An Announcement

4 10 2010

They say the  ripples are still being felt hours afterwards, this transcript  is taken from this afternoon’s shock Press Conference.

Gareth Corkhill (head of Jet Set Public Relations)“Thank you for coming at such short notice gentleman. There now follows a short statement, there will be no questions. Over to Comrade Kowalski.” 

Comrade Kowalski“The Llandudno Jet Set has retired from International Football. This decision is effective from 4:45 NWT (North Wales Time) today (4th of October).

We have not taken this decision lightly but we feel that our position has gradually become untenable, in fact we feel that our position has become so untenable that we no longer wish to be considered for international duty. Actually we feel so strongly that we’d like our record to be expunged from Welsh football history.

There have been a number of factors behind this terrible decision.

Firstly, the FAW, in their infinite syphilitic incompetence, have decided to play our home matches on Fridays.. This was a decision  unencumbered by moral rectitude. 

We feel that the expense account mafioso ruling Welsh football have no feeling for the ordinary man in the street. The only contact they deign to have with the like of us is when they require the use of a proletarian back as an exit step from their Sedan Chairs, well you can’t expect them to soil their satin pumps can you?

Last week, we suffered our first hammer blow when the mandarins nailed an announcement to the outer doors of  their Ivory Tower, situated in the middle of a Cardiff business park. They announced that Wales would be playing  in the so-called “Carling Cup”. In effect Wales have been reduced to playing in a competition for football clubs, yes CLUBS. The Mandarins are looking forward to our beloved national team securing a narrow win over Wycombe, followed by confident performance over Bolton before a few more games and the promise of a mythical trip to Wembley. In short they think we’re Aston Villa.

If this humiliation wasn’t enough, when have they decided to play the three matches in this competition? Yes you’ve guessed it, the first match is a week before the Jet Set is due to have one of its scheduled weeks off and the other two matches are scheduled to be played in the week before another scheduled Jet Set week off. 

Another hammer blow befell us later that week;  the spectre of Savage returned. He took time off from thoughts about tattooing his body with the logos of luxury goods only his exulted kind can buy to phone Brian Flynn, Welsh Football’s new can carrier. Robbie bach  announced that he was now available to play with players he used consider unworthy of washing his car.

We  just thought Robbie bach, Robbie Bach,  can you honestly  say that 6-0-6 has progressed during your tenure, you asked us to judge you after 3 weeks. Can you honestly say that you’re closer to a Sony broadcasting award? Don’t forget that Robbie Savage was the man who told the Jet Set to put Mayonnaise on our chips when we saw each other in Stringfellows. Mayonnaise on chips, I ask you!

Yesterday’s experience  was the final straw. The Jet Set liked the cut of the new Umbro polo shirts so we went to the Llandudno branch of the FAW’s official merchandise hawker, JJB Sport.  We looked and we looked and we looked but we couldn’t see the fabled garments.

We saw racks of Welsh rugby clobber just in time for March, the traditional time that drunks  remember they’re Welsh. Would our quarry be near them? Well no, but if we wanted a rugby undershirt, modelled by the likes of Gavin Henson, we could have one of those for £40. We saw Manchester United shirts, we saw Liverpool shirts, even bald morons could buy their Chelsea shirts but there were no Wales polos. We couldn’t see any Wales shirts either. Then I saw a stripy sock, the Wales shirts were submerged under the England football shirts. There we no polo shirts hiding.

So the FA of Wales don’t want us to go to home games, they don’t want us to go to away games and they don’t want us to wear their merchandise. Well we don’t want them either, ta ra!

That’s all we have to say. Thank You.”

Gareth Corkhill “There will be no questions gentleman, I’m sure you will understand that Comrade Kowalski would like to return to the bosom of his family at this difficult time. Thank You and Good Evening”

So there you have it, history in t………….




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