The Jet Set’s Christmas message

25 12 2010

In case you’re unaware Christmas is with us. Our finely tuned cultural antenna first noticed that Christmas was near during the last week; adverts of a certain style interrupted our all-day sessions of watching ITV4.

The adverts were mostly for sofas and fragrances, as if advertisers were trying to tell the British people that we all smell funny. You have to hand to these advertisers and the power they wield. 65 years ago Hugo Boss and his company were making uniforms for the Nazis, now they’re trying making us smell better. 65 years ago IBM were trying to build a smarter planet by building counting machines for the holocaust.

Football came into this farrago when we noticed an advert for a computer game that featured the well-known millionaire gentleman footballer Sir Wayne Rooney. In the advert the advertisers would have us believe that Sir Wayne and a host of other millionaires actually spend their free time playing a computer game as animated versions of themselves.

So while the rest of us play computer games to escape from reality footballers are so narcissistic that they play as themselves. Footballers of the level featured on the advert play in the champions league, a competition usually sold to us as  fantasy football, as part of their day jobs. They do the tricks and show the skills  on which these games are based. Surely no player is so narcissistic, or devoid of imagination, that they want to do this kind of thing in their spare time? Yet the advertisers will try to con us that they do this. Why ad execs, why? 

On the subject of players and advertising the Jet Set has noticed a problem – footballers are just too serious. Whenever you see footballers advertising something it usually involves them adopting their serious face and the stance of power, as if they were the reincarnation of Henry the 8th or something. 

Behold the virus of seriousness;

The virus afflicts whole squads as well, look at Barca;

The virus cuts across gender and age as well.

As for the TV programmes, take these titles of Match of the Day a couple of seasons ago as an example.

Maybe it’s the strain of top level football, they do tell us it matters more than life itself. “Clubs like Plymouth Argyle” go for a different approach, but remember “clubs like Plymouth Argyle” are outside the super human premier league.

 To see how seriously this virus has infected top level football one Newcastle player tried a cheerful approach in 2009………

……….he wasn’t asked back in 2010.

Therefore our advice to miserable premier league millionaires (and twatty ad execs) is; Fight the virus and CHEER UP YOU BUNCH OF MISERABLE BASTARDS, FOOTBALL CAN BE FUN!!!

Your world is fast approaching this Fry and Laurie sketch, BEWARE!!!!!;




One response

21 08 2014

[…] football had listened to the Jet Set’s Christmas Message in 2010 it wouldn’t be suffering from po-faced arrogance. If they had listened to us football […]

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