welsh at Tolka?? “
– “There was a ‘llandudno jet set’ flag at the corner of the riverside and ballybough end”
“That the s.kooligans spent the whole half planning to steal…”
And then there was the Montenegrin experience of my mate Phil;
“You might want to get in early.You might also want to keep your flags until you’re inside the stadium. The Ultras value them as trophies and this photo emerged of the stolen Welsh flags being displayed upside down after the game – the Ultras message that they “won” the fight.
I’ve heard that some were taken by Dickensian street urchins being paid by the older mob to dive and run off with the flags hanging outside bars. Other stories suggest the Ultras were a bit more brazen and simply beat up anybody who protested.”
Caution seems to be the approach as you’ll never know who’ll take offence, or even just take the flag. I don’t want to become the victim of a vicious attack and I don’t want to cause a diplomatic incident.
I sense my flags could cause offence if we drew the wrong club. Two of the flags feature the hammer and sickle and half of the clubs that Bangor can draw are from “behind the iron curtain”.
BATE Borisov
Maccabi Haifa 
Dinamo Zagreb 
Rosenborg 
APOEL 
Wisła Kraków 
Litex Lovech 
Viktoria Plzeň 
Slovan Bratislava 
Sturm Graz 
FK Partizan 
HJK Helsinki 
Ekranas 
Maribor 
Zestafoni 
Malmö FF 
Shamrock Rovers 
The fans of these clubs might see an unwelcome reminder of Stalinist tyranny. I imagine that my feeble protestations about the hammer and sickle’s other connotations – Anti-Stalinist POUM in the Spanish Civil War or Eurocommunism – wouldn’t placate irate ultras shouting at me in a language I can’t understand. On a similar note one of the flags contains the Palestinian flag, I wouldn’t imagine that the followers of the Israeli club would be happy at seeing that. (Whether I’d go there in the first place is a moot point).
With this in mind I thought it sensible to check whether the fans of our possible opponents might have a problem with my socialist flags (and then hope to avoid them.)
“It was brought to the attention of Celtic Fans Against Fascism that there have been increasing numbers of Dinamo Zagreb’s hooligan gang – the Bad Blue Boys – making visits to Glasgow and following Celtic in Europe in recent seasons. Much of the information available about the Bad Blue Boys suggests that they are predominantly right-wing in political outlook and have an extreme nationalist and Nazi element among their support.
On at least two separate occasions over the years the BBB have attacked our anti-fascist friends from St Pauli at Celtic’s European matches (in Zagreb and Budapest). The attacks were politically motivated. The BBB know St Pauli’s anti-fascist reputation and attacked them because of it.”
Wisla Krakow (and this is from a Krakow tourist website.)
“Unfortunately there is a dark side to Polish football. The rivalry between Wisla and Cracovia is so bitter and idiotic that it often descends into bouts of intense violence amongst the supporters, sometimes involving unlucky bystanders, so take our advice and try to steer clear of any fans on derby days! In general, avoid red-and-white stripes (Cracovia) or stars (Wisla) on your clothing, too. An additional blot on Polish football is that the few black players plying their trade here are often subjected to mindless verbal abuse from the fans. It’s a sad reminder that there is long way to go before we kick racism out of football (or the country in general).”
And there’s this from November 2008;“On Friday 20th April (2007) a group of supporters of SK Slovan Bratislava displayed a banner to celebrate the birthday of Adolf Hitler.
The banner carried the words “Alles Gute Adi (“Happy birthday Adolf”) and a smiley face in a form of Adolf Hitler. The letter S in this sign was replaced by a sigurnia – a symbol used as a sign for SS units.
This incident took place at the league match against FC Senec (1:1). Slovan supporters also were chanting
“racist, fascist, hooligans, repeated several times.This was not, however, an isolated incident connected with Slovan Ultras supporters. They are infamous for their similar racist and fascist behaviour – at a match with Artmedia Petrzalka on April 7th, in Bratislava, the same group of ultras chanted monkey noises directed at the German-born Karim Guede, who playes for Togo and as a defensive midfielder for Artmedia.
The approach of club officials and players is also quite disturbing. Players of SK Slovan greeted and clapped their supporters after the match. Slovan Ultras also published an article describing their meeting with club officials, which took place a couple of days after the match with Artmedia. The article says that the meeting was held in a very friendly atmosphere and they have been praised for their support for the SK Slovan team and received support for their activities from the club officials.
Not a word about the racist chanting, which happened at the same match, and not a word about the nazi symbols.”
“Bratislava – More than 50 people were injured in nationalistic-fuelled violence at a football game in south-western Slovakia. Thirty-one people were arrested in Saturday’s rioting – 18 fans for the home team in Dunajska Streda, one of the most important centres for Slovakia’s ethnic Hungarian minority, and 13 from the away team from Bratislava, a police spokeswoman in Bratislava said.
Violence had been feared ahead of the championship game between AC Dunajska Streda and Slovan Bratislava as hundreds of football hooligans and neo-Nazis from Hungary were expected to travel to the match. “
APOEL (taken from Nicos Trimikliniotis’ article; “Preventing racism, xenophobia and related intolerance in sport across the European Union”)
“Despite the ethnic division of the country for the last years, even to this day the ‘left-wing’ teams (Omonia, AEL, Alki and Nea Salamina) retain supporters amongst Turkish-Cypriots, whilst the ‘right-wing’ teams (APOEL, Anorthosis, Olympiakos, Apollon) are generally seen as nationalistic and some their supporters carry the Greek Flags to the matches, whilst in their banners one may often see far right-wing symbols. “
The display of Greek flags causes tension with left-leaning fans;
“AN OMONIA FC fan burnt the Greek flag on Sunday during the Nicosia football derby with archrivals APOEL, seemingly worsening the overly hostile climate between the supporters of the two clubs.
At the capital’s GSP stadium it appeared as if two different worlds had met: on the APOEL side — whose fan base is traditionally right-wing — there was a plethora of Greek flags being waved while on the Omonia side none were on display by its mostly left-wing supporters.
That was until an Omonia fan pulled out a Greek flag from his pocket and proceeded to light it on fire. The incident occurred just a few minutes into the….”
There is also this;
“APOEL is known to be a bastion of Disy supporters, the right-wing party now in opposition. An unofficial website proclaims the team is “100 per cent anti-communist“.
FK Partizan
It’s difficult to find evidence but it’s probably safe to assume that because their ultras chose the name “The Gravediggers” – with sub-groups called “Anti-Romi” and “Irriducibili NBG” – their fans probably aren’t too liberal.
The other clubs in the draw don’t seem to carry baggage. For example Malmo FF;
Looking at the flag situation it’s possible to deduce the following;
1. The left-wing connotations of my flags could enrage the fans of Dinamo Zagreb, Slovan Bratislava, APOEL, FK Partizan and Wisla Krakow so they’re are ruled out.
