A month is a long time in football…..

28 01 2012

……but it isn’t for those with a void for a soul.

Farrar Road – One month ago

Farrar Road – Today

I haven’t got the correct words to describe this. Let’s just say it’s symptomatic of contemporary British society.

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The 2010 Jet Set Awards

4 01 2011

The winners include;

Highlight of the Year

1. 2010 Welsh Cup Final – We were winning 2-0 easily in the first half. Then we were drawing 2-2 by the last 5 minutes. Then we grimly hung on with white fingertips. Then we prayed for extra time. Then Sion crossed the ball and Dave Morley rose to meet it with his head. The ball went in and the Jet Set cleared 2 rows of seats in celebration. We even managed to help organise the coach travel for the blue army!

2. Bangor City 2 Honka Espoo 1 –  Before the match there was a certain feeling doing the rounds, that little thing called hope! Bangor City finally stood a good chance of progressing in European competition, defeat simply wasn’t on the agenda! Then the game started and Honka scored. Suddenly it wasn’t so easy and to make things worse Honka looked dangerous as they applied pressure to our defence. By the second half things were getting desperate but then we scored. Hope was back  but quickly replaced by tension; although the fates seemed with us a goal wasn’t coming. Then there was a cross followed by confusion. In the melee we managed to see Chris Jones hit the ball for our winner. Bangor were through and the Jet Set stood there shaking and elated, unable to comprehend what we’d just seen.

Lowlight of the Year

Sharing a pitch with Llandudno’s 6-a-side league players

Over the years we’ve grown tired of the players, the fans, the hype and even some football but we thought that was as far as our ennui with the game could go. Unfortunately our ennui has increased, now we’ve grown tired playing football. Thank you Llandudno’s players!

When they’re not trying to maim you, they’re too loud or they trying to use you as a canvas for their football art. The worst ones are the players that combine these characteristics with a lack of skill.

The following example represents the main reason why we’ve become disenchanted with playing; The Jet Set’s Right Wing Back moved towards the attacking gobshite in possession of the ball. The gobshite decided to show his skill by knocking it past our cultured player and proclaiming “SKINNED!!” to the world. Unfortunately for the gobshite he not only knocked it past our cultured wing back, he knocked it out of play. One suspects that our cultured wing back wasn’t the first intended victim for this skilful move.

The behaviour of gobshites like this is probably another example of how Soccer AM has ruined football

Player of the Year

1. Michael Johnston – The connoisseur’s choice. Never hurried, always in the right place, composed, passes, dribbles, blocks, tackles, clears off the line, complete player. Says hello to the Jet Set on a frequent basis.

2. Luis Suarez – Scorer of many goals at the world cup, all fabulous. Scorer many goals for Ajax too. But the main reason he gets our award is his last-minute handball in the quarter final against Ghana.

Imagine the following situation; You are standing on the line and the ball is heading for the top, your team’s chance of glory is slipping away! You instinctively palm the ball away. As you’re a striker you knew all along you’d be are sent off but you did it anyway. You also knew that a penalty would be awarded but at least there’s a chance they’ll miss the pen. As you walk off the pitch you are glad you “took one for the team” but then the fact you will miss the game hits you, you are very sad. They miss the penalty, you are so relieved that your team has a chance in the penalty shoot-out, you lose your head and celebrate like you’ve scored a winner yourself. Would you have done anything different?

The main reason Luis gets a share in our award is the incredulous reactions the incident produced, we’re looking at you Andy Townsend and your feelings of “bruised justice”. Those who should know better on the When Saturday Comes Message Board should think about what they’ve done too, especially as some on the WSC message still won’t let it lie. These people would also have recalled post-colonial history in the split second before the ball crossed the line to let the ball go in, they would not have ruined Africa.





Kev Price writes…..

5 03 2010

Our intrepid correspondent has made it back from the pub…..

Hello again!! I know it’s been a long time but you know how it is. You mean to write something but then you’re distracted, then you forget, then you can’t be bothered. I won’t bore you with the facts but let’s just say it was partly to do with those bitter Scousers in Llandudno’s pubs and leave at that.

