I’m being stalked by Big Sam

13 01 2012

I’m sure that if I was a Blackburn fan I’d probably have warm feelings for Sam “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams” Allardyce. I’d remember the managerial genius of “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams” as it was a genius that brought us so many great times. The present difficulties would only reinforce this genius, there is an absence of mediocrity of mid- table safety in the Blackburn, Lancashire of today!!

If I was actually a Blackburn fan I’d like to think that I’d be one of the enlightened Blackburn fans that follows football in general but this wouldn’t help me as it  would mean that I’d know that “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams” was working his magic down at West Ham. Consequently, if I was actually an enlightened  Blackburn fan I’d be a very frustrated enlightened Blackburn fan.

I’d try to be hopeful but I know that I would constantly remember the good old days under “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams”. I’d remember how those were the days when mid-table mediocrity was a safety blanket, the days when I could meet the gaze of my postman, butcher and stockbroker.  I’d remember the time when BIG SAM the alchemist provided took the base ingredients of  two banks of four and long throw ins and produced a new golden era of mid-table mediocrity. Then I’d remember how the time of the great magician “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams” was cut short so horribly, then I’d be upset again.

If I were a frustrated enlightened Blackburn fan I’m sure that I would become so frustrated that I’d organise some kind of risible protest against something I couldn’t properly define. I’d even make a banner for it.

Fortunately I’m not the sort of enlightened Blackburn that protests for no discernible reason, I’m not a Blackburn fan at all actually. Like all right-thinking people  I detest Sam “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Big Sams” Allardyce. I remember his conceit;

“I’m not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Inter or Real Madrid,” Allardyce said. “It wouldn’t be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time. Give me Manchester United or Chelsea and I would do the same, it wouldn’t be a problem. It’s not where I’m suited to, it’s just where I’ve been for most of the time.”  – I don’t care if the arsehole thinks he was being ironic.

I remember how he used the buzzwords of sports science to disguise agricultural football with the cloak of progressiveness. I remember how he treats football with contempt, how he fills his  interviews with  optimistic hopes of something good then asks his team to hoof it to the big man up.

Most of all I remember his moaning. “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams”  is quite simply one of the biggest moaning bastards in football. In case you’ve forgotten this just type in “Sam Allardyce” and “referees” and see how many hits you get. After you’ve done this you will realise that the names “Sam Allardyce” and “BIG SAM” are naked without an extra word or two. Words like; “Claims”, “Blasts”, “Hits Out”, “Furious”, “Lashes Out”, “Accuses”, “Fumes over”…

Football has produced so many glorious and joyful moments yet I still think of  “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams” but that’s the power of “BIG SAM -the biggest of all Sams”, he looms over the landscape of British football like a morose monolith. Fortunately when I’m about to  think of the grumbling fucker I start shaking and if I catch the shaking early enough it’s usually ok. After taking medication my brain usually reboots and I shudder back to life.

Because of the effect that  “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams”  has on my joie-de-vivre  I try to forget the morose monolith but the modern world doesn’t let me forget him. Last month West Ham decided to start sending personalised e-mails from the moaning get. Needless to say he spent most of the e-mails moaning, as if what he has to say matters. Have a look;

On the 12thDecember “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams”  told me that…

“Saturday’s defeat at Reading was a day where everything that could go wrong, did go wrong………………We are still second but at this stage, and where we want to go this season, you don’t want to lose two on the trot. We have lost five overall now and we have to put it right next weekend

We lost at Reading because we have lost our cool. We had two players sent-off and it made life hugely difficult for ourselves. After we lost Joey O’Brien, we didn’t even defend the free-kick properly and they were able to score a soft goal.

If we had coped with that, we would have reorganised, put in two banks for four and tried to make it as difficult as we could for Reading to score against ten men. We would have said ‘let’s see the game out and take nil-nil’.

With eleven v eleven we were attacking and we would have every chance of getting that fifth win away from home in a row.

It looked like Freddie Piquionne was pulled down in the box as he went through but it is more about the chances we have missed. Freddie had a free header on the far post, there was a great header from James Tomkins that Papa Bouba Diop didn’t convert.

