It came to me in a dream

19 02 2008
Everybody and their third cousin knows that our beloved Premiership has reached saturation point in this market, or country as it used to be known. Because we want “our” clubs to prosper we know that it’s imperative that they branch out in search of new markets.
We all know this because we appreciate that it‘s vital they attempt to generate more income than a small country. We all know that the future of human civilisation rests on all of “our” clubs becoming major players on to the world stage. The logic behind all of this is undeniable, I mean how will Derby County and Portsmouth cope in future when the only things they have to rely on are the markets of Derby and Portsmouth. They need to expand!!!!
However, I don’t know whether we’ve realised the potential dangers in the move highlighted by the Premier League a couple of weeks ago. I’ve had a revelation!!! Let’s all imagine the clubs play once in their new location and like it so much that they decide to visit again and again. This location will then become a base, a second home.
After so long in the backwaters of world history, their new base finds all of their new-found attention to be absolutely fantastic. (Visit Cairo and watch Blackburn Rovers, don’t forget to visit the pyramids on the way home) They find it so fantastic that incentives are offered to encourage the clubs to stay. The chief execs like these overtures so much they decide to accept them. The new location seems to have bought into the vision of these visionaries. “Our” clubs now also become “their” clubs as well.
Over time the clubs prefer their new location to their old one, “Oh my god you should see it. The location is absolutely perfect. There are at least 200 days of sun. And the tax incentives, well all I’ll say is Tax, schmax!!!!” The CEOs, or chairmen as they used to be known, decide to relocate the clubs. They like their new home, all goes swimmingly; The natives adopt the team, David Bentley, Steven Warnock and Brad Friedel become world reknowed personalities.
However after a couple of years thorns appear in their new rose garden. The inhabitents of their old areas begin to make unsatisified noises as some fans begin to remember that they once went to football matches. To quell the unrest and to prove that they haven’t forgotten their old core support, their bread and butter, the clubs begin to play exhibition games in their old locations.
Meanwhile a few more years passes and the clubs have saturated their second base. They move into the hinterland, to maximise revenue streams and civilise the savages. The race for territory intensifies as every two-bit world statesmen, or CEOs as they used to be known, wants a piece of the action. The clubs become hostile. The blood lust of the statesmen cannot be satisfied within the forum of football so an arms race begins. Sabre-rattling, mainly through tabloid exclusives, inflames passions.
Before we know it these superpowers are using brinkmanship. Final attempts to prevent escalation through mediation fail as arguments over market share cannot be settled. The phoney war becomes a real war. It soon becomes an attritional conflict. After a few months even behemoths such as the Johannesburg Giants (formerly Fulham) and the Saskatchewan Colossuses (formerly Wigan) struggle to cope. An alliance system becomes the only way forward. The alliances crystallise around the five most powerful franchises. The situation gradually evolves into a perpetual conflict between these franchises for the rest of human history.
If you want a vision of the future imagine John Terry’s foot stamping on a human face for eternity.



One response

25 02 2008
cheap football boots

id hate john terry to stamp on my face

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