“That was the day that was” – continued or “How UEFA broke one man’s heart”

8 07 2011

June 20th

8:25 pm – During the Llandudno Jet Set’s latest match in Llandudno’s gladiatorial six-a-side league I make a decision;  “I must be in Finland!”. This moment is ruined by the match ball flying past my head and into the goal. (The other team are now winning 3-2.)

9:00 pm – Check Phone – No confirmation of dates from our man in the know.

9:05 pm – Check Expedia.co.uk for flights, Birmingham and Manchester are best bets – No confirmation so far.

9:10 pm – Check e-mail for confirmation – No confirmation so far

9:11 pm  – Find flights from Birmingham for 202 pounds. Check e-mail for confirmation – No confirmation so far

9:15 pm – Find flights from Manchester for 169 pounds. Check message boards for confirmation – No confirmation so far

9:20 pm – Find flights from Manchester for 162 pounds. Check UEFA website for confirmation – No confirmation so far.

9:25 pm – Find flights from London for 132 pounds. Check e-mail for confirmation – No confirmation so far

9:30 pm – I finally receive text from our man in the know – “The dates are 99% certain but don’t book anything until tomorrow!”

<June 21st

I ask around during Bangor City’s practice match with Anglesey’s Island Games team. I hear that the match dates are 99.9% certain. ” The Team have booked, so we are going to later tonight blah, blah, blah.”.  That curly tosser of a UEFA president has still to confirm the actual dates……

At this point I am reassured that they treat “The Bangor Cities” of this world in the same way as they treat “The Anderlechts” of this world. Every August bank holiday I notice that the fixtures for the group stage in the “Proper Champions League for Proper Clubs” are subject to the little star ” * “

Last year I checked what the little star denoted. I found out that the little star denotes that the fixtures are subject to confirmation by a cabal of heartless administrators within a period of 110 hours. Of course I may have been hallucinating. But then what am I complaining about, uncertainty is the biggest thrill of all in this humdrum existence.

10:35 pm – I see a flight from Birmingham to Helsinki for 202 pounds for my required dates – Leaving Tuesday night (and arriving on Wednesday in plenty of time for the match), returning Friday.

10:36 pm – I check with our man in the know. He says the dates are “Deffo”

10:37 pm – Thanks to this nod and a wink from our man in the know I book those flights.

10: 38 pm – I’m on my way to Helsinki!!!

June 22nd

I book two nights accommodation in Helsinki’s Olympic stadium. I can’t wait to bask in all those memories; Emil Zatopek’s greatest hour, the start of Welsh football’s last great false dawn, a big owl resting on a goal, Karolina Kluft win………….mmmmmmmmmmm Karolina. I plan to enrol in an intensive Finnish course.

With the help of the internet I go on a mental trip around Helsinki………It’s bus 55 from the airport……..I need to get a Helsinki card ……… oooooh I must go to the exhibition about the Winter War ………. The public transport system is excellent ………. How much is a day ticket?…..

I feel good (and knew that I would!!) The sunshine is bright and my summer will be great!!!

11:00 pm Unfortunately Monsieur Bignose (he haw he haw he haw) still hasn’t fucking confirmed the fucking date of the fucking matches. In order to keep my spirits up I design this flag for my travels; “AN HOMAGE TO THE HJK INTELLECTUALS.”

23rd June

3:30 pm – The following message appears on facebook;

“Please note the following statement issued from UEFA: In case of qualification of BK Häcken (SWE) and FC Honka Espoo (FIN) to the Europa League second qualifying round, the match HJK Helsinki (FIN) vs Bangor City FC (WAL) must be played on Tuesday 19th July.”

3:31 pm – The contents of the message finally hits me and something falls over in my head.

Giddy euphoria is replaced by sickness in the pit of my stomach. The fact that I paid for non-refundable flights suddenly hits me. The fact that my plane arrives in Helsinki on FUCKING WEDNESDAY FUCKING MORNING is suddenly written in 100 feet high letters in my imagination.

FUCKING UEFA, A FUCKING CHIMP WITH ACCESS TO FUCKING WIKIPEDIA COULD HAVE WORKED OUT IN FIVE FUCKING MINUTES THAT HONKA COULD BE PLAYING AT HOME THE FUCKING DAY AFTER BANGOR WERE DUE TO FUCKING PLAY.

DESPITE FUCKING ORGANISING THE DRAW, DESPITE CARRYING OUT THE FUCKING DRAW AND THEN DESPITE PUTTING THE FUCKING OUTCOME OF THE FUCKING DRAW ON THEIR BASTARD WEBSITE UEFA TOOK SEVENTY FUCKING TWO FUCKING HOURS TO DEIGN TO FUCKING ANNOUNCE THERE “MIGHT” BE A CHANGE IN THE FUCKING ARRANGEMENTS.

And to think I ignored the neurotic internal voice metalically repeating “Are you sure? Are you sure?” as I read out my card details to the helpful man working for Expedia.

Incidentally, there’s no confirmation of any of this on UEFA’s website and the phone of our man in the know has suddenly gone silent.

June 24th

I awake with a black hole in my soul.

I curse the soul of Monsieur Platini.

I curse the soul of Lennart Johnansson.

I curse the soul of Artemio Franchi.

I curse the soul of David Cameron.

I curse the soul of Jamie Redknapp.

I curse the soul of Harry Redknapp.

I curse the soul of Louise Redknapp, and Tim Lovejoy.

I curse the soul of Gregg Wallace

I curse the soul of Jon Gaunt – “Gaunty” to his friends

I curse the soul of Fearne Cotton

June 25th

Again I awake with a black hole in my soul.

I curse the soul of Monsieur Platini.

I curse the soul of Lennart Johnansson.

I curse the soul of Artemio Franchi.

I curse the soul of David Cameron.

I curse the soul of Jamie Redknapp.

I curse the soul of Harry Redknapp.

I curse the soul of Louise Redknapp, and Tim Lovejoy.

I curse the soul of Gregg Wallace

I curse the soul of Jon Gaunt – “Gaunty” to his friends

I curse the soul of Fearne Cotton.

I curse the soul of Richard Littlejohn

The clouds don’t lift

June 26th

I have a thought;

“Bugger it, I’m going to Helsinki whether Platini likes it or not!”

June 27th

My head is at peace as I realise that Honka and Hacken will prevail.

June 30th

Honka drew 0-0 at home with Estonian team and Hacken draw 1-1 away in Luxembourg. Man I love Freeview teletext!!

July 1st

My hopes are  rekindled. I have the chance to dream again. The sunshine has returned to my life. Is that birdsong I hear?

July 7th

Honka win 2-0 and Hacken win 5-1  in their respective second legs.

FUCKING HONKA ESPOO AND THEIR DECISION, THE BASTARDS ONLY HAVE A 3,500 AVERAGE YET THEY NEED A GROUND WITH A 10,000 CAPACITY. THE SELFISH BASTARDS, THEY’RE NOT EVEN FROM FUCKING HELSINKI.

July 8th

I decide to continue with my trip, I will stage a dirty protest during bastard Honka’s bastard Europa League match. This may involve a flag with swear words on it.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

2 responses

17 06 2012
My curly nemesis just won’t leave me alone……. « Llandudno Jet Set

[…] when I thought I was safe, that I was clear, he reminds me of his bitterness and his power. Even though we’re separated by thousands of miles his greasy tentacles are still ruining my […]

31 03 2012
Scottish Sojourns « Llandudno Jet Set

[…] vendetta against me  (EVIDENCE PART 1 , EVIDENCE PART 2 , EVIDENCE PART 3  ) has gone up a notch. This year he has scheduled all […]

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: