I’d like to nail the internet shut!

12 09 2011

It’s amazing what comes your way over the internet. Last week I received the following  message from the facebook group I didn’t know  I’d joined;

“…and why are we remotely worried about Bale? The fact is we have eleven if not twenty players of his standard. Wales should be worried about everyone of our line up, FFs Bale isn’t even Ashley young…
 
It really annoys me when decent Premiership men get lauded as if their home country has a team of them. Benayoun isn’t a threat on his own, neither is Malouda or Adebayor so why should England change tactics to accommodate for this. Just let the opposition worry about you!”
 
Part of me would just love to be like him. I’d just love to think “Yes we’re England, ENG-ER-LAND THE LAND WHAT GAVE THE WORLD FOOTY. YES I’M AND ENGLISHMAN FROM ENGLAND THE PLACE WHAT WIN THE ONLY WORLD CUP WHAT MATTERS IN 1966. THE TIME WHAT WHEN JULES RIMET GLEAMED, POLISHED BY THE PURE ENGLISH SWEAT FROM PURE ENGLISH PEOPLE.”
 
 I’d love to be unaware that other countries play football. I’d love to suddenly find out that Germany, Italy, Brazil, France, Spain and Argentina have all won the world cup since England managed the feat. I’d love Stephen Fry to tell me that Holland, Sweden, Croatia, South Korea, Turkey, the Czech Republic, Portugal, Greece, Russia, Bulgaria and Uruguay have all matched England’s post 1966 record of reaching the semi finals of a major tournament. I’d love to be unaware that England have been losing to foreign teams at home since 1953.
 
Well I say I’d love to think like that but that’s probably just the lack of sleep talking.
 
In case you’re wondering I’m not going to leave the facebook group I wasn’t aware I’d joined because it gives me a daily realisation that I’m not the stupidest fan in the room. I’d actually recommend that you join facebook just so you can join the group and feel better about yourself. The group’s called “Footballin’ell” by the way
 
Reading the half-arsed opinions of hype-obsessed cretins helps to take my mind off all the other disturbing e-mails I receive. For example on September 1st West Ham made me an offer I thought might be unable to refuse.  The e-mail was tantalisingly entitled;

“Jet Set, Your invitation to meet Big Sam‏”

I greedily opened the e-mail, look at what I was offered!!!;

All that I had to do to join the glitterati in the luxurious Champagne bar after the West Ham v Portsmouth match was hand over 99 pounds sterling.

I looked more closely at my exclusive invitation, I wouldn’t just be able to hob nob with Sam, Kev, Ray Winstone, the Kray Twins and Mark Fowler. I’d be able to have a glass of champagne, a seafood buffet lunch and VIP Director’s box seating as well. I’d also have to pay VAT. I declined the invitation.

I suppose the invitation was my fault really. As you no doubt already know, about 5 weeks ago I bought one of West Ham’s tickets. At the same time I stupidly told them my e-mail address. On September 5th the ‘appy ‘ammers sent me another, more enticing, invitation to the Portsmouth match;

“Jet Set, your invitation to meet Skipper Kevin Nolan”‏

I scanned the e-mail, I was so excited all I cared about was that I had another chance to see the Portsmouth match!!! They told me that this time I could watch the match in a very affordable way and I’d get to meet Kev in person. Then I read the e-mail more closely;

Don’t miss the interview with skipper Kevin Nolan (questions asked by Phil Parkes) in the Legends Lounge after the Portsmouth game. For just £59 plus VAT you can enjoy

  • Traditional Fish and chips
  • Exclusive bar access
  • Free matchday programme
  • And much more..

Plus of course the chance to see Big Sam’s 12 summer signings from the comfort of your VIP padded seat. So why not take the opportunity to sample the best the Boleyn has to offer at this incredible affordable rate for West Ham United v Portsmouth, Saturday 10 September 3pm

Jesus I wouldn’t even get to hold Kev’s gaze as he explained how he’d errrrrrrrr……..obviously love if his errrrrrrrrrrrr ….. side were promoted,  like errrrrrrrrrrr …. he said.

I wouldn’t see the twinkle in his eyes as his gaze met mine across a crowded polystyrene tray.  I’d have to listen to Phil Parkes instead. I’d have to listen to him ask questions whilst Kev shot furtive glances at his watch, wondering whether Red or Black would win when he got in.

Without the chance to gaze into Kevin’s eyes and see his soul I declined the very generous offer that would allow me to watch football on a VIP padded seat at the “ incredible rate” of 59 quid (plus vat).

I can’t wait for the next tempting e-mail from the ‘ammers; the prestigious match ticket featuring the use of a luxury plastic seat, the pre-match sausage roll with Frank McAvennie (sauce optional), the use of the deluxe urinals. I wait with bated breath to be offered it all at the bargain price of 55 quid (plus VAT).

It’s a shame you can’t nail the internet shut.

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