“It’s a conspiracy I tells ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

4 10 2016

The red faced lamentation ejaculated by angry managers in the post-defeat nuclear winter is one of the top four football clichés of the 21st century.

Virtually every post match interview respires in an edible atmosphere of angry dissatisfaction;”It changed the game beyond all recognition so it did blah blah di blah.” You can’t fight the tide but our latter day Canutes have made personally aggrieved dissatisfaction football’s default personality setting. FACT! End of. FACT! LOL. FACT!

Why are people so offended by the vicissitudes of what obviously never should have happened? We must fight the urge to indulge this Kevin and Perry load of crap “Woe is me, life is soooooooooooooooo unfair. God. I’m going to my manager’s room!”. We should remind people that it’s better to go with the flow or they’ll never sleep properly again.

Let us consider the view that manager ejaculate anger because they think that their angry ejaculations cut through humdrum thoughts with the scalpel of truth. Now let us dismiss this idea and employ the trustworthy comedic viewpoint of the “sideways glance”. When allied with forensic eyes and the glasses of scientific rigour the “sideways glance” allows us to see that these angry managers are the mere hostages of predestination.

Let us say there was a match where what happened happened. Let’s say this match was a match between Melchester Rovers and Neasden that was finely poised at 1-0 to Neasden.

Now let us say that one of those trademarked “debatable penalties” was awarded to Melchester in the 53rd minute, because that’s what happened. Naturally Roy Race scored with a short range rocket. The crowd went wild, as did Neasden’s ashen-faced manager. Result 1-1.

Needless to say there was a canyon of apoplectic difference between the wild feelings. After the match Neasden’s ashen-faced manager Ron Knee continued to be strangely apoplectic and rolled out the immortal words; “The game changed because of the penalty!!! The penalty what was given was never a penalty in a billion millenia!!!”

Now let us test Ron’s hypothesis by looking at it through forensic eyes and glasses of scientific rigour. Let’s imagine that the penalty what had been given was never given.

The match was still poised suggestively at one goal to nil in favour of Neasden. In this state of affairs, with all things being equal, you would assume that it’s fair to say that because something had gone their way Neasden would heave a psychological sigh of relief and relax to a certain degree.

Let us say that in the 59th minute they relaxed so much they forgot their defensive roles for a split second. Let us say that their two banks of four failed because they failed to anticipate the fall in the market value of their footballing liabilities.

To cut a tedious story short Neasden allowed an unimpeded Blackie Grey to run through their relaxed postures and Maurice Mickelwhite, their redoubtable captain, reacted slightly too slowly to the passing Grey and “kicked him up in the air” whilst he danced through the box………….Another penalty was awarded.

Melchester, rather obviously, scored.

This is stone cold scientific proof that the match would still have ended 1-1 anyway.

Possibility 2. Result 1-1.

Scientific rigour demands that we cannot let the matter rest. We must consider all possibilities.

Therefore let us consider the possibility that the second penalty wasn’t awarded either.

The match was still poised suggestively at one goal to nil in favour of Neasden. In this state of affairs, with all things being equal, it’s fair to say that because something else had gone their way Neasden would heave a psychological sigh of relief and relaxed to a certain degree.

However it is not that simple, the gods in control of the venture science of football analytics would say that all in all there would be 98.8% probability that there would be a large possibility that Neasden will now feel jittery due to surviving another possible penalty event. For once those with clay feet were proved correct.

Neaden’s defence didn’t feel very comfortable. Consequently mistakes arose. Consequently in the 63rd minute they let Roy Race score a curled equaliser from a sloppily conceded free kick. In other words, the match would still have ended 1-1!

Possibility 3. Result 1-1.

We still cannot rest. We must consider the situation where the free kick didn’t happen because the referee didn’t penalise the possible free kick event.

Cut to the 67th minute. Firstly, Blackie Grey earns a booking for questioning the referee’s judgement via the medium of modern dance. Secondly, the jittery Neasden defence felt an ever-increasing sense of pressure. Neasden’s attackers may have had a couple of shots but their defenders couldn’t relax. Naturally the jittery defence allowed Johnny “The Hard Man” Dexter to equalise with a miskick. In other words, the match would still have ended 1-1!

Possibility 4. Result 1-1.

Yeah, but what if Johnny “The Hard Man” Dexter’s shot had hit the post?

The already jittery defence felt their jitteriness go up to eleven. They knew that they couldn’t hold out against the fate indefinitely. They knew they would they would suffer the inevitable consequences. Even though they were able to clear a few opposition chances, even though one of these clearances turned in to a through ball for their attackers, they knew they couldn’t hold out. they knew they couldn’t relax.

Eventually a tired and clumsy attempt at a “clearance” found it’s way to the dancing feet of Roy Race in the 74th minute. Naturally, Racey curled the ball in to the corner of the net. In other words, the match would still have ended 1-1!

Possibility 5. Result 1-1.

Let us imagine that Racey uncharacteristically missed with his shot.

The weight of Melchester’s reputation applied pressure upon the beleaguered Neasden. During the 79th minute Reg Twaddle, Neasden’s enigmatically suave yet gauche playmaker, executed the first half of a Cruyff turn expertly but moulded studs and gravity prevented the full version. Consequently the ball appeared at the feet of Melchester’s latest signing, Joey Barton. Let’s say Joey boy chipped the keeper from the halfway line. In other words, the match would still have ended 1-1!

Possibility 6. Result 1-1.

Let us imagine that Twaddle executed the Cruyff turn perfectly and Joey Barton was sent off for kicking some fresh air in an ungentlemanly manner in the 82nd minute.

The resulting poorly executed free kick allowed Roy Race to anticipate the forlorn sideways pass, win the ball and dribble through the entire team. He took the ball right up to the middle of the goal, stop it on the goaline , get down on his knees and knock the ball over the line with his head. In other words, the match would still have ended 1-1! Yes that’s a 1-1 draw against a team with 10 players.

Possibility 7. Result 1-1.

Let us imagine that the referee then sent off Roy Race for ungentlemanly banter in the 87th minute.

By that time of the match Neasden team were so tired each member felt as though they owned legs of concrete and heads of sponge. Consequently they were physically unable to take advantage of their numerical superiority.

Just before the 93rd minute Blackie Gray used his experience to cause a corner. Needless to say Neasden’s Stan Butler rose like a salmon and headed the ball like a Hammerhead Shark with concussion. His goalkeeper was rooted to the spot as the ball flew in the wrong direction. An own goal with virtually the last touch of the match, what are the chances of that?

In other words, the match would still have ended 1-1! Yes that’s a 1-1 draw against a team with 9 players.

Possibility 8. Result 1-1.

What’s the moral of this undeniable scientific proof?

There is a simple message; it doesn’t matter what you do there are times when you’re just not meant to win a football match, even if you’re Jose Mourinho.

In football there are no conspiracies. There is only predestination.

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