2. The Palestinian flag could enrage so this rules out Maccabi Haifa
3. The hammer and sickle could offend so the clubs from ex-state-socialist countries – BATE Borisov, Dinamo Zagreb, Wisła Kraków, Litex Lovech, Viktoria Plzeň, Slovan Bratislava, FK Partizan, Ekranas, Maribor and Zestafoni – are ruled out.
4. Sturm Graz are ruled out because of the over-zealous stewarding
The choice is down to; Malmo FF, Shamrock Rovers, Rosenborg and HJK Helsinki.
I’d go for Shamrock Rovers but I actually don’t care which of the four it is, well as long we play the second leg away on the Wednesday. Work-related you see.
17th June
Today I sent this e-mail to my hero Michel Platini, I hope it does some good….
“Cher Monsieur Platini,
On Monday Bangor City will finally take their place in the ante-chamber of the room containing the top table of European football and we cannot wait to taste the detritus of reflected glory. I say “finally” because the vicissitudes of UEFA’s blue sky thinking meant that Wales was once considered bereft of a televisual market capable of producing adequate revenue streams. As a result Bangor City was cruelly shifted to an adjacent property with smaller tables in 1994 and 1995.
But do not fear monsieur, that’s ancient history and we Bangor fans have suppressed the injustice deep within. At present we Bangor fans are too busy awaiting the draw with all of the enthusiasm that is humanly possible to worry about ancient history. We cannot sleep for thinking of the tantalising possibilities that the draw provides. Actually monsieur it is because of the draw that I am writing to you. I am asking for two points to be considered.
My first point is that I would like Bangor to be drawn at home in the first leg. If we are drawn away I can’t go due to the timing of the school holidays – As Eric might have said to Andrew Preview; “I have all the right holidays but not necessarily at the right times!!!”
My second point is that I would like a kind draw. I do not mean this in terms of the opposition’s playing strength (although this would be nice). I am referring to the proposed displays of the Bangor City flag drapers. Please indulge me on this point as experience has shown that one has to be careful with flags “on the continent”.
– In 2006 I was prevented from displaying a flag in Graz because a steward told me it was “Too Politisch!!”
– In 2003 I was waiting for a friend outside the San Siro when two muscle-bound ultras ripped a big flag from the clutches of two Carmarthen fans.
– In 2007 I went to watch Shelborne v Dundalk and I was nearly the victim of flag theft.
– In Montenegro Ultras value stolen flags as trophies and this was witnessed by my friend PhilI don’t want to become the victim of a vicious attack or cause a diplomatic incident I just want to fly my flags. Unfortunately I sense my flags could cause offence if we drew the fans of the following clubs;
Dinamo Zagreb are “….predominantly right-wing in political outlook and have an extreme nationalist and Nazi element among their support.
Wisla Krakow – “Unfortunately there is a dark side to Polish football. The rivalry between Wisla and Cracovia is so bitter and idiotic that it often descends into bouts of intense violence amongst the supporters, sometimes involving unlucky bystanders…..”
Slovan Bratislava – In April 2007 a group of their supporters displayed a banner carried the words “Alles Gute Adi (“Happy birthday Adolf”) and a smiley face in a form of Adolf Hitler.
APOEL – They are known to be a bastion of DISY supporters, the right-wing party now in opposition. An unofficial website proclaims the team is “100 per cent anti-communist“.
FK Partizan – They’re mates with Rhyl F.C.
Please bare the fact I want to avoid these clubs in mind when you’re performing the draw Monsieur Platini. If it’s not too much trouble I’d also like you to bare in mind the following points as well.
The hammer and sickle flag could offend fans of clubs from ex-state-socialist countries as they might see it as a reminder of Stalinist tyranny, not as a symbol of POUM or Eurocommunism. I don’t posses the requisite language skill to debate the point.
I have another flag that contains the Palestinian flag and I can imagine this might enrage Israelis; please can we avoid Maccabi Haifa?
I don’t want to go to Sturm Graz either because of the over-zealous stewarding
Monsieur Platini this leaves us with; Malmo FF, Shamrock Rovers, Rosenborg and HJK Helsinki as suitable candidates. Please try to make it one of them!
Please remember that your schedule from last season cost me a holiday, you owe me!!!
Yours in Football,
The Llandudno Jet Set”
19th June
Today I received a response from le grand Michel. It was a shame I couldn’t understand most of it.
“Cher Llandudno Jet Set
“Non, non, non. Je ne regrette de rien.
Les Pays de Galles est nul, Vous Welshies n’êtes rien. You are the sweat from ze Baboon’s bottom ha ha ha ha ha.
Comment vous vont-elles les aiment-elles les pommes, connard?
Bonnet de douche et bonne chance.
M. Platini”
I put it through Google translate…………What a rotter! I may have to admit defeat in my quest for justice.
On the other hand if Michel costs me a holiday for the second year in a row because of UEFA’ s inherent anti-Welsh racism I’ll be sending him a shoebox full of dogshit through the post.
20th June
Today was the draw, here’s a run through.
6:55 am – I wake up with a head full of unshakable bleakness.
8:20 am – I walk to work in the lovely summer sun. The joy I should be feeling is masked by a discernible darkness.
9.40 am – I log on to UEFA’s website to check the time of the draw – Midday CET – and check if they’ve managed to include Bangor City – They have – a sense of impeding doom clouded everything.
10:35 am – I get final confirmation from our man in the know that Bangor are in a mini group of 12. We can draw BATE, Rosenborg, Wisla Krakow, HJK Helsinki, Malmo or Shamrock Rovers.
I have two emotions; Anger (Platini didn’t listen to me) and hope (I’m not asking much; Shamrock Rovers, home leg first, both matches on Wednesdays). The darkness starts to have a silver lining. My sun is rising!
11:05 am – Second qualifying round draw commences. My sun is back, bring me sunshine, bring me Shamrock!!!!
11:19 am – HJK Helsinki v Bangor City. Jesus Finland again. We are away first. I can’t go.
My worst fears are confirmed, I have a mental eclipse.
11:20 am – Despair has descended, Platini actually hates me.
11:34 am – HJK’s intellectuals start leaving messages on Bangor City’s main message board;
– “What do you think the next happen now? RAPE TIME!”
“HAMMERTIME! will be a knockout in the first leg. “
– “Listen now you cunts! You’re shit and you now you are. I say that 5,6,7-0 atHelsinkiand maybe a draw away. I’m sorry but you don’t stand a change. You somehow won against Honka but you most certainly wonät win against us!”
“It’s rapetime! Bangor’s pub fatties will be in big trouble.”
– “It’s barbeque time!”
“We have Litmanen, Jari Litmanen! You have fatties, pub fatties!”
– “massage it with an egg! HJK to win on 9-1 aggregate.”
