It’s campaign time!!!!! NO-CLEM-BER is here!!!!!

3 11 2013

Now that it’s November 2013 a stand must be taken.

Until today a single man has been allowed to exert an extremely unwelcome force upon weekends.

This single man has been allowed to single-handedly defecate upon a football fan’s traditional relaxation period.

In November 2013 football fans solely need this relaxation period to recover between virulent outbreaks of “The Banter”.

We must reclaim our weekends and we must act NOW, we simply cannot let another month pass without action.


The source of effluence is of course Mark “Clem” Clemmitt.

A famous Llandudno saying tells us that one man’s personality is another’s nerve shredding toothache and “Clem” certainly proves this famous north Walian wisdom. This man literally launches a thousand fuck offs at a thousand television screens every Saturday night / Sunday morning.

The problem has its roots in “Clem“‘s belief system; he believes that he possesses a rare ability to reduce everything to matey banter.

He could be chatting to a universally admired comedy-manager or a  universally loathed manager but he’ll still playfully ask “Alright mate tell us about your lucky socks!!!!”. He could be chatting to a universally ignored kit man or a universally loathed franchise chairman but you’d never know with his coquettish manner; “Alright mate, tell us about your lucky cufflinks!!!” The BBC’s cartlidge free knee joint has to be stopped.

If overpowering matey banter doesn’t make you vomit his bobbing head of punctuation will. “Clem” also believes that it is fine to use bouncing head movements to punctuate his bon mots to camera. This might not be so bad if he chose not to emphasise EVERY OTHER BLOODY WORD.

The phrase less is less could have been produced in a bepoke wordsmiths’ workshop for “Clem”. To say this approach grates doesn’t do justice to the mental scars football fans stoically bare. This fool and his unsettling behavior has to be stopped.

If you have the benefit of access to BT Sport you will see another, even more disconcerting, side to “Clem”; he has all the subtlety of a brick passing through a plate glass window. For example a closed door would drop hints to most people to “Clem” it represents an impertinent challenge.

Closed doors represent unmistakable matey banter opportunities for this gentleman adventurer of the airwaves, custom, etiquette and manners are merely coatings of dust to be brushed off “for the viewer”.

They say timing is everything but “Clem” laughs in the face of this luddite’s maxim. Timing is nothing to our adventurer, he’ll barge in at the start of the day, he’ll barge in to important pre-match warm-ups, he’ll barge in to the confidential tactical instructions, he’ll barge through the lines of players in the tunnel. “Clem’s” devotion to his craft means that not even the sanctity of the referee’s changing room is respected. I was actually saw “Clem” ask the ref if he could press the bell that make the players leave the changing room.

This madness has to be stopped for the good of football. This chancer has to be stopped for the sanity of football fans.

With all this in mind the Llandudno Jet Set would like to protest against his continued presence on British television by rechristening the month of November as “NO-CLEM-BER”

To achieve our aim we make the following appeal to the football fans of Britain; During NO-CLEM-BER please remain clean shaven and refrain from purple knitwear, public exuberance and matey banter.

It’s that easy to make things happen.

Remember, we must change things, “Clem” must be stopped.


This campaign will form part of the soon to be published “LLANDUDNO JET SET MANIFESTO TO IMPROVE FOOTBALL”.




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