And now for a special announcement ……… “Clem” is the new Doctor Who!!!

4 08 2013

Someone passed us tonight’s speech so the Llandudno Jet Set can exclusively reveal the identity of the new Doctor Who by revealing what the producer will say….

I would now like to reveal that the identity of the new Doctor Who.

The twelfth Doctor Who will be…………………… Football League Show baldie Mark “Clem” Clemitt.

This may represent a radical departure but this incarnation of Doctor Who will see quite a few radical changes to the format.  Firstly, “Doctor Who” will become “Doctor Clem”.

Secondly, his new signature look will be the look that people have come to associate with the man in question;  Jeans, purple sweater and loafers, in other words; Doctor Clem is pure “Clem”.

Thirdly, and the most radical departure, Doctor Clem will not fight traditional enemies like The Master, The Daleks and The Cybermen or the more recent villains. Instead he will use his trademark matey charm to become the first multi-dimensional matey charm based interviewer in the history of space and time.

The producers understand that the new approach may not appeal to the natural constituency of Doctor Who fans but we feel that Doctor Who must broaden it’s appeal during these tough economic times.

The beauty of our new approach is that Doctor Who will now become a multi-functional sort of programme. Consequently Doctor Who will not only form part of the BBC’s entertainment output, the historical interview nature of the new format mean that it will also form part of the BBC’s educational output as well.

Some critics may argue that our need to undertake cost-cutting measures is a restriction upon our activities but we see it more as an opportunity to showcase that most British of characteristics, versatility.

For example Doctor Who’s filming timetable will allow Clem to continue as a roving reporter with a gleam in the eye for The Football League Show, the role that won the nation’s hearts. We know that this will please football fans up and down Britain. The same situation applies to the people playing Doctor Clem’s two sidekicks; Sue Perkins and Gregg Wallace.

Critics may also argue that feel that we have sold the much loved franchise short but Clem was the best man for the job, he has enough charisma to take on the new role and continue with his role on The Football League Show. We know that his trademarked brand of matey charm is the way forward.

We can also exclusively reveal some snippets from the first three episodes of the new series;

“Alexander the Great” – Ep 1 Series 37

(The opening shot is a typical Greek bay, Doctor Clem begins to speak)

This man is known by literally hundreds of names…

(Cut to Doctor Clem behind a pillar)

…He’s Alexander the Great…..

(Cut to Doctor Clem moving rightwards from behind a pillar)

…. Alexander III….

(Cut to Doctor Clem moving leftwards from behind a pillar.)

…..Alexander II of Macedon…

(Cut to the shot that rapidly ascending from between Doctor Clem’s feet)

…Mégas Aléxandros…

(Cut to Doctor Clem’s trademark talking head)

…The King of Babylon…

(Zoom in to Doctor Clem’s trademark talking head)

… The King of Asia…

(Zoom in further to Doctor Clem’s trademark talking head)

…King of the Four Quarters of the World…..But is this whole story?

(Doctor Clem looks in to the distance)

(Show clip of Alexander The Great entering his palace, Doctor Clem moves towards the enlightened ruler, shakes his hand and slaps him on the back in that inimitable style

 (Cut to shot from over Doctor Clem’s shoulder)

“Alex, tell us about those lucky socks?”

“Al Capone” – Ep. 2 Series 37

(The opening shot is the lobby of an exclusive Chicago hotel, Doctor Clem begins to speak)

They call this the windy city…

(Cut to a man in a trenchcoat and trilby sitting at a table, he’s reading a newspaper. He conspiratorially lowers the newspaper. Doctor Clem is revealed)

…but today’s subject has created a hurricane!!!!

(Cut to a panning shot from right. Doctor Clem conspiratorially lowers the newspaper)

…. They call him Scarface….

(Cut to a panning shot from left Doctor Clem conspiratorially lowers the newspaper)

…..They call him Snorky…

(Cut to a panning shot from below. Doctor Clem conspiratorially lowers the newspaper)

…They say when Betty Grable called she calls him Al!!!…

(Cut to Clem looking left then right in that conspiratorial way then pulling his collar up)

…They say Prohibition made him…

(Clem orders a drink from barman) 

…But then it all went sour…

(Zoom out from Doctor Clem’s face, he’s holding a glass of milk)

…Let go and talk to the man himself!!!

(Clem looks at milk in his trademark suggestive manner)

(Show clip of Al Capone entering the prison meeting room flanked by two guards. Doctor Clem moves towards the enlightened criminal mastermind, shakes his hand and slaps him on the Back in that inimitable style.)

(Cut to the shot from over Doctor Clem’s shoulder)

“Alphonse, tell us about your lucky violin case.”

“Benito Mussolini” – Ep. 3 Series 37

(The opening shot is a sweeping shot of Rome, Doctor Clem begins to speak)

There was a march on Rome…

(Doctor Clem is walking to the camera, cut to his feet)

…They say he’s sorted out public transport…..

(Cut to Doctor Clem standing at a bustop, a bus pulls up and Doctor Clem gets on)

…. They say he’s not afraid to change his  political position….

(Cut to Doctor Clem standing under a roadsign for crossroads.)

…. They say he likes people to wear black…

(Cut to the shot of Doctor Clem stroking a black shirt in a clothes shop)

…They say he likes to be a winner…

(Cut to Doctor Clem looking longingly at a poster for the 1934 world cup)

…Now it’s time to meet the real man behind the headline, let’s meet Il Duce!!!

(Doctor Clem stride past the camera in to the distance)

(Show clip of Mussolini entering his summer residence, Doctor Clem moves towards the enlightened despot, shakes his hand and slaps him on the back in that inimitable style.)

 (Cut to shot from over Doctor Clem’s shoulder)

“Benny, tell us about those lucky jack boots?”

We’re lucky, lucky people, we really are.

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