If you want to get ahead, get a hat

24 10 2011
Bangor City 2 Neath 1
Welsh Premier League
22/10/11

Consider the bobble hat, the normal, common or garden woolly bobble hat. Like all clothes it remains where you last placed it, waiting to be used, pregnant with possibilities. It could endow you with a sense of elan, a bit of panache, a dash of dash, it could even make passers-by swoon at your stylish example or it could  just make you feel warmer.

Normally it’s the magic of film that awards clothes special powers. I don’t know about you but I’ve never owned anything that would enable me to fly or disappear or speak mandarin. Saturday’s events prove that situation has now changed, now I possess a magic hat. 

In the light of that statement consider this bobble hat;

At first glance it’s an unassuming bobble hat, retro styled but unassuming, an unassuming gift. Well this hat has magical powers. I kid you not, it actually does.

Now I know what you’re thinking, this is just another football fan claiming that they have enchanted underpants or a lucky vest. I’ll bet you think I’m just like one of those twattish talking heads from the telly; ” Whoever invented clothes  is quite literally a genius ……… Don’t you hate people who like “Books”, I mean what are books about?”. I can assure that I’m not one of these malodourous tossers.

I am being perfectly serious when I say I have a proper magic hat, with proper magic powers. I mean it. I know what you’re going to say now. “Didn’t you say that your 1986 Argentina away shirt had magical powers before the Llanelli match but Llanelli won so that shows you were very wrong” Well no, that wasn’t a magic shirt. What I’m talking about now is a piece of clothing with genuine magic powers. Behold the evidence;

The first half. I was surrounded by annoying people. When I say this I obviously don’t mean the people who normally stand near me for they are “sound”, I’m talking about really annoying people. I do wish these people wouldn’t drink before matches. I certainly wish that they wouldn’t drink on the terraces. I definitely wish they wouldn’t roll their empty beer bottles and waft their smoke in my direction. I’d state categorically that they shouldn’t put their small offspring  upon their shoulders.

These people are never the happy drunks, are they are always the  incoherent and rambling drunks, the drunks that laugh at their own risible  jokes, the drunks where  aggression bubbles just under the grip on your elbow. One of Saturday’s drunks liked beating his chest for no discernable reason. When he was chanting incoherently, he was shouting incoherently at the referee for perceived slights upon his sense of fair play. The apogee of his behaviour was getting up on the fence to berate the keeper for having the audacity to take goal kicks. He was more than embarrassing. The cameras were there but this gibbering fool didn’t care. As scousers might say, he was a bit of a whopper.

Then there was the football, it’s probably best we don’t talk about that as it was almost turgid. Neath went in front and could have scored a few more. A mixture of woodwork, Idzi and a bit of luck combined to restrict Neath to one goal. Bangor on the other hand were rather subdued. We had a go but there wasn’t much precision. Well I say had a go but it was abject, abject stuff. We couldn’t even get the ball to clear the first man at corners, abject, abject, abject. Or at least this is how I remember it.

At half time, the weather seemed to become colder. As I walked around the ground I noticed a definite chill in the air. Luckily I had the aforementioned hat with me. I put the hat on. Things began to change, things began to happen!!!!

2nd Half. Bangor made a half-time substitution. Bangor managed to string a few passes together and we  had shots as well. As Mike Smith saw it;  “On 51 mins the odious Morgan left the field with Garyn Preen coming on for the little showman whose blatant gamemanship had vexed the mainstand faithful.” It was starting to go our way, my hat was working!!!!

Not only did we win more corners in the second half they actually reached the centre of the area. My hat was working!!! Neath’s keeper was playing well unfortunately. Then Sion and Walshy came on and this is usually a sign of good things to come. The Neath defence became visibly nervous so resorted to manhandling Sion to the floor. The next prominent moment was owned by Brewie, but his free header nearly hit me. We were getting closer, the moment of glory was almost upon us. One of the drunks was thrown out. My hat was working!!!

Then we swore the moment  was upon us, a good move resulted in Sion crossing the ball from the left wing, we thought the moment was there as the ball sped across the area. When the ball left the six yard area without a touch……. the sighs, oh the sighs!!! Curses!!! My hat was still working!!!

Then the moment did  arrive, before we had time to absorb and reflect on the enormity of the missed chance, the ball was in the air on the edge of the six yard box and Peter Hoy Football Genius was running towards it. Peter Hoy Football Genius met the ball with his head and the ball was in the goal. What a moment!!!!! What a hero!!! As he ran off, we ran around the around in paroxysms of  joy. My hat had worked!!!!

Unfortunately Neath’s keeper appeared to be very injured. Dylan, Alwyn and I speculated that he must have collided with a post. He had to leave the pitch. That’s the problem with injured keepers, they are usually injured in a painful, and usually serious, way. As an associate member of the goalkeepers’ union I wished him a speedy recovery. We clapped him off. Unfortunately the keeper wasn’t wearing my hat but my hat hadn’t finished working.

Les missed a great chance but we shouldn’t have worried, Neath had a couple of chances but we shouldn’t have worried. We shouldn’t have worried because my magic hat was working its magic. In what was surely the last of the six injury time minutes, somehow the ball was near the Neath goal again. Somehow Bully had a shot, somehow it went in of the underside of the crossbar. We won, we won and it was all due to my hat.

Yes my hat had won the day!!!! Now Bangor City had a new hero!!!

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