Last Sunday was great, yet another final, yet another trip to Wembley. It feels great when you see your team at Wembley. Even though it’s the new Wembley I’m beginning to notice all the little details when I’m watching on TV, just like you did with the old one. It may only have been the Carling Cup Final but at least it keeps the silverware rolling in. What a comeback we saw, what a hero Michael Owen is (Just like I said he would be) Fergie what a genius!! Over thirty trophies won now ( you know, about thirty more than that fat Spanish waiter). Oh yeah, I’ll bet the Scousers were pig sick.

The semi-final was even better, we let the Cit-eh fans think they were going through and then, BAM!! They were out!!! To be in a pub to see the looks on their bitter faces makes you remember why you’re a football fan. Still waiting for that trophy eh lads!!! Better Luck Next time!!

And now I have to drop a bombshell…..I actually went to a game at Old Trafford!!!! That mate of mine finally came through with a ticket. When I got to the Theatre of Dreams I noticed a lot of yellow and green scarves were being worn. At first I thought this was a bit weird as we weren’t playing Norwich. Then I thought, oh it’s a tribute to our first Premier League title as we had a lovely green and yellow kit. When I asked someone what it was about, they said it was a protest against the American owners. I don’t see a problem with the owners – it’s not like they’ll do something stupid, you know like demolishing the ground or anything. Anyway we’ll be there after the owners, there will always be a United!!! Beside I don’t really care who owns my club as long as we win things and finish above the scousers,  in fact,  just finishing above the scousers will do.

Just when you think that it can’t get any better the scousers are blowing it good and proper. Last week they were on Channel 5 whilst we’re still in the Champions League and they still haven’t been to the new Wembley, life’s good! You can tell that life’s not good for those bitter people living in the past. They’re so bitter they didn’t even go to the pub like I do when Liverpool are playing, they think they’re too good for the UEFA Cup, they’re just glory hunters living in the past. You’ll see them if they get to the final though, the bitter twats

Now we can look forward to the rest of the season. If we get to 19 League Titles in May I’ll be dancing ‘til dawn. Just to repeat that idea, if we win the title it will be Title number 19 and that Rafa, is a fact!

Take Care,

Kev

(Ed: The Llandudno Jet Set still does not endorse the views written by this author)





The Jet Set Review of 2009

31 12 2009

Not bad





Well done, you’ve ruined my decade.

30 12 2009

So that was the noughties, went a bit quickly don’t you think? The first decade of the new millenium threw up some wonderful delights and some other crap, here are a few of my least favourite things;

1. Margaret Thatcher

Firstly she hated the poor, secondly she hated football, thirdly she was mates with Pinochet, lastly she was Margaret Thatcher. I know she was stabbed in the back out of Politics in 1990 but the effect of her tenancy in number 10 is still being felt twenty years later.

More exactly the effects of her and her economics advisor, Sir Alan Walters, are still felt today. They were so impressed with a Chilean dictator’s handling of the economy that they thought that those 1930s ideas, plus other socially Darwinist policies, were due a comeback in Britain. Nowadays we are basking in the afterglow of the re-introduction of Laissez-faire, or to give it its new name; “The Market”. 

We certainly have reaped the harvest of her intensive social farming; Labour swallowed this abhorrent crap to form a new consensus, striking people with genuine grievances are considered illegal troublemakers, people have had to re-apply for the same jobs at vastly reduced wage levels, bankers are free to take our money and keep their profits etc etc etc. Then the coup-de-grace, just when  you think that our government should do something it’s considered to be immoral for them to step in.

The market’s well-known effect on football has many examples; Over £1bn spent on securing TV rights, ticket prices reaching weekely wage levels, players earning a lifetime’s wage in 6 months, John Terry. Take the apogee of the market; Peter Kenyon. (In case you’ve forgotten Kenyon, he was  the lifelong Manchester United fan who became Chelsea’s chief executive.) Kenyon speaks with all of the calm reassurance of a marketing executive. He solemnly stated his intention to turn the world blue because Chelsea had reached critical mass in Britain or some such bollocks. The worst thing about the emergence of these  sorts of people is that you think that they can’t say or do anything worse then along comes another one of them to drop another molten bronze droplet of wisdom.

