Running with the wrong crew

26 02 2009

Llandudno, the Queen of Resorts, has been besieged by a spate of Juvenile Delinquency. In an attempt to explain the problems everyone has their theory; “Disgusted of Craig-Y-Don” blames the lack of national service. “Outraged of West Shore” blames immigrants from Conwy, Save Our Scenery blames the impending Wind Farm.

In an effort to understand the problem Llandudno’s premier TV Channel, the Llandudno Broadcasting Corporation, sent their intrepid reporter to interview the leading members of Llandudno FC’s notorious firm; the “Dudno Death Squad” (DDS). Here is a transcript of the interview.

“(Cue panning panoramic shot of Llandudno Bay)

(Voiceover from Interviewer over footage): “Llandudno has always been “The Queen of Welsh Resorts” but now…

(Pull out to see Interviewer standing by Camera Obscura, interviewer adopts judgemental tone)

“…..something is rotten. The Dudno Death Squad have been running amok”

(Cut to Interviewer interviewing DDS’S “Top Boy”  Johnny X – Pixelated for anonymity)

Interviewer: “So, how do you feel about being singled out by people regarding the recent trouble in Llandudno?”

Top Boy: “Well we can’t do much about what people think but it’s sound that we’ve got a rep, like.”

Interviewer: “Do you feel in any way shameful about what’s happened”

Top Boy: “Nah mate, it’s sound”

Interviewer: “Could you tell us about some of the incidents you’ve been involved with?”

Top Boy: “We don’t like our end to be taken so we try to defend the honour of our town. We’ve seen ’em all off. Denbigh, Holyhead, Flint. The naughtiest firm we’ve come up against was Lex 11, respect to them, they went toe to toe and didn’t give it toes, big respect. Most firms give it the big one, all mouth. They arrange an off and don’t show. It’s up to them to meet us, we’re the top boys around here. The most fun we’ve had has been in away games”

Interviewer: “Could you give us a few examples?”

Top Boy:” There was one good tear up I can tell you about. We were away at Mynydd Isa. We had good numbers, all 6 of us had turned up. We started to chant about them being interbreeding mongs and living in slums. They didn’t like this obviously, and we faced off. They charged us but we held our ground. Then we charged them and we ran ’em. The Interbreeders gave it toes. We’d taken their end and we were kings!!”

Interviewer: “A few people don’t seem to fear you…”

Top Boy: “What you talking about, who doesn’t fear us? You’re joking!”

Interviewer: “Well some people we’ve spoken to have said that you’re not proper hooligans, you’re just kids who’ve just watched Green Street and the Football Factory a lot. They say that you’ve just copied the phrases in it”

Top Boy: “That’s bollocks. Yes we have watched them a lot of times but they’re good films. We’ve read all the Hooli-books too. My favourite is “Running with the Really Naughty Crew” by Yeovil’s top boy, it’s so life like. Anyway you shouldn’t listen to other people, the Interbreeders have been chatting shit on the internet about us. They’re just jealous of us, jealous of our reputation as North Wales’ finest. How can you say we’re not proper hooligans? Look at our clothes, we’re proper casuals.”

Interviewer: “What do you mean by “Casuals” “?

Top Boy;They’re just boys that like dressing for matches. Look at our labels, top notch clobber; McKenzie, Carlotti, Nike, Regatta. We were the first dressers in North Wales, everyone is jealous so they start rumours. The thing about casuals is that you’ve got to be one step ahead; We’ve heard about this clobber called “Rock Island” or something, it’s dead hard to get and we’ll be the first to wear this in North Wales, you’ve got to stay ahead”

(Cut to Interviewer standing by Camera Obscura, interviewer adopts judgemental tone): There you have it, unrepentant and unashamed. The Dudno Death Squad.

Now you may have been hearing a lot about Goats breaking and entering into gardens, here’s Derek Smalls with a report…”




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