Let’s build an Anderson Shelter dear.

24 10 2008

The fame of the Llandudno Jet Set is spreading far and wide. We have received the following e-mail from a well known person.

“Hello Old Man

I am Daniel Dyer, the thespian of world renown, at your service. One realises that the opening tone of this message may appear a touch incongruous. One now realises that one should have started this electronic communication with “Alright Geezer”. Unfortunately one hasn’t been in character for 18 months so It’s difficult to retain the authenticity, the essence, the truth.

Sorry love I appear to be rambling. I’m writing you this electronic-mail as I would like you to ask your “mob” if it’s ok to film the action on Saturday, the off-field activities of course!!

My “crew” and I have heard on the “grapevine “ that there’ll be some “top boys” and some “right nutters“ in attendence at Bangor City’s next match of Association Football. In other words we’ve heard through nefarious sources that a “right moody firm of naughty geezers“ (It‘s all coming back to me now!!!) will be there.

I know what you’re thinking, who is this guy and why is he talking about football? Well one can assure you that one has been a fan of Soccer (you’ll have to forgive one, it’s what we used to call it at Eton) ever since my days at RADA. I had to shadow Hugh Grant once and apart from providing me with fabulous tips, tips that I have used to great effect ever since, he introduced me to the world of footy. Whilst one shadowed Mr. Grant he happened to be researching a role. It was a role for a film whose name escapes me but the nature of the role will never escape one though; Mr. Grant had to research the role of a “Hooligan General”.

When Mr. Grant first asked me to go “daahhn duh Cottttige” I wasn’t convinced but I accepted as I didn’t want to upset him. From the moment I entered The Cottage I was intoxicated; the ferentic pace, the cut and and thrust of the play, the tackles, the passes, the misses, oh the misses, the masculinity of it all was seductive. Then I noticed it all the labels, Burburry, Aquascutum, Armani, who knew that Hooligans would shop on  Bond Street? We saw our first “off”, as one now calls it, here. You should have seen it, Cucumber sandwiches and crystal were scattered everywhere. That Egyption shop owner is a “right tasty geezer”, I’d picked up the “lingo” by this stage. After this I never missed a game at the cottage, once every six moths I was there, rain or shine.

Sorry for rambling again love but when I start “talking footy” I can’t stop, well how can one ever stop thinking about one’s first true love? Let us return to the matter at hand. We require need some some “top action” for post production. We need some footage that’s good enough for one as though one is “right out me manor!!” on the voiceover. Yes that’s right, voiceover!! One is terribly sorry to admit but one won’t be in attendance on Saturday.

One will be busy rehearsing for the lead role in “Jack Charlton; The Musical”. Musical theatre is one’s first love and one simply doesn’t turn down an extended run in Loughborough, terribly sorry.

If you can help that would be marvellous, if you can’t not to worry, we’ll use CGI.

Yours Sincerely

Daniel Dyer esq.
(Chief Executive, Proper Naughty Productions)”

There you have it, conclusive proof that a hooligan war is brewing on our doorstep. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

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