“Be careful when you arrive to Helsinki. This time it will not be funny village team in the forrest like Honka was. HJK is a huge club and they have notorious firm called sakilaiset. Avoid them if you can: http://youtu.be/DcpI16NQTNQ”
– “We have won professional teams 5-0, 5-1 and 6-2 so far this season so I can’t see no reason why we wouldn’t hammer an amateur team on the field.”
“Most of your players are at work now and meanwhile inHelsinki.. The professional players are on the training field practicing for the next game.”
Some sentiments may be lost in translation but I like the sound of “massage it with an egg.”
12:09 pm – The more sensible HJK fans get involved;
– “I think most of the trolls you’re getting at the moment have nothing to do with HJK and more with you humiliating Honka last year.
Granted HJK is the most hated team inFinland(23 times champion). We expect to go through from this draw, but past results have shown there is no room for arrogance. See you in Helsinki and Wrexham?”
“Welcome toHelsinkiand friendly apart from those monkeys like sakilaiset”! Most of the people will be nice”
12:35 pm – I curse the soul of Monsieur Platini.
12:50 pm – I curse the soul of Lennart Johnansson.
12:55 pm – I curse the soul of Artemio Franchi.
1:05 pm – I curse the soul of David Cameron.
1:30 pm – I curse the soul of Jamie Redknapp.
2:00 pm – I curse the soul of Harry Redknapp.
2:30 pm – I curse the soul of Louise Redknapp, and Tim Lovejoy.
3:00 pm – Our man on the inside tells me that they’ve switched the ties around. Now we are at home in the first match. Now I can go! NOW I CAN FUCKING GO!!!!
3:20 pm – Someone else texts me; “Nothing’s been confirmed yet, don’t book anything!”
3:25 pm – I wonder how long the flights to Helsinki will be available.
8:25 pm – During the Llandudno Jet Set’s latest match in Llandudno’s gladiatorial six-a-side league I made a decision; “I must be in Finland!”. This poignant moment is only ruined by the match ball flying past my head and into the goal. (The other team are now winning 3-2.)
9:00 pm – Check Phone – No confirmation of dates from our man in the know.
9:05 pm – Check Expedia.co.uk for flights, Birmingham and Manchester are best bets – No confirmation so far.
9:10 pm – Check e-mail for confirmation – No confirmation so far
9:11 pm – Find flights from Birmingham for £202. Check e-mail for confirmation – No confirmation so far
9:15 pm – Find flights from Manchester for £169. Check message boards for confirmation – No confirmation so far
9:20 pm – Find flights from Manchester for £162. Check UEFA website for confirmation – No confirmation so far.
9:25 pm – Find flights from London for £132. Check e-mail for confirmation – No confirmation so far
9:30 pm – I finally receive text from our man in the know – “The dates are 99% certain but don’t book anything until tomorrow!”
21st June
I attended Bangor City’s practice match with Anglesey’s Island Games team and sniffed around for any information. I heard that the match dates are 99.9% certain. “The Team have booked, so we are going to later tonight blah, blah, blah.” That curly tosser of a UEFA president has still to confirm the actual dates……
Every August bank holiday I notice that the fixtures for the group stage in the “Proper Champions League for Proper Clubs” are subject to the little star. Last year I checked what the little star denoted. A little star denotes that certain fixtures are subject to confirmation by a cabal of heartless administrators within a period of roughly 114-246 hours after the draw is made. Of course I may have been hallucinating. But then what am I complaining about, uncertainty is the biggest thrill of all in this humdrum existence. Anyhow, I am reassured that they treat “The Bangor Cities” of this world in the same way as they treat “The Anderlechts” of the world.
10:35 pm – I see flights from Birmingham to Helsinki on my required dates – Leaving Tuesday night (arriving on Wednesday in plenty of time for the match) and returning Friday. They cost £202.
10:36 pm – I check with our man in the know. He says the dates are “Deffo”
10:37 pm – I book those flights.
10:38 pm – I’m on my way to Helsinki!!!
22nd June
9:00 pm – I book two nights accommodation in Helsinki’s Olympic stadium. I can’t wait to bask in all those memories; Emil Zatopek’s greatest hour, the start of Welsh football’s last great false dawn, a big owl resting on a goal, Karolina Kluft winning a medal………….mmmmmmmmmmm Karolina.
I plan to enrol on an intensive Finnish course.
With the help of the internet I go on a mental trip around Helsinki………It’s bus 55 from the airport……..I need to get a Helsinki card ……… oooooh I must go to the exhibition about the Winter War ………. The public transport system is excellent ………. How much is a day ticket?…..
I feel good (and knew that I would!!) The sunshine is bright and my summer will be great!!!
11:00 pm Unfortunately Monsieur Bignose (he haw he haw he haw) still hasn’t fucking confirmed the fucking date of the fucking matches. In order to keep my spirits up I design a flag for my travels. It’s entitled “HOMAGE TO THE HJK INTELLECTUALS WHAT INVADED THE BANGOR MESSAGE BOARDS.”
23rd June
3:30 pm – The following message appeared on facebook;
“Please note the following statement issued from UEFA: In case of qualification of BK Häcken (SWE) and FC Honka Espoo (FIN) to the Europa League second qualifying round, the match HJK Helsinki (FIN) vs Bangor City FC (WAL) must be played on Tuesday 19th July.”
3:31 pm – The contents of the message finally hits me and something falls over in my head.
Giddy euphoria is replaced by a bilious sickness in the pit of my stomach.
The fact that I’ve paid for non-refundable flights suddenly hits me.
The fact that my plane arrives in Helsinki on FUCKING WEDNESDAY FUCKING MORNING is suddenly written in 100 feet high floodlit pink letters in my imagination.
FUCKING UEFA, A FUCKING CHIMP WITH ACCESS TO FUCKING WIKIPEDIA COULD HAVE WORKED OUT IN FIVE FUCKING MINUTES THAT HONKA COULD BE PLAYING AT HOME THE FUCKING DAY AFTER BANGOR WERE DUE TO FUCKING PLAY.
DESPITE FUCKING ORGANISING THE DRAW, DESPITE CARRYING OUT THE FUCKING DRAW AND THEN DESPITE PUTTING THE FUCKING OUTCOME OF THE FUCKING DRAW ON THEIR BASTARD WEBSITE UEFA TOOK SEVENTY FUCKING TWO FUCKING HOURS TO DEIGN TO FUCKING ANNOUNCE THERE “MIGHT” BE A CHANGE IN THE FUCKING ARRANGEMENTS.
And to think I ignored the neurotic internal voice metallic taunts“Are you sure? Are you sure?” as I read out my card details to the helpful man working for Expedia.
Incidentally, there’s no confirmation of any events on UEFA’s website and the phone of our man in the know has suddenly gone silent.
24th June
I awake with a black hole in my soul.
I curse the soul of Monsieur Platini.
I curse the soul of Lennart Johnansson.
I curse the soul of Artemio Franchi.