It all comes back to Thatcher, her policies led to people getting mega-rich, football clubs attracted these people because they needed the money, these people brought their corporate bullshit with them. After their introduction to the world of football phrases like “brand loyalty”, “revenue stream” and “Customer” were bandied about quite freely.

See also; Malcolm Glazer, Peter Parry and the Rhyl Globetrotters

2. Ronald Reagan

Yes he also shuffled of the political scene 20 years ago but like Thatcher his actions have left a legacy. If Reagan had not decided to reinvigorate the Cold War with a new arms race the Soviet Union would not have overspent on weapons so much that it  bankrupted itself. Consequently the USSR collapsed.

While the collapse of such a depressing, exploitative and repressive regime is cause for joy what came after it was not good either. When Stalinism collapsed Eastern Europe, especially Russia, was an area unprepared for “Freedom and Democracy”. Yet this area was thrown into the deep end of the Market Economy with the able assistance of  the advanced western democracies.

Those that were attuned to this new world went about their business with aplomb. For example they acquired majority shareholdings in all of the newly privatised ex-state industries. The fact that this was done rather too easily, and the fact that after few years these people seemed to control vast parts of Russian society, have been overlooked by people in the west. Of course none of these upright individuals have stains upon their character because of their activities in the last decade.

 Unfortunately not everybody was attuned to such ideas. These people still clung to outdated ideas like fraternal relations and solidarity. In the last decade and a half they have been left behind in this democracy  with authoritarian qualities.

Luckily for us these divine individuals, known by their pop group name; “THE OLIGARCHS!!”, have been able to smile like simpletons in Premier League executive boxes, usually in the owners’ seat.   By comparison, the ordinary multi-millionaires (Glazer, Gillett, Hicks et al) that see British football clubs as appendages look like Nobel Peace Prize laureates, and that’s even if they may bankrupt “their” new toy.

The main negative effect that these people have had has been to unleash a  maelstrom. The free spending of Abramovich  instituted a new arms race in the Premier League as clubs try to keep up. This has further taken football out of the orbit of the traditional fan as these owners are caring sharing people, we have to pay for the benefit of their ego massage as well as them. And you all know the effect that wage inflation has had on football.

It’s enough to make you wonder what’s worse; (i) The methods that these rich people used obtain the vast wealth needed to buy a football club? or (ii) Some fans view these people as saviours. Of course the market is blind to moral considerations.

See also; Thaksin Sinawatra, Colonel Qaddafi, David Dein

3. Scallies

Where do you start? Let’s try Monday 14/12/09. We were losing  but  playing well. The other team was worried. One of our team did the unreasonable act of taking a knucklehead on. The knucklehead responded by throwing him off the pitch, our team member landed awkwardly, our team member had broken his wrist. About 10 minutes later another of our unreasonable players tries to tackle the knucklehead, his reward was a stamp on the chest. Whilst we were leaving the sports hall we saw the knucklehead smiling sweetly at the staff. It was as if he was saying; “Look at me, I’ve just cleaned the changing rooms” It’s difficult to summon up the correct  contemptuous expressions when you’re faced with this situation, especially when it may result in a bank holiday glassing.

Then you’re trying to watch the “footy”, in the pub just  like a man should, and you can’t hear Andy Gray for the cries of “SNAP HIM!!!” and “…..So I stamped on his head, well he had spilt his blood on my new shoes!!”

See also; Martyn Naylor, Lee Bowyer, Mark Dennis, Dennis Wise.

4. The Bandwagonner

When I was in University I found myself plagued by these bellends. I used to live with one in fact, let’s call him P. Despite never having lived in Manchester (He had lived in Preston, Cardiff and Bristol) P was a red hot United fan. He was such a red hot fan that he thought it unseemly to wear a replica shirt outside of the fans’ natural habitat, the pub. When not observing an aura of disdain over replica shirt wearers he would mutter disdainfully about the locals just because they supported Wolves.

