So why exactly are you against That Modern Football? Part 16

62. When the marketers ruin innocence

I’d love to be the impressionable and cynicism-free football mad youngster I once was. I’m probably not unique in wanting to swap David Cameron’s nasty Britain of 2013 for the golden time when holding a football trophy aloft like a football hero was the logical end of a career path.

My lingering memories of footballing heroism turn the moments when a cup and I pass – whether it’s been the Welsh Premier League trophy, the Welsh Cup, the Heineken Cup or the 6 Nations trophy – into opportunities for grabbing an object and thrusting it upwards in celebration. Sometimes the trophy isn’t even being held by someone else.

Nowadays if you’re an impressionable kid you have the chance to act in the manner of your heroes, you can open your front door and find a local footballing celebrity with a famous trophy standing on your doorstep.  If you don’t believe me look at what happened to this kid the other day!!

When I saw this picture on twitter I imagined how overjoyed the 7 year me would have been. That kid must have been “over the moon” with a memory that he’ll cherish for the rest of his life.

I was soon lost in the charming reverie of an unannounced tour of Britain. I saw players carrying trophies up garden paths. I pictured footballing heroes chatting in front rooms whilst calmly accepting cups of tea and slices of cake. This unannounced tour would reconnect football and the British people once again!!! Then I re-read the tweet;

@BarclaysFooty “Look Mum, the Barclays Premier League trophy is in the living room!” A fine reward for @pj11nufc #YouAreFootball”

Romance left my head as soon as I realised that the only reason I was reading about this charming event was because Barclays wanted to announce that they had made it possible. There is no depth too deep for these corporate monsters in the 21^st century, not even the hopes and aspirations of kids are safe.

The erstwhile reverie suddenly became seedy and vaguely threatening; a Barclays corporate suit now hovers around the awestruck kid and a mute security guard in shades stands watch by the living room door.

Ten seconds after the photo was taken the corporate suit will realise that the kid had used up his allotted window of 5 minutes and will start making the “time to wrap it up” finger gesture at Shearer. The awed kid will still be gazing longingly the trophy as the intern in a “Barclays Trophy Tour” polo shirt picks it up to return it to its padlocked transportation box.

The least said about Barclays football twitter address –  @BarclaysFooty – the better. Would it have hurt them to use @BarclaysFootball?

63. Continuing adventures in the Media Pressure cooker

You can see the problem in the contrast between this Guardian article’s headline, subheading and first paragraph;

“David Moyes has four games to save Manchester United’s season

There’s no need to panic at United if their new manager can steer his team to wins over the busy Christmas period.”

After Shakhtar Donetsk’s surprisingly meek capitulation in Europe all David Moyes needs for Christmas is a little comfort and joy in the league, and if he checks the fixture list he ought to be able to find it. Manchester United have four winnable games between now and the end of the year, and if they can pick up nine points or more from the available 12 they could be back in the top six by the halfway stage of the season, possibly going into 2014 with renewed hope and looking to draw a line under 2013 as a year of transition.

64. “It’s now 1-1 at the Emirates…”

If you’d like to hear the triumph of The Man in the shortest amount of words possible simply listen to a sports journalist / presenter / commentator relating score updates. 

“……….We’ve got exciting news coming in from the Etihad……………….

…………And now over to Alan Green at the Aviva where something unbelievable is happening!!………

…………I’m just hearing that Arsenal have scored, let’s quickly go back to the Emirates…………”

Would it kill them to use “Mancheter City”, “Lansdowne Road” and “Arsenal”?