I curse the soul of David Cameron.
I curse the soul of Jamie Redknapp.
I curse the soul of Harry Redknapp.
I curse the soul of Louise Redknapp, and Tim Lovejoy.
I curse the soul of Gregg Wallace
I curse the soul of Jon Gaunt – “Gaunty” to his friends
I curse the soul of Fearne Cotton
25th June
Again I awake with a black hole in my soul.
I curse the soul of Monsieur Platini.
I curse the soul of Lennart Johnansson.
I curse the soul of Artemio Franchi.
I curse the soul of David Cameron.
I curse the soul of Jamie Redknapp.
I curse the soul of Harry Redknapp.
I curse the soul of Louise Redknapp, and Tim Lovejoy.
I curse the soul of Gregg Wallace
I curse the soul of Jon Gaunt – “Gaunty” to his friends
I curse the soul of Fearne Cotton.
I curse the soul of Richard Littlejohn
The clouds don’t lift
26th June
I have a thought;
“Bugger it, I’m going to Helsinki whether Platini likes it or not!”
27th June
My head is at peace as I realise that Honka and Hacken will prevail.
30th June
Honka drew 0-0 at home with Estonian team and Hacken draw 1-1 away in Luxembourg. Man I love Freeview teletext!!
1st July
My hopes are rekindled. I have the chance to dream again. The sunshine has returned. Is that birdsong?
7th July
Honka win 2-0 and Hacken win 5-1 in their respective second legs.
FUCKING HONKA ESPOO AND THEIR DECISION, THE BASTARDS ONLY HAVE A 3,500 AVERAGE YET THEY NEED A GROUND WITH A 10,000 CAPACITY. THE SELFISH BASTARDS, THEY’RE NOT EVEN FROM FUCKING HELSINKI.
9th July
I now have evidence there is a conspiracy against the Llandudno Jet Set.
1. Honka nominate a ground with a 10,000 capacity for their second qualifying round match when their average is barely 2-3,000-ish.
2. UEFA make their draw and Honka are magically playing at home in the second leg in the SAME week that Bangor City are in Helsinki (This is fishy because the Europa League draw took place after the Champions League draw).
3. UEFA casually announce their plan to shift Bangor City’s match after the club had sorted their arrangements. It’s all adding up….
The concrete evidence comes from two places. Firstly, tweets from TWO different sources on Twitter;
@EganRichardson .”….or have Honka play in Vantaa, they don’t need 10,000 seats. I’ll be surprised if they get more than a thousand for Häcken.”
“….club football isn’t big in Finland, “
“Is there a chance they’ve developed a passionate hatred of Bangor, and are doing this purely out of spite?”
@mirkobolesan“I think they’ve developed a passionate hate of @LlandudnoJetSet“
Secondly, a post on the When Saturday Comes message board;
“Last time Honka played a euro game in Töölö they got a crowd of about 300 and lost to an Azeri team. During the second leg against Nomme Kalju, one of the Finnish tabloids had an article on their website titled ‘will Honka humiliate Finnish football again?‘. They’re not massively popular over here either.”
I rest my case. It’s patently obvious that Honka and Platini has a vendetta against the Llandudno Jet Set.
This will not stand!!I decide to move for Platini’s impeachment
The first step in this campaign will be to make this flag for my Finnish trip. I will proudly fly it during the Honka v Hacken match.
10th July
You just can’t sleep for the twists and turns (of the knife) in this story!!! Your humble narrator returns………..
If you care to remember the trouble began with a short message of 40 odd words, the kind of short message that’s spirit-crushing and numbing, like being jilted by a cold disinterested girlfriend. Mind you even though the message caused all my trouble I really can’t blame the message, it’s just a group of words;
“Please note the following statement issued from UEFA: In case of qualification of BK Häcken (SWE) and FC Honka Espoo (FIN) to the Europa League second qualifying round, the match HJK Helsinki (FIN) vs Bangor City FC (WAL) must be played on Tuesday 19th July.”
The fact that this message was just like every other message of its kind – clear and unequivocal – helped me to deal with the situation. There isn’t a hint of grey; if Honka and Hacken won Bangor WOULD be playing on the Tuesday. I reconciled myself to this fact, it’s UEFA’s rules and….;
“…..the problem has arisen because Honka, who were beaten by Bangor in last season’s Europa League, have nominated HJK’s Sonera Stadium for their second round home leg.
The fixture would be played on Thursday 21 July but Uefa regulations state that the away side must be allowed to train on the pitch, traditionally the evening before.”
The doubt was obliterated by a text from our man in the know and another page on the internet;
“We’ll (Bangor City’s Official Delegation) get in there for late Monday evening [and] the players can have a good rest and a light training session before the match on Tuesday evening.
“But hopefully the best thing that could happen is for Honka to be knocked out in the first qualifying round, with all due respect to them, and it won’t affect anyone then.”
Jones has admitted a change of date for the second leg in Finland could inconvenience some City fans who have already made travel arrangements.
“We do apologise on behalf of the club for that but unfortunately it’s out of our hands and [there’s] nothing we can do,” he said.”
All of a sudden I felt like the proverbial “Sonny Jim” and like I said, to be fair Graham, I was getting on with my life.
Every member of the blue army (I’m Commissar first class) reassured me that I’d have a day with the blue army in Helsinki. Then I remembered that I’d get to see a match while I was over there, not the right one but it would be something. I was even looking forward to visiting that Winter War exhibition.
Now that the world wasn’t totally depressing I began to think of other things. I’d planned to meet up with some of my friends from Midtjylland in the Marches this Thursday. Yes life was back to normal, the fact I was missing Bangor’s away match wasn’t even gnawing at me, I was fine, never felt better mate. Then….
This afternoon a charitable soul left the following message on Bangor’s Blue Moider Message Board;
“Haha. The second qualifying round tie had been changed because of Honka in the Europa League on thursday but actually they are not even playing in Helsinki Stadium. They will play in Vantaa! Those Uefa bastards!
“
The shock of the announcement took several minutes to sink in. The reason that UEFA gave for moving Bangor’s game no longer applied. I’d conditioned myself to certain ideas then a curve ball caused strike 3 for my peace of mind.
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WON’T THOSE BASTARDS LEAVE ME BE?
I was desperate to prove that the message had been left by a notorious wind up merchant so I checked UEFA’s website . Then I checked Honka’s website. Unfortunately both websites confirmed that Honka weren’t playing in HJK’s stadium anymore.
Then I had another thought; this was good news, now we could play on Wednesday!!!.
This was an illusion shattered by a text from our man in the know;
“No, Bangor’s game is confirmed for Tuesday”.