When quizzed about his apparently newly chosen supporting identity he merely pointed to a mutual friend, “Look at Andy!!” he cried. (Andy was best described as a fan with an itinerant fancy; he was from Bournemouth and supported them but he also had Chelsea shorts (owning merchandise is a sign of allegiance to a club in my book) and claimed to be a Man City fan. By the next year Andy had developed a passion for Coventry City.) I didn’t see the connection and it didn’t explain anything;  Andy knew stuff about football for example, unlike P. This answer didn’t tell me why P only seemed to become a United fan when there was an important game, and then it was only half-arsed,  either. I consoled myself with the idea that he wasn’t really hurting anyone.

After leaving Uni I have had the misfortune to bump into loads of examples of this behaviour, except they didn’t have P’s charm. First of all there’s the flag waving England fans. Then you’ve got the people that  appear at the pub, because that’s where true fans go. From a distance they look like fans, sound like fans, they look perfect in every way. Get a little closer and you find that they’re cleverly manufactured ersatz fans from Japan; they know fuck all. They have  just been to the same clothes shops. Fashion, turn to the right………

When you add in the Scallies to this social situation you may forget that normal people exist. On top of the history of violence you’ll also hear the bandwagonners re-gurgitating what the tabloids have told them to think about football, this  will include intelligent people who should know better as well.

See also; Fast Show Football fan, morons following England, students watching football, xenophobic students watching football, moronic students watching England, people who take football too seriously

5. Players

The centre of our little obsession. You try and try to do the opposite but you can’t quite manage it. They lay down obstacle after obstacle for your affections. 

From;  “Michael Owen will do the best to show that Michael Owen still has it” or “Robbie Savage knows that Robbie Savage will get you results” or “Alan Shearer has decided that Alan Shearer will have 3 Weetabix for Breakfast”; to the contemptuous look at the linesman; to the badge-kissing, to the hounding of the officials; to the practiced goal celebrations, to the buying of a gated community when a house should do; to the interviews “Like I said…..”; to stopping their cars because they are so angered by the offer of only £50,000 a week; to the “This time we’ll win the World Cup…”; to the “autobiographies” they obviously don’t want you to like them.

See also; Anything in the media

6. The Media

There was a time when footballers were “nice” and if they weren’t we didn’t know, it was the 1950s-1970s and we didn’t know any better. There was a time when footballers were “nice” and if they weren’t we didn’t know, we were kids and we didn’t know any better.  There is a time when we think that footballers are arseholes and we like to think we know better than them. That time is now. So what’s changed?

Three words; Sky Sports News. Those three short words  symbolise the profound effect of the  media on football, they have helped to elevate the minutiae of football into some kind of earth-shattering importance. Whisper it quietly but football used to be an enjoyable experience, people used to do it because it too their mind off things, gave them a bit of peace from their families and of course it could be exciting.

To look at the customers in a pub during the transmission of a match you’d thing that it was a masochist’s convention, if things don’t go to plan you see a mass of contorted expressions. What the hell are they watching football for?

They may be the unwilling victims of a skilled media that has manipulated the presentation of sport. A media that is trying to transform every match into a must win game. They will insinuate that if your team doesn’t win, everything is ruined and  you won’t be able to show your face in polite society again, your team, and by extension you, are nothing. Then when you team wins the next game you are reborn, your life is back on, your team, and by extension you, are heroes again. This may be an exaggeration based on my experiences in Llandudno but then general point cannot be denied. Football has been elevated into something so important that it’s putting a lot of people off, including me unsurprisingly.

See also; The media on any day, or any hour, or any minute for that matter.

So apart from the clubs, the owners, the players, the fans and the media there is nothing wrong with football. A big big THANK YOU to all of you for ruining my decade.





Kev Price Continues…..

30 10 2009

More tales from the Premier League with our guest correspondent Kevin Price……

Hello again!! It’s Kevin here!! Well I was asked to write something last week and what a week to pick! That’s football for you, one day you’ve gone down to Club 147 to laugh at the Scousers getting beaten in Europe and a few days later and you’ve got them gloating over their jammy win.

You got to love those bitter fans of History FC, they haven’t won the League for nearly 2 decades (that’s right all you Scousers reading this, 20 years, 2 zero, that’s a fact Rafa!) yet you’d think they’d won the League last Sunday. Jesus they’re so bitter, they’re almost as bad as Citeh fans!!

