The Jet Set plan for improving football in 2013

28 12 2012

We all know that football needs to change. The Llandudno Jet Set presents a new way of doing things……….

1. Calmness would be a contractual obligation for commentators

Stop getting excited ya bunch of pricks.

2. Rupert Murdoch would be taken to court

There’s no doubt that Rupert Murdoch is the biggest cause of British football’s moral malaise. In the new way of doing things his reign of terror would cease.

We all know that we’re better than him but a moral victory is not enough. Society needs total victory against malevolent people, we need to hold people like that to account. We would hold Murdoch to account by taking the fucker to court. Everybody is equal under the law, even rich people.

We’d prove the fuckers’ guilt by gaining victory and gaining victory would be easy as the case against him is watertight. A victory in court would also mean a victory for society; by proving Murdoch has ruined football his grip on British society would be lessened a little bit more.  However, before we get too excited taking people to court is a game that’s played by rich people. In order to make society better we would need to indulge in a little fundraising.

The Jet Set has a cunning plan to deal with this problem; all we need to do is raise a fighting fund of 4 million pounds by convincing every non-premier league club in England and Wales  (over 40,000 of ’em) to donate 100 pounds. With 4 million pounds, which would mean that we could hire the best law talking guys in the British Isles. With the best law talking guys on our side our victory would not only be assured it would lead to Sky going bust.

In the post Murdoch football world football would automatically become a closer-knit community;  every club will have been brought together by the fundraising and people will have learned to smile again!!! In the post-Murdoch football world premier league clubs would feel just like the post-revolutionary bourgeoisie; life will be less stressful, the corrupting chains of the system, of Sky’s money, will have been thrown off!!!  Sky’s prize money will have ended so wages will fall; as wages will fall there will be no need to keep up with the Jones of Siberia, Dubai and New England as they will be no Jones to keep with; There will be no need to sell, sell, sell anything so hype would be redundant. There would be no reason to become stressed, there would be no need to devise novel marketing ruses.

Without Murdoch’s imperial control football would shrink to “normal” – anybody will be able to win the oligarch-free league, there will only one live match a week on terrestrial TV and there will be an updated version of Saint and Greavsie, I suggest “Merse ‘n’ Sav“, every Saturday Lunchtime. “Merse ‘n’ Sav” ‘will be 2013’s Jedward, mark my words.

Come on people, let’s make this happen!

3. UEFA would be reformed

In the new way of doing things there would be several reforms;

  • Reinstitute the Cup Winners’ Cup – Tuesday for the UEFA Cup, Wednesday for the European Cup and Thursday for the Cup Winners’ Cup.
  • Turn prize money into expenses – If the prize money is turned into expenses  UEFA do not need to charge TV companies all that money, consequently matches will return to their rightful home on terrestrial television. When we link this idea to idea number 2 the drop in wages will be hastened.
  • Either – Open Draws –  With the removal of massive payouts there would be no need to safeguard revenue streams, if Europe’s big clubs object about being drawn together, fuck ’em there’s not a lot they can do.
  • Or – Every other season reverse the European draws – Every other season the clubs that now play in the qualifying rounds will go straight to the group stage and the clubs that normally go straight to the group stages will start in the qualifying rounds.

All we need to do is organise that Coup d’etat.

4. Goalkeepers would wear more traditional kit

Goalkeepers are already alienated from the rest of their teammates by their position. They don’t need the further alienation of a bespoke kit. In the new way of doing things bespoke goalkeepers’ kit would go.

In the good old days keepers would wear the same shorts and socks as the rest of their teammates. If this was good enough for Dai Davies, Shilton and Clemence then it’s good enough for Hart, Buffon and Speroni. I wouldn’t accept any guff from annoyed keepers, even if they started with “oooooooh ya bitch, what about my protective kit ducky?” they’d get very short shrift. In the 1980s keepers wore the same hotpants as the rest of their teammates even though they had to dive about on glorified municipal mudbaths. Nowadays pitches are covered by lovely cushioning grass for the whole of the season so there’s simply no excuse.

While we’re at it. In the new way of things short-sleeved goalkeepers shirts would be outlawed, if goalkeepers want shorter sleeves they can roll their sleeves up. And another thing, goalkeepers’ shirts would be restricted to the following colours; green, black, yellow and blue. Red shirts would be exclusive to Watford and white shirts would be exclusive to Peter Shilton tribute acts.

5. People indulging in banter would be dealt with

Let’s make one thing clear, the people that use banter are twats. We’re not talking about good-natured joshing with lifelong mates, relatives or your Dad’s workmates, joshing is fine. I’m talking about the kind of shit you read on twitter and facebook, stuff like this;

“The quicker he (Aaron Ramsey) follows Gary Speed the better.”

This particular charmless little fucker thinks banter includes wishing someone would die because they’d played in a match his club had lost.

In the new way of doing things a twat would receive an ASBO if they’re caught doing any of the following;

– Indulging in “The Banter”

– Thinking they’re indulging in “The Banter”

– Using combinations of “mate”, “top”, “banter”,”bantz” or “genius”

– Calling someone “mate” and sounding like Jack Whitehall

A second offence would result in a Banning Order. Subsequent offences would result in house arrest. Banter users need a long, dull, drawn out shock.

6. Constant moaners would earn a starting place

We’ve all heard moaning fuckers;

” ‘e don’t know what ‘e’s doing’

“e’s lost the dressing room.”

“Why’s ‘e still picking that knobhead? ‘e’s crap!!”

“I could play better than that useless fucker!!”

“I give ‘im a month to turn it around!!”

In the new way of doing things there would be a vacant place in every professional team for moaning bastards. The winner of the place would be the person that produces the most outlandish, or most sustained, diatribe during the 24 hour period after a match. Let’s see how well they’d cope with the pressure.

If a fan constantly moans about players not trying something special would be lined up for them; a bespoke kidnapping. This would involve a week’s stay in a luxury deserted house on a deserted island. They would be blindfolded and chained to a radiator for the whole week.

When the week ended there would be two days until the next match, the moaner would be placed at the nearest motorway junction to their home and told to find their own way home. When they made it to the ground they would have a first team place. Let’s see if they would be able to concentrate on playing football after their ordeal.

The moaners wouldn’t be the only people helped by their therapy of cultural re-education, everybody would be helped.; the therapy would encourage other moaners to think twice about externalising their feelings in the future.




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