Before the draw I wasn’t aware that the word “confirmation” was so nuanced. Honka’s nomination of HJK’s ground must have been “confirmed” otherwise UEFA would not have gone to the trouble of notifying us. I can’t see why Bangor City seem to be getting the shitty end of the deal, well apart from the obvious conspiracy, a thesis reinforced by today’s other news. The referee for tomorrow’s match is Anton Genov and Monsieur Genov was suspended for dodgy dealing 2 years ago;
“Uefa has suspended a Bulgarian referee while it investigates “obvious irregular betting patterns” around an international friendly between Macedonia and Canada on 14 November. Anton Genov, will not be allowed to officiate an international, Champions League or Europa League fixture during the investigation.
“After interviewing the referee in question, Uefa has decided not to appoint Anton Genov to any European matches until further notice,” said a Uefa spokesman, Rob Faulkner, in a statement.
Genov awarded four penalties, two to each side, during Macedonia’s 3-0 victory in Strumica.
Betting operators reportedly were alerted by the number of wagers placed on at least three goals being scored and on the number of penalties awarded.
The 43-year-old has been on Fifa’s list of referees approved to take charge of international matches since 1999. Referees must be on the list to be considered for selection to officiate at World Cup finals.
On Monday the Bulgarian Football Union fired its referee commission which has responsibility for appointing officials to matches and assessing their performance. The BFU cited a series of mistakes made by referees in league and cup matches.”
Cartesian logic allows me to deduce the following;
Bangor City won’t win a free kick tomorrow night.
Here the process;
HJK are worried about facing Les Davies => HJK have bigger pockets than Bangor City=>There’s a bent referee taking charge => I saw Monsieur Genev swanning around Rhyl in a brand new fur coat this afternoon => UEFA have it in for the Llandudno Jet Set => Ergo Bangor City won’t win a free kick tomorrow night.
Football stinks!!!!
11th July – A Plan is formulated!
UEFA are still going ahead with their plan therefore……here’s my plan for the FC Honka v Hacken match.
1. I will blag my way in.
2. I will unfurl this flag;
3. The flag will be seen by 100s of millions on television.
4. In this age of social media the flag will become a beacon of protest before going on to be regarded as THE avatar of the zeitgeist.
For the Stadium Walls
I will make a mixture of chocolate cake and chocolate mousse to create my very own dirty protest against my disgusting treatment at the hands of UEFA and FC Honka. I will need to buy a bucket in Helsinki.
On the Streets
I will liberally place these creations around the avenues and alleyways of Helsinki.
The Result
The corrupt edifice of UEFA will collapse within the next 4 and a half years.
13th July
Bangor City 0 HJK Helsinki 3 UEFA champions league second qualifying round first legUEFA’s patently corrupt dealings had caused a tussle between the positive and negative parts of my psyche. First there was a chance I could still see Bangor away, then there wasn’t, then there was, then I didn’t want to go. Then those Honka bastards won in Estonia. Then I thought “Sod it, I’ll go to Finland anyway“. At the end of the day it was “Next stop Rhyl!!!”
Even though this tie had become a mere unwelcome intrusion I still went. I’m a happy camper today, time and logic had brought peace to my mind.
It felt quite odd to be in Rhyl on a July Wednesday evening but a couple of drinks sorted this. Twitter had provided a loose plan about bumping into a couple of people; the man behind European Football Weekends and someone from the When Saturday Comes message board.
I waited around the assigned location of the meeting, the Vegas bar, but I didn’t notice any new faces. There weren’t as many of the usual faces either, a delayed train from Bangor someone said. At about 5:15 I left for the ground to try and sell some stuff.
The ground was alive with people, including some flag carrying dudes from Helsinki. Bangor City were in the European Cup, the sun was on our faces and victory was in our hearts. ‘Twas a great day to be alive!! Unfortunately Litmanen wasn’t present, I’ll never see him live again. I’ve seen Robbie Savage play quite a lot, life’s a beach as they say in Rhyl.
In the first half Bangor were fine until a defensive slip and a failed offside trap created a HJK goal. This was rather dispiriting as the club that tends to score first in Bangor’s European matches tends to win (It’s not usually Bangor City) We attempted to push HJK back but there were only a couple of dangerous shots on target. When half time arrived things were still hopeful, we just needed a good start to the second half.
The second half was excellent for the first ten minutes. We had the pressure, we had the possession, we looked like we could do something but we didn’t have many shots and most of the time the ball didn’t seem to bounce in the right place.
HJK didn’t look light years away from Bangor, they were simply more clinical with scoring opportunities. For example HJK’s second goal was a scorching breakaway preceded by ten minutes of constant Bangor pressure. The fact that HJK didn’t look that fantastic meant the blue army still held on to the embers of hope for next week.
The match wasn’t just frustrating because Bangor hadn’t turned their possession into a goal or two, three characters – number 11 Mathias Lindström, number 17 Dawda Bah and number 19 Aki Riihilahti – sullied the evening. These three have been added to the Jet Set’s list of infamy. (Present members; Martyn Naylor, Lee Hunt, Neil Gibson.)
The first one that came to my attention was the rather precious Bah, he seemed to be a bit of a player but clouded this idea with his antics; he got into such a tizzy lecturing Bangor players for attempting to tackle him he forgot he was a dirty bastard, he also got so worked up while castigated Bangor players for “diving” he forgot that he liked to win free kicks. I cursed his soul.
Lindstrom was a masterclass in defending, if you like the cynically violent style. A push in the back here, a nudge here, a full frontal assault there. At one point he literally dragged Les from the pitch just before a corner was taken. Then this fucker laughed about it. I cursed his soul.
As for Rihiilahtii, he tried to sexually harrass Les at every available opportunity. He was literally all over him and when I say literally all over I mean LITERALLY ALL OVER HIM. At first I struggled to recollect his vaguely familiar face. It was the assassin’s smile that reminded me that this fucker used to play for Crystal Palace. I checked Dylan’s programme, he was Aki Rihilaahti, and to think I nearly went for a drink with him in Aston Villa’s player’s lounge (a story too long and tedious to recount). I cursed his soul.
Unsurprisingly UEFA’s bent ref failed to see any of this nefarious activity.
Just before we left Rhyl FC they remembered that Bangor fans were scumbags and we had to leave in the manner of Andy Dufresne; via a narrow alleyway next to an open sewer. What a charming way to treat visitors.
For an excellent, and less partisan, view of the day read European Football Weekends.
14th July
XXX XXX XXXXXX X FC Midtjylland 3 europa league 2nd qualifying round first legA match happened this evening.
When the draw threw these two clubs together it appeared to be the perfect opportunity to reacquaint myself with the Black Wolves. (Bangor City fans and the Black wolves developed a bit of a friendship when we played each other in 2008.)
Fate was on my side, during the week before the match Hekler (one of the main faces in the Black Wolves) got in touch via Facebook. My doubts about giving XXX XXX XXXXXX money evaporated in thoughts of comradeship.