And another thing, when you hear History FC fans being interviewed on Sky none of them actually come from the self pity City. An Everton fan I know, another Kev as it happens!!, says they all come from Norway anyway. It makes us laugh every time we meet up in Llandudno to watch the football; “How many of their fans are actually Scousers?” we ask ourselves, what a joke those Scousers are in Llandudno!! They  have a go at United for having no fans in United when they don’t come from the self pity City themselves. As for Citeh, I’m not worried, same old same old, bitter twats!!

Kowalski leant me Looking for Eric the other day but apart from Eric the King’s part I didn’t like it, there wasn’t enough United in it. I couldn’t go with him to watch FC United last Saturday because I was playing golf. He said it was good but last time I stood I only paid £6 and it gave me a bad back. I prefer sitting myself. Speaking of which a mate of mine has promised to get me a ticket before Christmas but he’s let me down in the past so I won’t hold out much hope. Besides it won’t matter if I don’t, I’ll watch it in 147. You get a good atmosphere in 147, there’s loads of regulars, it’s just like the match. Plus you can wind up all the Scousers who go there as well.

Well in terms of the League we may be second at the moment but that won’t be a problem, Europe, we’ll be through again no problems, we’re even through again in the League Cup. Compare that to History FC and it makes it even better, almost out of Europe and behind us again in the League. That’s a Fact you bitter Scousers.

See You soon,

Kev

 

(Ed: The Llandudno Jet Set does not endorse the views written by this author)





A New Face!

10 08 2009

We have decided, after months of torment and anguish, to cover the “Blessed Premiership” in all its glory. We have chosen a special correspondent to bring you up-to-date and incisive opinion. This marks a major step forward in north Walian football related reportage and we are lucky to have him. Ladies and Gentlemen I bring you …….Kevin Price!!

 

Hello everybody!!! Welcome to my new column!!!

My name is Kevin Price but you may call me Kev. As a long-time associate of the Llandudno Jet Set it gives me great pleasure to finally take my place in their golden group. It has only taken years of gentle persuasion to gain acceptance but here I am, finally!

I am Kev and I am a fan of Manchester United. Well fan doesn’t really cover it, as I say in my facebook profile United is a religion, so you could say that I’m more of a devotee of Sir Alex. Even though I’m from Llandudno I’ve been going since I was 10 so it is in my blood. The amount of games I’ve been to is amazing, I’ve seen them all; Brian McClair, Mark Hughes, Clayton Blackmore, Ole Gunnar, Deiniol Graham. Some might say that people like me are just glory hunters but I’m not. Why should I support a local team? I already support one and as they say, you can change anything apart from your football team. You could even say that people like me are more of a fan than people who live closer to the Thestre of Dreams as we have to make more of an effort to go.

So here we are, another season, how are we going to do? Well anything less than League and European Cup and I’ll be disappointed, the FA Cup doesn’t matter, as for the League Cup it was nice when we were kids but its pointless now. I don’t care if we have lost Ronaldo because we’ve signed a class goal scorer in Michael Owen. You should hear my bitter Scouser mates; they’re all secretly gutted he’s finally joined a proper club. As for those Scousers, they’ll probably bottle it again if they get close. It’ll be just like they say on Sky Sports and in the Sun. Then we’ll break their record, I can’t wait. Who do I see as challengers? The usual mob could be or maybe even the bitter Sky Blues of Citeh.

Every Season is another chance to remind the Scousers who’s boss. I hate Scousers. They’re always living in the past and none of their fans are from Liverpool. (Have you ever seen an interview on Sky Sports News, they’re all Irish!) Every time I see them in Club 147 it’s always great to wind them up, sometimes I turn up just to cheer on the team Liverpool are playing. The bitter Scousers can’t take it but I love winding them up, it’s almost as much fun as watching United.

Of course pre-season wouldn’t be pre-season without a new kit. As usual I was first in Llandudno to get one. It’s great to be the first person in the shirt, walking down the street with everyone looking, you feel ten feet tall. You feel somebody for a couple of hours, only United can make you feel like that!

Anyway, good luck for the Season!

Kev

(Due to contract negotiations we are unsure as to the regularity of this column)








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