The anatomy of a weekend without a match

26 01 2014

Bangor didn’t have a match this week. Rather than sulk or despair I embraced the moment. Today was an opportunity to be grasped with both hands, today I would finally be able to watch Football Focus.

Here are the edited highlights, or is it moments?, of what I heard and saw as I was sat in front of the television.

Saturday 25/1/14

12:00 – BBC 1

No match today………..A chance to watch football focus!!……… Lawro on panel…………A Di Canio interview & Clem Clem Clem before lunch……………BLOODY HELL……………..”Worst penalty shoot out EVER”……….”They need four or five”……………”We have a Transfer Deadline Day Football Focus special on Friday”…….

12:30  – Over to ITV 1

LIVERPOOL V AFC BOURNEMOUTH, FA CUP 4TH RD

PRE-MATCH

….A profile of Eddie Howe  is being narrated ………..”Harry Redknapp -Sharp man, sharp suit”………….”Bournemeouth’s problem may be keeping up with their manager”……..

12:39 – Back to BBC 1

…..Clem Clem Clem is about to patronize Kidderminster players in the foyer of their hotel……

12: 39 and 10 seconds – Over to BBC 2

……The Hairy Bikers are arsing around in the kitchen…..

12:42 – Back to BBC 1

…….”FA Cup back on BBC next season”……..

12:45 – Back to ITV1

AFC BOURNEMOUTH V LIVERPOOL FA CUP 4th ROUND

FIRST HALF

……..”William hill proud sponsors of the FA Cup on ITV”…….. “There are 2 questions; Can Bournemouth do what they did 30 years ago? Can Liverpool avoid what happened last season?” ……. “Bournemouth have made a terrific start”……. And the crowd chant “Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?” ………… “A bit casual that pass” ………… “That’s where he’s clever Suarez”…………… “Give them a chance to work Lee Camp”…… “Lee Camp has been a spectator here”……………..”Don’t be fooled by the sweet face, no-one works harder”……………………”Moutinho finding space between lines”………………”It’s that sort of surface today Clive, you try and zip and go and then your standing foot goes” ……………”Wigan Athletic showed last year that the FA Cup can reach parts others can’t” …………. “Toure does well to throw himself at the shot”…………..”He did well there to dip in and have a nibble”………..

HALF TIME

…..”Bournemouth full of energy”……… “If they’re still behind with 20 minutes left they can bring the South African lad on, Saki….Saki…..Saki”…………..”Yeah we know who you mean”…………

SECOND HALF

….”Over the last few years they’ve lost to the likes of Barnsley, Oldham” ……………….. “Russian owner who’s never interviewed, just the type you want” ………”Martin Skrtl getting treatment there……..he’s got some information on his arms there, has anyone seen Prison Break?”…….And the crowd chant “Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?” ……….”That is a penalty, make no mistake”……….”1. Hit the target, and if you can hit the back post”………. “England v Uruguay? You can see that match on ITV in the summer”……………..”John Flanagan, although an Englangland U21 cap, is still eligible for Ireland. I see a fight in the car park bwetween Roy Keane and Roy Hodgson, I know who’d be favourite” ………. “You need a referee to see that”……

2:00 – Over to S4C

CARMARTHEN TOWN V ABERYSTWYTH TOWN, WPL

FIRST HALF

………..The commentator dubs Mark “I’ll put the big lads at the back” Aizlewood  “King of Tactics” ……………. An unexpected  typhoon causes the commentary team to laugh uncontrollably…………..The wind prevents a goal kick being taken……………………Will the match be abandoned? ……………..The players go off ……………… Match abandoned……………….. Not it’s not…………….. Aberystwyth Town keeper finally takes goal kick……….

HALF TIME

……………..Blue skies over Llanelli…………..

SECOND HALF

 …………The sun is out……..Carmarthen goalkeeper Steve Cann throws someone in the net…….. A Goal………1-0 Aberystwyth…………….. 2-0 Aberystwyth ……………… 3-0 Aberystwyth ……..

4:00 – Back to BBC1

INDOOR ATHLETICS

…… “Away they go!!!!!!!!”………. “A disappointing 400m from her” ………… “Ran a very good leg” ……..

