When “The Banter” tries to mend “That Modern Football”

19 08 2013

I usually give the porn mags for cowards (Zoo, Nuts, Loaded, FHM et al) a wide birth so I was more than a little annoyed when the pink and white words on FHM’s cover – “THANK GOD FOOTY’S BACK!!” –  intrigued me last Wednesday. Like Oscar WIlde the only things I can’t resist are temptation and articles about football in lads’ mags.

After a quick skim I found what I was after….. “A manifesto for the beautiful game”. I knew had to buy the magazine as quickly as possible, get it home and read it from cover to cover, I just had to find out if my prejudices would be confirmed.

In the 22 minutes I spent forensically dissecting the publication every prejudice I have about the porn mags for cowards was confirmed, my only thought was Tyler Durden’s; “Is this what defines a man?”

If The Banter were ever to develop a physical form it would probably look something like FHM. The Banter almost literally seeps out of the magazine. This month you’ll find reverence for catchphrase-based wanker Keith Lemon, tips on making prank calls and adverts for road trips, blagging and pimping your summer with Gaymer’s Cider that look like articles.

You’ll also find the tips that can turn you from a top bloke in to a complete legend. After just one read of the magazine you’ll be able to throw the “Ultimate Spring Breakers Party” like on the films!!!! (The secret is buying overpriced red paper cup apparently), you’ll be able to “Tan like a man“!!!! (Shorts and towels for every occasion) and you’ll be able to “Drink like a man“!!!!! (Make sangria obviously). Most importantly you’ll be able to insert pithy one liners about your biceps (or “guns”) into conversations like a practiced narcissist. What happened to our society’s spontaneity?

I always thought I was a man because that was my biological sex but it seems I’m only a partial man. Imagine how I feel, a magazine has cast doubt upon my virility.

Thankfully FHM’s “manifesto for the beautiful game” reminded me that I still was a bloody bloke with red blood in my veins, I like The Footy!!! GRRRRRR!!!!

When I re-read the “manifesto” again and again and absorbed their desire to save football I realized I’d misjudged FHM. The magazine is actually a work of “Genius!!!!!!!!!” and the article is “Genius!!!!!!!!!!!” on any and every conceivable level. By passing judgment on these quality publications I was simply being a moaning liberal PC nonce, a mincing lady boy with a sense of humour by-pass.

The article hits the nail right on the head. Firstly the title, “A manifesto for the beautiful game”, is a masterpiece of “Genius!!!!!!” on sooooo many levels…………….. I’m sorry I can’t go on with this charade.

The article certainly hits  a nail on its head; it shows exactly what’s wrong with That Modern Football, it shows how That Modern Football is directly aimed at the willing victims of Murdoch indoctrination, the pub-based prick with too much to say for himself.

This problem is highlighted by the title, no football fan I know describes football as “the beautiful game” useless they’re ironically describing tactical ineptitude or thuggery. The opening line isn’t far behind in the infamy stakes; “After three months of footie-draught……..” the normal football fans I know like a three month break from The Banter.

Of course a manifesto that could change football for the better is a good idea and there some good points in this manifesto. For example; Point 1. Treat the away fans right; Point 6. Go Green. Point 13. Fans run the club. and Point 15. Do it like the Germans (With ownership and that).

The problem isn’t manifestoes, it’s this manifesto, it caters too much for the willing victims of Murdoch indoctrination. For years fans would be educated into the ways of football fandom by the established fans, in short, you were forced to fit in with football. Nowadays Murdoch’s willing victims want football to bend in their direction. The irritating thing is that not a due is paid, any twat’s allowed to externalize an opinion like it’s normal.

So, let’s turn to the cavalcade of crap ideas.

Point 2. Introduce Augmented Reality – This basically means allowing stats to be displayed around players as they run around, as if matches are giant computer games. I’m not quite sure how stats help you to appreciate, or even understand, “the beautiful game”.

The appreciation of a work of art isn’t enhanced by knowing the precise amounts of brush strokes or chisel strokes it took to produce the work of art, a film can be appreciated without knowing the precise amount of words in the script. If you’re divorced from your ability to judge something on an aesthetic level, or you cannot watch football without recourse to stats, then you’re more of a desiccated counting machine than a living breathing football fan.

Just to highlight the crapness of the idea a bloke from Google, Stephen Rosenthal asks us this question;

“How cool would it be to have real-time “pass completion rate” appearing in front of your eyes from the seat?”

No, you twat, it wouldn’t be very cool, most fans are able tell when their midfielder has tried too many Hollywood passes without your help.

Point 5. Put TVs In The Back of Seats – I’ll just repeat what they say word for word;

Social media, smartphones and tablets have altered the way in which fans consume  football both at home and down the pub. It’s time to take this immersive experience into the grounds..”

So a football fan watching a match inside ground isn’t having an “immersive” enough experience? It gets better;

“…..Having a TV in the back of seats would allow fans to catch up with the action in other games…..”

As if hearing people comparing their fixed odds coupons wasn’t bad enough already. Then there’s the words of a Samsung mouthpiece;

 “……It’s really up to the stadium designers to invest in the experience of their visitors.”

So a company that manufactures mini-tvs for the back of seats wants stadium designers to “invest in the experience of their visitors” by putting mini-tvs on the back of seats. Hmmmm?

In other words this point tells us that the “experience” of going to a match just isn’t enough for some fans.

Point 7. Holographic Replays – Obviously this is for pubs, if it wasn’t so needless it would be useful. The opening line is the best part;

“So you’re sitting in the pub with your mates, having just watched your club’s luxury winger curl in a perfect free-kick. You lose all your shit like a bunch of gibbons at a warehouse rave. What could make it better?”

Here’s a few ideas that would make the situation better, avoiding people like this by avoiding pubs on a Sunday afternoon or avoiding them by simply going to a match. “You lose all your shit like a bunch of gibbons at a warehouse rave…………..” For fuck’s sake.

Point 12. More Kick-Ass Apps – Again I’ll let their words roam free;

“Most of us can’t get through a game on TV without texting mates or boasting about our team on twitter, so we want to see more creative apps to help us feel involved..”

Here’s one dickhead, why not “feel involved” by actually going to a match, only don’t sit anywhere near me.

Point 16. Retro Third Kits – “Why not make every club’s third kit an old-school throwback?”  I’ll give you a reason, we don’t need 3rd kits you Murdoch indoctrinated twat.

Point 19. Better Nicknames – For players obviously. They must have been running out of ideas by this point.

Point 22. Managers Should Have The Balls of Tony Pulis – I’m not entirely sure what they mean here, it’s probably just an excuse to crowbar in an interview with Mr. Pulis where he states “War intrigues me”.

If you want a vision of the future imagine a bunch of gibbons losing their shit at a warehouse rave for eternity.




2 responses

14 09 2013
20 08 2013
Welsh not British (@welshnotbritish)

If augmented reality did come into football then stats would not be the primary use it would be sponsors logos. Depending on which country (or should that be market) you were watching from you would end up having a more localised version of their branding.

But if it was used for stats then it woudn’t be 500 passes it would be 500 “insert sponsor here” passes. Just like on talk shit when a player hasn’t scored 10 goals this season he’s scored 10 “Barclays Premier League” goals this season.

At least the porn pop ups would be better.

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