I was looking forward to a trip to Wrexham until I checked the match details; it was due to take place in the Marches, another sign Platini is conspiring against the Jet Set! Well big sweaty bollocks to UEFA I still made arrangements with Hekler; we would meet near the five-a-side pitch with country club accoutrements.
The staff of Arriva Trains Wales, those unsmiling bulwarks against anarchy, caused me to missed my train. Despite my entreaties about missing a train to a very, very important football match the man with a heart of purest granite refused to let me pass. I promised to buy a ticket on the train but“Mister I don’t make the rules” wouldn’t have that. There’s just no trust anymore.
I finally arrived in Gobowen, down the road from XXX XXX XXXXXX, 5 minutes before kick off. My taxi driver was disappointed the FCM fans were less numerous than the hundreds of Irish fans that had used his services in the previous round. He continued wittering until I told him I was Bangor fan, whereupon he was struck dumb. The anti-Bangor omerta over Shropshire bites hard
Park Hall thronged with three empty sides, all I had to do was find Hekler and the boys in the vast crowd. I put on my honourary black and red Black Wolves scarf and sashayed past the admiring glances of the bovine masses in the temporary stands. I saw the envy in face after face.
I eventually found Hekler on the front row just past the halfway line. There were 4 FCM fans and all were very friendly. Hekler’s welcomed me with the international “Where the fuck have you been?” shrug and we settled down for a pleasant chat whilst the match passed by.
FCM were too good for XXX XXX XXXXXX as their speed, movement and skill wasn’t impeded by the plastic pitch. Some notable Welsh Premier board posters hoped this wouldn’t happen. Hekler told me that FCM play on plastic all the time in training so it wasn’t a surprise they were comfortable. The half time score was 0-0. Half time meant a few beers with the Black Wolves and it was good to spend time with people from far away whilst pursuing a common activity.
The second half was more of the same; FCM in general control while XXX XXX XXXXXX offered a threat from occasional bursts and set piece work. the latter being the avenue by which they constructed their goal. A corner led to Steve Evans heading the ball home. I could see tension in the shoulders of the Black Wolves.
Thankfully we only had to wait five minutes for the equaliser, and then a few more minutes for FCM’s second. FCM scored a third just before the final whistle. Nobody really likes seeing XXX XXX XXXXXX win, even their fans secretly realise each victory is a football crime.
After the match FCM’s players came over to say hello, even I had a few high fives!!! We all entered the Venue for some strange looks and a few beers before I made my excuses and left in another taxi. It was nice to know that football can bring people together.
20th July HJK Helsinki 10 Bangor City 0 UEFA champions league second qualifying round second legI wasn’t able to go to this match but I didn’t let a small detail like this stop me from going to Helsinki.
Postmodernists tell us that “pseudo-events” are common occurrences. The Heysel Stadium Disaster, the Gulf War and September the 11th didn’t happen per se, even if we watched them happen on the news, or were actually there. Postmodernists say that we don’t actually watch events happen, we watch representations of events, stuff that looks like events. They call these representations “pseudo-events“.
Postmodernists also tell us that meta-narratives no longer explain the world because each person’s version of reality is as valid as the next person’s view of reality.
The educated amongst you may dispute these ideas because they sound like a load of gobbledigook. The more charitable may limit their praise to the fact that these ideas helped The Matrix to come to fruition. I doubted postmodern ideas until today, now I see that they are not just plausible they are right!
My first act in Birmingham airport was to find a computer. I paid a pound for 10 minutes of internet access to read one line updates on UEFA’s website.
At exactly the same time as I was reading a computer screen other Bangor fans were in Helsinki watching Bangor play. Who can possibly decide which group of fans was having the true football experience? Weren’t we both doing the exactly same thing? We were both hoping a short match incident would bring joy. I let the surreality of this situation slide because postmodernism had been proved.
I knew postmodernism was right, I just knew it.
I mean If I couldn’t take heart in postmodern ideas how the fuck am I meant to explain this all to myself and retain a degree of sanity?
I’d have to pretend that I was sitting in FUCKING BIRMINGHAM AIRPORT READING ABOUT A FUCKING MATCH THAT I SHOULD HAVE WATCHING IN THE FUCKING GROUND, PLATINI YOU’RE A FUCKING CUN……………….
According to UEFA’s text the 29th minute of the match was just like any other but it wasn’t like any other moment, it was the moment I realised that the postmodernists ironically held the monopoly on truth. In the 29th minute of the match these simple words appeared on the screen;
29′ – Hoy (Bangor City) makes a save.
As you’ll know,”Peter Hoy Football Genius” is a full back. My postmodern epiphany meant that I could no longer feel the match, I couldn’t visualise the stadium, I couldn’t visualise the crowd, I couldn’t visulise the corrupt refereee, I couldn’t visualise the bounce of the ball, I couldn’t visualise anything.
How did I know the match was actually happening? I had no way of knowing. All I had was only a representation of a match, a match via the cypher of a typist’s imagination. It was quite clear that I was in the middle of a “pseudo-event“. When I left to check in the score in the “pseudo-event” was 0-0.
I was 20 minutes too early for the check in desk but too far away from a computer. I was suddenly surrounded by instructive books in Smiths, I owed myself the chance to develop my personality. Before I knew it I had killed 23 minutes, forgotten about the treachery of Platini and developed my personality.
I say “developed my personality” but this skeleton of a phrase doesn’t do justice to the self-development I underwent. Today was be the day I was on the road to blue-sky thinking by finally committing to becoming the faciliator / caretaker / Jongleur. I’d make changes like a “The Boardroom Tiger” with the vision of “The Workfloor Osprey” and the wise direction of “The Car Park Owl”. I now felt able to delegate, legislate and fornicate at the same time. I could survive and thrive!!! I was a Tiger!!!!!!! ROOOOAR!!!!!!!!!! Just after I’d developed emotionally I had to check in.
The strain of removing my belt before the almighty security scanner evaporated the second wave of my personal development. My dignity / share value fell quicker than my trousers. This was probably why every Gordon Gekko wannabe wore braces, although they would have to have plastic clasps to make it through 21st century security gates.
My unopened bottle of pepsi was considered so offensive it had to be surrendered, you can’t tell me that the carbonated drinks industry and Platini aren’t behind the ban on taking more than 100ml of liquid in your hand luggage. I was less a Tiger more a dormouse yearning for another reasonably priced internet terminal.
I saw another terminal and my heart skipped a beat, I logged safe in the knowledge that Bangor would be 2-0 up. The screen decided to tell me that Bangor were losing 8-0. I remembered that I watched watching a “pseudo-event” and therefore wasn’t actually happening. My footballing habits predated my epiphany so I remained logged in until the end of the “pseudo-event“. The “pseudo-event” may have ended 10-0 but it was a “pseudo event” so it didn’t matter.
Even though it was a “pseudo-event” other people had been hoodwinked into believing this was a real event. The message boards hummed; “Ha ha ha Bangor are shit” they said, “This is the worst day for Welsh Football ever” they said, “Bangor, you’re an embarrassment” they said.
