You need to embrace defeat lad

16 05 2013

I think I’ve worked out the main problem with the people who use social media and like “THE FOOTBALL”, the divvies can’t accept defeat.

I’ve decided to do something about this. I’m going to help eradicate this flat-earthism by starting a pressure group; “The Righteous Coalition Against Football-based Stupidity” (which will be known as RCAFS). We must fight back against this insidious threat, we must take a stand!!!

My first step has been to write a script for an advert, well how else am I going to get the message out there?

[Darkness.

The sound of clinking cups and shouted food orders builds slowly.

The picture becomes brighter………………………..A man is reading a broadsheet paper.

The camera zooms out to reveal that the man is sitting at a café table. The camera zooms further out and an everyday, working class “Greasy Spoon” cafeteria is revealed.

The camera floats down the aisle, we see man after man eating fry-ups and drinking tea. Then the camera suddenly stops and returns to the first man.

He puts down his broadsheet, picks up his working class “Greasy Spoon” cafeteria mug and slurps down a mouthful of tea. He then slams the cup down and says “AHHHH” with a satisfied expression on his face. He then rises from his seat.

The audience immediately notices that he’s different from the rest of the customers. He’s immaculately dressed in a three-piece suit while the other patrons are in work clothes and ill-fitting polyester. The man looks out of place. 

(Note to actor; I can hear the questions in your head “A man in a three piece suit, reading a broadsheet newspaper!!!, in a Working Class Greasy Spoon Cafeteria? That just doesn’t ring true darling!!” Well love, your motivation here is irony.

If you can’t picture irony then picture the annoying Geordie-Mackem-Middlesborough twang in the cuntish HP adverts. (By The Way, saying “Manwich” when you mean “Sandwich” isn’t funny in the slightest, the last actor for which I wrote a specific part tried this joke and we threw him in the nearest river and then blacklisted him)

The man in the suit looks around with a quizzical expression upon his face., the kind of expression that tells the audience “I’m a character”. He moves sideways, almost gliding, to the aisle and then strides over to the counter. Before the owner (in a clichéd string vest) can speak the man in the suit put his finger to the his lips.]

[The man in the suit then turns to face the full cafeteria, looks at the camera and begins his monologue.]

“There is a problem in our midst….

 [The man begins striding purposefully down the aisle.]

 …. Yes, there is a major problem with us …..

[The man takes a sip from the mug of the first obviously working class customers. The man then ruffles the customer’s hair dismissively before carrying on.]

….We all know there’s a problem, yes we all know there’s a problem, but no-one will say. Well my friends…

[The man lovingly grabs the cheek of a second obviously working class customer.]

…. it’s time to stop denying the truth to ourselves. We need to confront the problem….

[The man points an accusing finger at  the third obviously working class customer, this one cannot bring his cup to his lips.]

…. It’s time we acknowledged that football fans must embrace the idea of defeat!!!

[It’s another accusing finger for another obviously working class customer, this one has half a piece of toast dangling from his gaping mouth.]

Hiding from the idea of defeat might sound like the best thing, but shielding yourself from the icy grip of defeat is too easy. It is too easy people…

[At the next table a fifth obviously working class customer gazes open-mouthed at the Man.]

….Refusing to embrace defeat might sound like a pleasant way to act but it’s bad people, so, so bad….

[A sixth obviously working class customer is agog.]

….It’s no good people, you need to embrace defeat.

YOU NEED TO EMBRACE DEFEAT. YES YOU!!!!

YOU NEED TO NOT ONLY TASTE THE BITTERNESS OF DEFEAT, YOU HAVE TO ENJOY THE TASTE!!! FOR THE TASTE OF DEFEAT MAKE THE TASTE OF VICTORY ALL THE SWEETER!!!!

[A seventh obviously working class customer spits his tea all over the table when he realizes that the man is dead right]

WE SPEND FAR TOO LONG WORRYING ABOUT DEFEAT’S ICE-COLD EMBRACE, BUT WE HAVE TO LONG FOR THAT ICE-COLD EMBRACE FOR IT WILL MAKE THE EMBRACE OF VICTORY ALL THE WARMER!!!

[A eighth obviously working class customer is smiling in that knowing way. The penny has dropped!!!]

You see people you have been thinking about this in the wrong way. Victory, Defeat and Draw are mere words.

Victory is not really a victory, it’s an opportunity to look like arrogant swine.

Defeat is not really defeat, it’s an opportunity to dream of better times, of golden skies.

[The obviously working class customers begin to rise in open-mouthed wonder at what they’re hearing.]

Most of all you need to remember that the Chinese word for opportunity and crisis is the same “Crisi-tunity”

Yes comrades, Crisi-tunity knocks!!!

Do we give in to petty squabbling OR DO WE DARE TO DREAM?

[By the time the man reaches the door the cafeteria’s clientele is on it’s feet cheering and hugging. The owner is high-fiving with the usually bored teenage waitress.

The man opens the door, turns around and then stands in the doorway. He nods patronisingly at those easily-led working class customers.

The man smoothes his jacket down and straightens his tie and wears “that smug look” upon his face. The last shot is the man striding off in to the distance.]

I’d better get a stronger letterbox for the volume of applications I’m going to receive.

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17 05 2013
My favourite photo | Llandudno Jet Set

[…] and most importantly for the purposes of RCAFS‘, it exemplifies the sort of values that a football fan should have, and I’m not just saying […]

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