It’s coming, it’s coming!!!!!!

If the aisle displays in Somerfield are anything to go by the World Cup is fast approaching. Your local neighbourhood Spar (other convenience shops are available) is in the spirit too; 

TV is at it too.  A new law means that all adverts must feature football, the many extra-terrestrial viewers need to know that humans organise an international football tournament. We’ve had football adverts for Tesco, football adverts for the Ninentendo WII, football adverts for TV sets, football adverts for beer, football adverts for bars of chocolate, football adverts for stairlifts. Based on these works of genius the extra-terrestrial would not only become aware of the World Cup they would be able to work out inalienable truths of human existence – 99% of the population paint their faces, England always go out on penalties and men like to shout.

To cut a long story short, the PR industry has ruined yet another part of our culture. First it was Christmas, then it was Easter, then “Graduation from School Day” now it’s the World Cup. Another of our special times, when thoughts turn to higher matters, has been sullied by the base idea of making money. How else can one explain “Have a Happy World Cup” greetings cards? (they’re usually next to the “Have a Great High School Prom” ones in case you’re wondering).

On top of their desecration, the advertisers usual attention to detail has been carelessly absent. Take the Wii advert for example, who the hell throws a “World Cup Party”? The Llandudno Jet Set has certainly never hosted, or even attended, such a social event, and we’ve been wined and dined by the finest hosts in civilisation and Colwyn Bay. 

Anyway, let’s try to run with the joyousness of the vision……………Wait a minute, there’s another bone to pick – If you were to have this mythical “World Cup Party”, why would you make a computer games console the centrepiece of it? It’s not any old games console either it’s the most judgemental of games consoles, the one that tells you things like; “You are officially obese”. What kind of host embarrasses their guests like that? Could it be the most cravenly ill-mannered consumer stereotype propagated by the advertising industry? Surely not.

The Sky TV advert brings you dystopia. You are transported to a post-apocalyptic world  where Football has left people bereft of basic social skills. (What do you mean you don’t recognise this, it happens every 2 years!!!) It’s all very realistic until they show the part that’s meant to be set in Wales. Picture the scene……You are literally in the Pub with the rest of them, the voiceover booms out;

“Thousands hoping for anyone but England…”

How do you know it’s a Welsh Pub? It’s quite simple, one of the customers is wearing a Welsh Rugby shirt!!! (He’s obviously a bit of a skinflint though, it’s one of the cheap replicas you can buy in sports warehouses/shops.). If they had come to the Jet Set first we could have spared them this sociological inaccuracy. Welsh people do not gather in pubs in large groups to cheer on whoever is playing England. We stay at home, shouting at the TV whilst gently nursing the chips on our shoulders and muttering about Saxon imperialism.

During the next 6 weeks, let’s spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves. Let’s think about those who can’t abide football. Just think about it for a moment, how bad must they feel when every area of public life seems to have been colonised by football. In fact, whilst writing this piece the next 6 weeks has begun to feel like a road across an American prairie, the horizon tantalisingly in sight but miles away. Will we make it with our sanity intact?

Meanwhile, in the parallel universe of advertising…..

“….people that don’t like football? How can they not take an interest in the beautiful game? How can they not worry about the chances of our boys like the rest of us…..These people make me sick. If dey don’t like footy why don’t they bugger to a cahntry that’s naaaa good, yeah why don’t they go to Scotland! Haaaa, Haaaa, Haaaa, Bosche,!!!! Get dur beers in mate, awwwrtight Steeeve mate!!!! Fancy a Pint? currrrr mon ING ERRRRRRRR LAND!!”

So, what’s nicer? Reality or Adverts?