If only the poor saps knew they’d been hoodwinked!!! As I boarded the flight for Paris I pitied the poor saps, I laughed at the poor saps.
21st July
Aeroport Charles de Gaulle may be many things but it’s no place to spend a night, especially if you’re awake. There’s no absolutely no light relief, no shops are open, no change machines are available and the only entertainment is walking past the same disgruntled would-be passengers every 20 minutes. The authorities won’t even let your imagination flow as they turn off the departures board.
The only thing you can do is wait for madness to take hold.
I tried to obtain change but my polite requests were met with shrugs of condescension, when I finally found someone behind a desk that was willing to help a 10 franc piece was part of the change, Euros had only been legal tender for nine years.
For the first three hours the only things that occupied my mind were the potential causes of the crack in the pane of glass that faced me and the thoughts, the thoughts, the thoughts.
……………….. FUCKING PLATINI, YOU AND YOUR BASTARD IDEAS LOOK AT WHAT THEY’VE LED TO YOU CUN………………..
When every possible detail of the crack was considered I ended CSI Insomia and developed my conclusion; a blunt (or sharp) object from a French (or non-French) source had collided with the glass thus causing the crack. The next ride in my mental fairground was guessing which person would be next to walk past, and then betting against myself. I was right 3 times!!!
………………….. I’LL COME TO SWITZERLAND ONE DAY, JUST YOU SEE IF I DON’………………..
I thought it prudent to sit near people but unfortunately the seats I picked were situated near a snack machine. People taunted me with their copious amounts of change. The elusive bounty of the machine glistened, taunting, silently taunting.
I looked at the clock, there were only 6 hours until my flight.
……………………….. I’LL SHOW YOU HOW TO MAKE A FUCKING DRAW YOU CURLY PRI ………………………..
I hit upon a novel idea, I would try to fall asleep. This is harder than it sounds in an airport where bench armrests prevent comfort, although even with the armrests my plan worked beautifully.
A couple of rough shoves awoke me. I slowly turned my head around. Four thick set armed policemen were standing over me.
The most intellectual flic spoke les bon mots; “En Vacances monsieur?” My startled brain remembered enough GCSE French to produce a passable answer; “Oui monsieur, Je vais au ‘elsinki parce que le grand connard Platini est un grand connard”. Halfway through my answer they saw a gentleman of north African extraction lying on the opposite bench. They thought putting the fear of God up him would be more satisfying.
This was probably the most unsettling 10 minutes I’ve ever spent. The whole quartet glared at a fellow human being as if they’d just wiped him off their foot. The head policeman obviously didn’t trust his story. He checked with HQ, HQ called back, he asked the confused guy more questions and then checked with HQ again. The tone was beyond threatening. Then they just left, as if their Pizzas were now ready. The look on the man’s face said it all; resignation. If ever ten minutes could partly explain social problems this was it.
…………………………. FUCKING PLATINI, YOU AND YOUR MATES IN THE POLICE, YEAH VERY GOOD YOU’VE SEEN THE IPCRESS FILE……………. LOOK AT YOU, YOU SICK BASTARD, USING ONE OF MY FAVOURITE FILMS AGAINST ME ……………………………….. I’LL GET YOU ONE DAY, SEE IF I DON’T…………………..…………………… Platini’s plan worked; I had forgotten my name, I had forgotten the Ipcress noise, I had forgotten the Ipcress File, I had forgotten why I was in Paris …………….
I still had 5 hours to kill in a closed airport.
…….. I’LL GET YOU CURLY TWAT IF IT’S……………..
Somehow I made it through with 20 minutes of sleep, warm thoughts of cold Helsinki hospitality and drunken Bangor bonhomie helped immensely. I touched down in Helsinki just in time for the Finnair bus to leave without me.
Helsinki was very warm, all I needed was a warm Olympic Stadium hostel welcome, a cold shower and socket to recharge a phone. I was safe in the knowledge that last night’s match was a “pseudo-event” .
I arrived at the hostel in a state of shock. on the last stretch of the walk to the hostel I had walked past the Sonera stadium – HJK’s ground – as it sits next to the Olympic Stadium. This was very upsetting. I suddenly remembered that I should have been there to watch Bangor…………………I was going to be there until that curly prick Platini intervened.
After a cold drink and a sit down I remembered that yesterday’s match was a “pseudo-event”. The combined effect of tirdeness and stress upon a fragile yet complicated human mind is terrible.
Unfortunately I became unsettled again, just before I entered the hostel I had noticed the car of the Bangor fans that were supposed to be staying in the hostel (they had spent the last three months travelling around Europe in it). For a second I comforted myself that it was a hallucination but there was an unmistakable Bangor City car sticker in the back window. I tried to find my friends but they weren’t in the hostel and the person on the front desk hadn’t seen them, had I actually seen the car?
As I was getting ready I noticed that Cabs had sent me a message. I was to meet them in “Henry’s”. All I had to do was take a “3 or 4 tram” and get off by “the station’. There only problems I had were that I didn’t know the location of the tram stop, the station or the famous Henry’s.
After 30 minutes I sent out like De Gama. I found the tram stop, I found the station, I found the famous Henry’s. My only problem was that I couldn’t find anyone I knew. Jesus, Platini had even hacked my phone to give me false texts. I began to think the whole idea of Bangor playing in European competition was a “pseudo-event“.
Without many other options I walked the streets of Helsinki to drink in the continental atmosphere. During my promenading I found evidence that the “pseudo-event” had conned the Finnish tabloid, they thought it was a real event and Bangor had actually lost 10-0. I would continue to believe that Bangor had lost heroically on away goals until I saw someone from Bangor wandering about in a daze.
I noticed that the Finnish tabloids went to town over Bangor City. One screamed 10 -0 on the front page of it’s sport pullout. The other seemed to make a big thing about the Bangor players being in a pub after the match. This seemed a bit of a shitty thing to do but that’s tabloids for you. They seem to have a morbid fascination with Bangor City being Pub Fatties in Finland. I continued my walking tour in a daze, were the tabloids actually correct, how could they fake photos? Nobody does that.
I must say that they do like bricks and wood in Finland. My reference point for Helsinki was the film “Billion Dollar Brain” so I tried to find the main landmarks associated, I found the big catherdral upon whose steps Karl Malden and Harry Palmer had to shoot a spy. I found the department store where Harry Palmer bought some snow shoes…..
When I finished this whistle-stop tour I managed to find a pub showing le tour de France, which was a first for me. I could have watched snooker in another part of the pub. Finland was certainly a groovy kind of place.
As I made my way to the hostel in the Olympic stadium I saw there was a match taking place on the pitch next to the Sonera Stadium, HJK’s women’s team seemed to be playing against another club. Then I remembered that the Sonera Stadium was the ground that I should have been watching Bangor play before Platini stuck his oar in. By scheduling this match Platini was taunting me, really rubbing my nose in the dirt.
