The red faced lamentation ejaculated by defeated managers is one of the top four clichés of 21st century football. Every post match interview respirates in an edible atmosphere of angry dissatisfaction;”It changed the game beyond all recognition it did blah blah di blah.”.
We should ask why people are so offended by the vicissitudes of what obviously never should have happened but you can’t fight the tide, the easily led have accepted personally aggrieved dissatisfaction as football’s default personality setting. FACT! End of. FACT! LOL. FACT!
However we must fightback, for a laugh let’s start to view the lamentation with a “sideways glance”. When we view the angry ejaculations from this angle we can begin to argue that managers use them to cut through humdrum thoughts with the scalpel of analytical insight. Let’s look at things with a “sideways glance” to research whether this hypothesis is correct or not.
Let’s look at the situation where what happened happened. It all starts with a match between Melchester Rovers and Neasden that was finely poised at 1-0 to Neasden.
Now let’s say that one of those trademarked “debatable penalties” was awarded to Melchester. Naturally Roy Race scored with a short range rocket. The crowd went wild, as did Neasden’s ashen-faced manager. Result 1-1.
Needless to say there was an ocean of apoplectic difference between the wild feelings. After the match the strangely apoplectic ashen faced manager Ron Knee rolled out the immortal words “The game changed because of the penalty!!! The penalty what was given was never a penalty”
Let’s test Ron’s hypothesis with scientific deductive logic. Let’s imagine that the penalty what had been given was never given.
It was still 1-0 to Neasden and in this state of affairs, with all things being equal, it’s fair to say that because something had gone their way Neasden would heave a psychological sigh of relief and relax.
What if they relaxed so much they forgot their defensive roles for a split second?
Let’s say their two banks of four failed because they failed to anticipate the fall in the market value of their footballing liabilities.
Let’s say they allowed an unimpeded Blackie Grey to run through their relaxed defence.
Let’s say Neadsen’ redoubtable captain reacted slightly too slowly to the passing Blackie and “kicked him up in the air” in the box………….Another penalty is awarded.
Melchester, rather obviously, score. This is stone cold scientific proof that the match would still have ended 1-1. Result 1-1.
We’re not finished yet however, we must respect scientific rigour and consider all possibilities. Let’s consider the possibility that the second penalty wasn’t awarded either.
In the lack of another possible penalty event Neasden are still leading 1-0. However Neasden will feel even more jittery due to surviving another possible penalty event, consequently their defence won’t feel comfortable at all, consequently they will make mistakes, consequently they will let Roy Race score an equaliser from a sloppily conceded free kick. Result 1-1. The match would still have ended 1-1!
Yeah but what if that didn’t happen? Let’s see what happened if the referee had waved play on from the possible free kick event.
Firstly, Blackie Grey would earn a booking for calling the referee’s judgement into question. Secondly, the jittery Neasden defence would still feel pressurised, even though their attackers have a couple of shots, consequently the jittery defence allowed Johnny “The Hard Man” Dexter to equalise. Result 1-1. The match would still have ended 1-1!
Yeah, but what if Johnny “The Hard Man” Dexter’s shot had hit the post?
The jittery defence would feel their jitteriness go up to eleven, they would know that they couldn’t hold out. Even though they were able to clear a few chances, and even though one of these clearances turned in to a through ball for their attackers, the defence wouldn’t be able to relax. Eventually a clumsy attempt at a “clearance” would find it’s way to the dancing feet of Roy Race. Naturally, Racey would curl the ball in to the corner of the net. Result 1-1. The match would still have ended 1-1!
What’s the moral of this undeniably scientific proof?
It’s simple; it doesn’t matter what you do there are times when you’re just not meant to win a football match, especially if you’re Sam Allardyce.