An open letter to BBC Wales

4 02 2014

Dear C***s in charge of BBC Wales,

This letter is a plea for spiritual clemency, and I should know, I’m the Welshman what wrote it. I have written this letter because I’m angry with you. In a word, you need to stop your metaphorical torture.

Before I get cracking with your solely needed telling off I’ll introduce myself. I’m a TV license fee payer and I am Welsh, in short I am a Welsh TV license fee payer and because I am a Welsh TV license payer it’s a case of “I pay your wages, you listen to me.”

I was a normal, temperate Welsh license fee payer until your actions turned me in to an angry Welsh license fee payer a few weeks ago. At this point I’ll remind you that you need to placate me because I pay your wages. I keep you in designer spectacles and limited edition Audis. I provide you people with the legitimacy to look down on the likes of me. It is your public duty to listen to me.

What am I angry about? I’ll tell you, if you’ll let me get a word in.

Right well the first thing I’ll mention is the fact that you bunch of misfits and idiots ruined last Thursday evening. Instead of allowing us to watch Charlie Brooker we were forced to watch a “Scrum V Classic” featuring Wales versus Italy from 2006.

I refused to watch the programme in protest but out of interest I googled “classic, Wales v Italy, 2006” and found that Wales drew with Italy in 2006 thanks to wikipedia. So a 2006 rugby draw between Wales and the weakest team in the history of rugby is considered a classic is it? A Classic? A Classic? Are you short of dictionaries in Llandaff or something?

However, this was a small detail in my life, a mere fly on the back of a cat, most television programmes are awful. The main thing that has got right up my goat is your godawful adverts for this year’s 6 nations rugby tournament. These adverts are even worse than the programmes on ITV1. Yes your adverts are even worse than Take Me Out, what do you think about that?

Firstly, I can’t stand them, and when I say “them” I mean “all of them”.

I can’t stand this one, I especially can’t stand this one, I couldn’t stand last year’s adverts either.

 If you want an illustration of the effect that your adverts have here’s one. I have tried to forget last year’s travesty. I’ve tried and tried to forget, oh boy have I tried, but it’s been impossible. I cannot forget the precocious  little shit you inflicted on us in those adverts, his stage school overenthusiasm is burned in to my head.

Secondly, Wales, and its 9 million people, don’t need your “Wales brand builder trails” as “the brand” has already been built.

Let me assure you all that all Welshmen are aware of a brand called Wales, we’ve already heard of the brand’s rugby team and we already know of the brand they called “The Six Nations”. We don’t need to be reminded of any of this. All 9 million Welshmen already know that when January comes we’ll have to think about our annual excursion to the back of the bottom drawer for discarded rugby shirts.

Your thinking in is the wrong place. Your campaign should have been called “Don’t forget it’s time for the annual excursion to the back of the bottom drawer for your discarded rugby shirt”. This would not only have been more acceptable it would have fulfilled your remit as a public service broadcaster.

Well Misters and Misses of Llandaff let me tell you something, this angry Welsh license fee payer has had enough!!! 

Your adverts are truly some of the most irritating I’ve ever seen and I should know, I’ve seen some irritating adverts in my time, on the international scale of irritation your adverts are up there with nails down blackboard and Piers Morgan’s voice.

Let me tell you why they are irritating. You have managed to reduce the hopes and dreams of Welsh nation, the very stuff of life for the 9 million Welshmen, to images of cretinitude. Despite what you claim Wales is not, I repeat NOT, a collection of easily led imbeciles.

I know this because I live in the brand called Wales. I go to Welsh shops, I’m served by truculent Welsh shop workers and hoity-toity Welsh waiters, a Welsh milkman grunts hello to me every morning and tired Welsh newsagents grumble incoherently in my general direction when I buy newspapers. None of these people are easily led imbeciles. 

Your latest travesty for Ireland v Wales is a case in point. You insinuate that every Welshman worth their salt is going over to Ireland by boat in order to outsing the Irish hosts in Ireland. Well that’s just a load of rubbish, how the hell would all 9 million Welshmen be able to journey to Ireland via ferries? The capacity of the 4 daily ferries to Ireland would be forty thousand at most, and that’s only if we share portholes.

If there really was a boat big enough to fit all 9 million Welshmen it would be the size of the Irish Sea. That’s never going to happen. Think about it, how would a boat the size of the Irish Sea fit in the Irish Sea? How would it turn around? How would such a ship be built? A ship in the shape of the Irish Sea would be a ship of a very irregular size and shape indeed.  

If such a vessel was going to be built it would have to be built in situ and if you’re going to build a ship of that size in situ you would have to build it from both Welsh and Irish sides simultaneously. If you’re going to build a ship of that size and shape you might as well build a giant bridge between Ireland and Wales. In other words it ain’t gonna happen, no matter how much you want it to. It wouldn’t make economic sense to build a ship like I have described, are you lot living in cloud cuckoo land or something?

As for the ludicrous ending, well it’s THE most ludicrous I’ve ever seen, in fact I’d go as far as saying that it’s the most ludicrous thing that’s ever  been committed to posterity by a camera.

Firstly, would all 9 million Welshmen make a deliberate effort to travel to a busy ferry port to wave at departing ships. Secondly, would they make a deliberate effort to travel to a busy ferry port to wave at departing ships whilst wearing “Oh Look at me!! I’m a massive part-time rugby fan me” clothes? The answer is most obviously no. I only know about 5 people that would be willing go to the nearest port in a rugby shirt and daffodil balaclava to wave at departing ships, yet you make it look as though the entire Welsh nation, all 9 million Welshmen, is willing to do this. It’s just not real.

I’m not for one second saying that every Welshman is as enlightened as me, I know they aren’t – I have witnessed a bloke continue to sing Calon Lan even though his mate had set fire to his daffodil balaclava – but many of us are enlightened.

I look at the advert and I can’t recognise my own brand called Wales. They say brand is where the heart is but where is my heart now? I’ve never seen any of my Welshmen friends dress up like dragons, none of my female Welshmen friends owns a sparkly cowboy hat or red feather boa – and I speak for all three of them when I say that – and none of my Welshmen friends would ever consider wearing a daffodil balaclava either. How can you prevent reality from intervening in your narrow world view? How can you make it look as though all 9 million Welshmen like to act a teenager after 4 cans of Austrian export-stength red bull, how can you live with yourselves?

And another thing, you cannot reduce us all to red shirt clad morons, this is not on, red shirt clad morons only make up about a tenth of all Welshmen at most. There should be a disclaimer, where is the disclaimer?

Unless you’ve misread my clear letter what I’ve been trying to say with this letter is that your adverts are terrible. Your terrible adverts are not only terrible because they create the wrong impression of the Welsh people they are terrible because the creative energy employed in their creation is wasted.

If the 9 million Welshmen want to act like your advert implies we will do it of our own volition – because we’ve become cultureless morons with additional learning needs – rather than because your advert made behaving like a cultureless moron with additional learning needs look like a good idea.

I am an angry Welsh license fee payer and I deserve to be heard. Consider that you’ve been subjected to an angry telling off by an angry Welsh license fee payer.

Think on lad, or Think on lady if a lady is reading this.

Yours Depressingly and  demandingly,

Comrade Kowalski

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