I scanned the sparse crowd and saw my nemesis there, unrepentant and aloof in his unmistakable suit and curly wig. I could hear his actual taunts delivered in a voice like a velvet mace;
“I don’t know wh-at zee pwoblim is Monsieur, you wanted to watch a match in ‘elsinki on this day, the too-wenteeth of Jooo-ly. Well ‘ere you are monsieur, hee haw hee haw he haw haw haw, ‘ere is a match……. Zat’s what you get for standing up to Platini, mwah mwah mwah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”.
Hitchcock was directing my life, I decided a lie down was prudent.
Apres le repose I found the owners of the ethereal car and the joy was indescribable. Before long we were all off in the direction of Henry’s to meet the rest of the Blue Army. Unfortunately the rest of the Blue Army confirmed that last night’s match was not a “pseudo-event“.
Everyone seemed happy that I’d made it anyway although they’d been a little concerned that I’d gone missing; somehow everyone thought I had arrived last night. Thoughts of conspiracies and revenge were well dulled with litre cans of lager and a lovely local brew known as a “Long Drink”.
The next thing I remember is waking up at 2:30am just as the tram was coming to the end of the line. One of two things had caused this situation; either I was a little drunk or Platini’s agents had spiked my drinks. By the way, have you noticed how all buildings start look the same after an hour’s tired staggering in the haze of dawn?
22nd July
FC Honka 0 SK Hacken 2 europa league 2nd qualifying round 2nd legToday was “Honka protest day”. The flag was ready, the stickers were ready, and I’d had 3 hours and 20 minutes sleep in two days. Those FC Honka fuckers had ruined my summer so I was determined to go and support Hacken.
Just after Alwyn and I bid the blue army a fond farewell we had time to kill. The remaining members of the blue army (Alwyn, Alex and Guto) were due to leave on a late ferry. I still had several hours before I was due to meet Egan, my guide to Espoo and the north of Helsinki.
I’d made contact with Egan via the WSC messageboard and Twitter a couple of weeks ago and he’d suggested that I could go with him to watch Honka, thankfully Egan didn’t seem to like Honka much. Just after we met in the station, he confirmed that I was on the right path, not only are Honka less than a proper club they’re quite arrogant with it.
The ground we were due to visit wasn’t in the Sonera Stadium or Espoo (home of Honka) it was in Vantaa. Our destination was a constant reminder of why Platini must be held to account.
My feelings veered towards apoplexy as Egan suggested that HJK moved Bangor’s match a day forward because they knew we’d have less chance to prepare, they knew most of Bangor’s players were working on Monday. My source also insinuated that Platini was in favour of this.
The train to Vantaa was rather warm. Bangor had played in Vantaa last year and the Blue Army told me of an Irish bar near the station. It was considerably cheaper than all those Central Helsinki bars. We spent a very pleasant hour in the summer sun. After the thrist quenching we tried to find the ground, which wasn’t as easy as google maps suggested, a council estate didn’t look like a cul-de-sac on a computer. We found our way through thanks to a glimpse of floodlights.
Egan’s day job – television journalist – meant I was able to enter the ground as a photographer, or as I prefer to remember it, esteemed journalist. I proudly wore my press pass into the press room. I proudly accepted a free bottle of pepsi as a proud member of the fourth estate. I’d finally arrived. Jet Set 1 Platini 10, I was back in the game! And my fame had spread, a friend of Egan asked me “Are you the Bangor fan that was messed around by the Machiavellian machinations of Platini?”
As I grew accustomed to my new role I casually spoke with a fellow journalist, he disputed my view of last week’s Bangor v HJK match. He didn’t think Bangor were unlucky, he also thought Rhyl was a nice place so I began to doubt the validity of his thoughts. Then said that he liked Les Davies so it turns out he was alright after all, in fact I would go as far as saying that he was my new best friend!!
Putting flags on display is usually fuss-free but today it was different. A steward thought I was besmirching a Finnish national symbol with my subtle protest. He checked with his boss to see if everything was ok. Egan’s explanatory skills earned the thumbs up of the supervisor. I hung the flags from our tier.
We could hear the flag-created stir in the lower tier, I reasoned that it was the usual bewilderment. I tried to bask in the protest but I noticed a couple of white shoelaces where the flag should have been, one of the laces was embellished by a spinning brass eyelet. The spinning brass eyelet underlined my grave loss. Bloody hell you can’t turn your back for five minutes in Finland!
About a minute later another steward appeared. “Can you take the flags down? It is not allowed for another club’s flags to be there. They won’t like it (Pointing down at the Honka Ultras). You will have your flag back in a minute“. Cue another steward with a sheepish grin.
The first steward glared at us for the rest of the match as if we were dangerous criminals. A Scouse bloke was fully supportive of the Jet Set’s position. The pettiness of bureaucracy seems to the most international of all languages, I didn’t need another reason to wish for an FC Honka defeat but I had one. I managed to recover my composure to hear the pre-match rock soundtrack, it was the only time I’ve heard Rage against the Machine before a match.
Thankfully Honka’s defeat arrived without too much fuss. I’ll leave it to the a Swedish newspaper (via google translate) to fill you in;
Hacken went to Finland with a 1-0-lead after last week’s game and is also in qualifying for a European League.John Chibuike opened the scoring in the first half (42) and Daniel Forsell permanently closed the match with only ten minutes left to play, 2-0.
– We make a good game, tactically speaking, and when we do 1-0, it will be a long journey for them, while we are growing, says Hacken coach Peter Gerhardsson who think like this about advancement to the Euro League qualification round 3:
This was a charming result as the Honka fans were less than charming, Firstly they ripped my flag because they couldn’t let last year’s defeat against Bangor go. Secondly they were too loud and sang boring songs, apart from the ones they’d pinched from Bangor City.
The worst aspect of the Honka fans is that Egan and I distinctly heard a couple of them make monkey noises when one of Hacken’s black players “dived”. This was not only a disgusting throwback to the twentieth century it was rather odd as they didn’t seem to mind their own players diving.
Hacken’s victory meant a smug promenade out of the ground for Egan and I. It was nice to have met Egan, another part of the network of good football fans in Europe.
On the way back from Finland I had another lay-over, this time in Amsterdam. Upon landing I needed to feel the fresh Amsterdammer air. When I tried to leave through the passport control gate. The policeman took one look at my polo shirt, saw the words “WELSH PREMIER LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2011” under the badge and asked “What is this?” A customs official with a streak of humanity, well I never!! I replied with “Well it’s a bit like the Eredivisie but not as good!!”. The look of admiration upon his face was eloquent enough; Bangor City had yet another fan.
Kowalski
Eric Blair
Harry Lime
Kevin Price
Llandudno Jet Set 
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