4:05 – Back to BBC2

BOWLS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

……………….. “Fine margins here” ……………… “You can’t  afford slight mistakes at this level, they will be punished” …………….. “No mistake with the last bowl!!!” …… “That’s the sort of bowl you don’t want to hurry!”………….. “Again he got the double touch!!!!!”…….

4:15 – Press the red button

FINAL SCORE

…………”We’re over to the Etihad, where the big story is”…………….. “Any sign of a Swansea equalizer?” ……………. “Cameron Jerome should have done better” ………….. “There’s been a sending off in the Rochdale v Sheffield Wednesday” ………… “Game on here!!!” ………… “Bolton are going down fighting” …………….. “Michael Laudrup can breath a huge sigh of relief” ………… “A long last 20 minutes” …………… “Is the dream over for Yeovil Town? Tony Husband” ……………. “And to Vale Park with Hamish Marshall” ………….. “And the latest from Harry Gration at the The John Smith’s stadium”……..

4:30 – Back to BBC 1

FINAL SCORE

…… “What a transformation 2 goals in 3 minutes and Swansea are in front”………………………… “All the cavalry are on!!!” ………… “End to end stuff here” ……… “There’s been a goal at Blackpool” ………. “The shock is off for now’ …….. “We thought it might be a long second half” ………….. “Swansea better in the second half” ……….. “A sour note here, only 11,000 out of the population of Birmingham, what does that tell you?” …………

There was too much detail to keep up.

4:35 – Back to S4C

BALA TOWN V CEFN DRUIDS, WELSH CUP 4TH ROUND

…………Match off………. Men around a table……….Dai Davies, Malcolm Allen……………. “Watford Dwy Manchester City Dair”……

4:40 – Back to BBC 1

Hushed voices, serious points being made ……… “What a scoreline here, Oldham were 3-0 down now it’s 4-4” …….. “I’m hearing of another goal at the Etihad” …………. “City now cruising in to Round 5” ……….

4:55 – Back to S4C

They’re still talking

5:00 – Back to BBC1

…………”The BBC app is just the think you need to keep in touch with what’s happening on Transfer Deadline Day”………… “The M6 be full of faces liked slapped backsides”……………………… An advert advertises Wales’ matches in the six nations, every “fantastic fan” seems to be wearing fancy dress or a daffodil-shaped balaclava. It all seems a long, long way from the 1980s when my dad used to go to five nations matches in his normal clothes……….

Sunday 26/11/14

3:00 – Turn over to ITV 1

CHELSEA V STOKE CITY – FA CUP 4TH ROUND

PRE-MATCH

……”Jose Mourinho’s a happy chappy, we talk to him after the break”……..”Chances. We missed lost of chances”…….. “That’s why Mourinho looks happier” ………… “Look!! You were quite good in your prime Gianfranco”……………..”Download the app now. LADBROKES, GAME ON!!!!!” …………….”A Strong teamsheet, supporters will look at that and think you value the FA Cup”……

“The key was we needed to stay in the game”…………..”The ingredients are there for a good game”…………… “David Luiz usually gives you a chance”…… “It’s a right good crowd”……..

FIRST HALF

…….”In the dugouts there’s a Welshman and a Potugeezer”………….”Afternoon Everyone, welcome from the first match of the post Juan Mata era”…………….”A few Chelsea fans still wondering what was the Mata with Juan but there’s only room for one special one in West London”………. “One or two have been keeping an eye on him in the transfer window”……… “An eventful 2013, John Terry”…………Electronic advertising hoarding briefly knackered ………..“Four red and white shirts had to take the ball off Hazard”……. “Tries to play the one-two, appeals for a penalty”……….” He left his leg straight there, gave him the excuse to go down” ……….. “Chelsea do pop it around”………. “He’s got to stand him up there”………. “Juan Mata may well have departed but that’s what Oscar has in his locker”………. “Happy Birthday Jose”………….. “That’s a very good yellow card for Wilson”……….. “That man’s goal has lit up the stadium, analysis with the boys next” …………..

HALF TIME

……….”Chelsea in control and Stoke, to quote Bill Shankly, are lucky to have nil” ………… “I wanted to design a super yacht that would break all the rules” ……… “Sky, Believe in Better”………..

SECOND HALF

……GAZPROM: The Global Energy Partner for Chelsea FC…………….. “That’s very clever from Walters” ………..

Stopped Watching 4:57 – Had enough

I’ll find something to do next time I’m not going to a match in the fresh air.

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