If we had scored, Reading would have found it difficult, but we went down to ten men, gifted them the goal and made it easy for them.

Players have to keep their cool whatever is happening. They know that if a team beats us it is going to be like they have won their biggest game of the season. It is a loss of control that I haven’t seen in my time at the club.

We have lost two to suspension and with Guy Demel’s injury after two minutes, it means we are short on numbers for Barnsley next week. The challenge is to come back…..” (Boo Hoo, football’s rubbish)

On 20th December there was “a fantastic win against Barnsley in front of a sold-out stadium on Saturday”  but……

”We had injuries and suspensions before we started and when we did start, Abdoulaye Faye pulled up in the warm-up meaning we had to give Daniel Potts his debut at the age of 17……………..The squad situation went from bad to worse to desperate but we still won the game and won well. We should have scored more than Papa Bouba Diop’s header but the major decisions did not go our way………………It was a great debut from Pottsy, really very good defensively and in possession…………It is great to see a man of such young potential, a local boy who has had a massive trauma in his life with overcoming leukaemia. All credit to him as a 17-year-old for withstanding the pressure in such an important game.…….There were a lot of massive contributions from a squad that is being stretched to its very limit and we still managed to come up with a victory.” (Boo Hoo, Football’s rubbish)

On 28th December Sam told me he was “happy overall”  but ……

“..not with the last four games. We have only taken four points which is nonsense compared to what we have done and it tells you we have to go and win three or four on the trot now………………..We have got to put a run of wins together to get back in touch with Southampton and not let the gap get too big.………. ……I have been pretty critical to a patched-up team which has been patched up for a long time now. We have got a 17-year-old at left-back away from home for the first time while George McCartney was playing centre-half. …………… The loss of four players to suspension for Derby on New Year’s Eve is a massive blow.” (Boo Hoo, woe is me – Have you stopped and thought why the players were suspended?) 

On the 3rd of January Big Sam was “optimistic for 2012” but …..

“it was a shame that we could not get more goals than the one we did.” ……….……. In an ideal world, I will bring in two new players this month – a forward and a defender – because we only have five subs and we have to rotate the squad. Two quality players would be great. Maybe we will go for a wide player as well……………….We have already started the process of bidding but without any success at the moment, either permanent or loan deals. The co-owners Mr Sullivan and Mr Gold have pressed the button on a lot of potential deals already……………………..I can’t be more pleased with the way they have supported me. More goals is what we are after but we haven’t managed to clinch one yet………………. I am optimistic for 2012. My hope is we can get the players in the squad fit and have a full squad to choose from. That would give me the opportunity to pick the best eleven for each game rather than just who is available…….. (Boo Hoo, woe is me)

On January 9th  “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams” wanted me to “look forward‏” with hope but……

“……..Where we are in our position is to look at the squad and say ‘Are we going to take enough chances with the squad that we’ve got?’…………………We’ve already made offers for six or seven players that have been unsuccessful, but we’ll carry on trying as hard and as efficiently as we can to ensure that we acquire a new player if that’s at all possible………………………. But I will only buy a player who I think can make us better.” (Boo hoo, the world’s against me!!)

You can see the problem with “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams”’ ‘s take on football. He has a squad of 32 players to choose from, he’s a self-proclaimed managerial genius, he’s a wonderful tactician yet this is still not enough for success – see how he casually drop hints about needing extra players. The fact that he’s already got his excuses ready for a potential  lack of success highlights what a negative bastard he is. He reduces football to a series of grumbles. He’s the avatar of what’s wrong with football; the lack of calm acceptance.

In the Championship there are two automatic promotion places available and to any normal person if your club remain in one of those two places it will be good enough for promotion. This is not enough for “BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams”. I hope he doesn’t transmit negative waves over to the players as they’ll never get promoted

I presume that West Ham are still bombarding people with e-mails to get people interested in West Ham. I’m not sure how succesful they’ll be if they’re going to subject people to a  litany of moans

BIG SAM – the biggest of all Sams”   doesn’t seem to get much enjoyment out of football, why does he bother? I’ll send him an e-mail to ask him why.

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