Who are you calling “mate” lad?

8 03 2015

Yesterday I witnessed a teenager dismissively utter “A return to Llandudno please mate.” in the general direction of the train guard. A few seconds later I re-imagined a classic Derek & Clive sketch;

Dirk: I’ll tell you, the other day some hipster came up to me and …..

Carwyn: Who, Les Dennis?

D: No, no, I don’t know who it was, and he said, “Excuse me Mate!!”.

C: Yeah.

D: I said, “What?” He said, “Excuse me Mate!!”.

C: Yeah. And you replied, “DON’T “MATE” ME LAD”.

D: I said-, I-, no, well, not straight away, I said, “Pardon dickhead”.

C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, …..

D: And then he said …..

C: ….. what’d he come back with?

D: He come back. He says, “Excuse me Mate”. I said, “You talking to me dickhead?.. “

C: You’re joking! He said, “Excuse me mate”?

D: He-, yeah, he said, “Excuse    Me     Mate!!!-?” I said, “You f-“, I said, “You flipping tugboat”.

C:I should hope so, “you tugboat”.

D:I s-, I said, “You tugboat”, I said, “You bloody come here and call me mate”.

C: I should say so.

D: I said, “You f-“, I said, “You tugboat”. I said, “You flipping tugboat”. I said, “Who you flipping calling ‘mate’, lad?”

C: Yeah, what did he say, “mate”?

D: He said, “Look I’m sorry mate……….Why you getting angry mate? I only said “Excuse me” mate. Do us all a favour mate, get on the banter bus!!”

C: Well who are you to say to him that he was a flipping tugboat?

D: Well, what d’you fu-, what d’you flipping think, mate, I was flipping defending my flipping self, weren’t I?

C: Well, no, he came up to you, called you “mate”, …..

D: Yeah!

C: ….. that’s fair enough, what he said, “Excuse me Mate!”, and you said back to him, “you flipping tugboat”.

D: I sa-, well, …..

C: Well, what do you expect him to say back apart from, “Look, I’m really sorry Mate. I didn’t mean to push in to the self-service queue Mate.”

D: Well, I don’t-, I don’t expect nothing, do I?

C: No.

D: But the f-, the flipping tugboat come back with, “Look I’m sorry mate”, tugboat.

C: Well, Christ, …..

D: I said, “You’re sorry “mate”?” I said, “You calling me “mate” …..

C: Yeah.

D: ….. You flipping tugboat-“, I said, “You flipping tugboat”.

C: Jesus Christ, yeah.

D: I said, “You-“, I said, “You, can shove your apology you flipping tugboat”.

C: Yeah, what-

D: I said, like that.

C: You said it like that, did you, …..

D: Yeah.

C: ….. to him, …..

D: Yeah.

C: ….. or was he gone by then?

D: No, he flipping looked at me with disdain. Fli-

C: Looked at you with disdain, did he?

D: Yeah,flipping tugboat.

C: Killed you dead with his eyes, did he?

D: Nah, he-, he just looked at me with disdain. I said, I said, …..

People I don’t mind calling me mate; My friends, other people I know, people that live north of Stafford.

People I’d ban from calling me mate; People I don’t know, the shop workers of north Wales and Chester that I don’t already know, The bar staff of Llandudno that I don’t already know, people half my age, the privately educated, hipsters, university students, people speaking on TV programmes, radio phone in hosts, the users of the banter, David Cameron.

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