“It’s a conspiracy I tells ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

27 11 2014

The red faced lamentation ejaculated by defeated managers is one of the top four clichés of 21st century football. Every post match interview respirates in an edible atmosphere of angry dissatisfaction;”It changed the game beyond all recognition it did blah blah di blah.”.

We should ask why people are so offended by the vicissitudes of what obviously never should have happened but you can’t fight the tide, the easily led have accepted personally aggrieved dissatisfaction as football’s default personality setting. FACT! End of. FACT! LOL. FACT!

However we must fightback, for a laugh let’s start to view the lamentation with a “sideways glance”. When we view the angry ejaculations from this angle we can begin to argue that managers use them to cut through humdrum thoughts with the scalpel of analytical insight. Let’s look at things with a “sideways glance” to research whether this hypothesis is correct or not.

Let’s look at the situation where what happened happened. It all starts with a match between Melchester Rovers and Neasden that was finely poised at 1-0 to Neasden.

Now let’s say that one of those trademarked “debatable penalties” was awarded to Melchester. Naturally Roy Race scored with a short range rocket. The crowd went wild, as did Neasden’s ashen-faced manager. Result 1-1.

Needless to say there was an ocean of apoplectic difference between the wild feelings. After the match the strangely apoplectic ashen faced manager Ron Knee rolled out the immortal words “The game changed because of the penalty!!! The penalty what was given was never a penalty”

Let’s test Ron’s hypothesis with scientific deductive logic. Let’s imagine that the penalty what had been given was never given.

It was still 1-0 to Neasden and in this state of affairs, with all things being equal, it’s fair to say that because something had gone their way Neasden would heave a psychological sigh of relief and relax.

What if they relaxed so much they forgot their defensive roles for a split second?

Let’s say their two banks of four failed because they failed to anticipate the fall in the market value of their footballing liabilities.

Let’s say they allowed an unimpeded Blackie Grey to run through their relaxed defence.

Let’s say Neadsen’ redoubtable captain reacted slightly too slowly to the passing Blackie and “kicked him up in the air” in the box………….Another penalty is awarded.

Melchester, rather obviously, score. This is stone cold scientific proof that the match would still have ended 1-1. Result 1-1.

We’re not finished yet however, we must respect scientific rigour and consider all possibilities. Let’s consider the possibility that the second penalty wasn’t awarded either.

In the lack of another possible penalty event Neasden are still leading 1-0. However Neasden will feel even more jittery due to surviving another possible penalty event, consequently their defence won’t feel comfortable at all, consequently they will make mistakes, consequently they will let Roy Race score an equaliser from a sloppily conceded free kick. Result 1-1. The match would still have ended 1-1!

Yeah but what if that didn’t happen? Let’s see what happened if the referee had waved play on from the possible free kick event.

Firstly, Blackie Grey would earn a booking for calling the referee’s judgement into question. Secondly, the jittery Neasden defence would still feel pressurised, even though their attackers have a couple of shots, consequently the jittery defence allowed Johnny “The Hard Man” Dexter to equalise. Result 1-1. The match would still have ended 1-1!

Yeah, but what if Johnny “The Hard Man” Dexter’s shot had hit the post?

The jittery defence would feel their jitteriness go up to eleven, they would know that they couldn’t hold out. Even though they were able to clear a few chances, and even though one of these clearances turned in to a through ball for their attackers, the defence wouldn’t be able to relax. Eventually a clumsy attempt at a “clearance” would find it’s way to the dancing feet of Roy Race. Naturally, Racey would curl the ball in to the corner of the net. Result 1-1. The match would still have ended 1-1!

What’s the moral of this undeniably scientific proof?

It’s simple; it doesn’t matter what you do there are times when you’re just not meant to win a football match, especially if you’re Sam Allardyce.





Everything that’s wrong with That Modern Football in 112 characters

9 11 2014
At roughly 10:36 yesterday evening the official Premier League’s official twitter account ejaculated this tweet in to the public domain;
‏”@premierleague @SouthamptonFC are the 11th side in #BPL history to have conceded 5 or fewer goals after 11 games”

What the flipping heck?

There are at least ten things wrong with this tweet.

Firstly, it exists.

Secondly, it exists.

Thirdly, it exists.

Fourthly, someone from the premier league organisation actually typed this tweet.

Fifthly, “#BPL history”

Sixthly, “#BPL history”

Seventhly, someone from the premier league organisation actually typed “#BPL history”

Eigthly, has there ever been anything significant about an eleventh side doing the same thing as the ten previous sides?

Ninthly, does anyone actually care about this level of analysis?

Tenthly, this tweet owes its existence to the illusory situation that pretentious people created for themselves.

There are fools that think they truly understand football. Not only do these fools not understand football they don’t understand the idea that enthusiastic amateurs will gain nothing from the application of numbers to sportsman with grass strains on their shorts. It’s hard enough to accurately predict what will happen in the future by looking at what happened in the past, it’s even harder when a muddy 18 yard box and a clumsy defender are involved.

Football is something you either get or you don’t, when you get football you understand it. A pseud with a calculator and spreadsheets will never understand football.





It’s Poppytime™ again

30 10 2014

It’s almost November, cue the poppy related social media outrage!

>@Snowmonkey78 – “My overcrowded train is decidedly short of people wearing poppies, cmon peeps show your appreciation”
>@HML2311 – “If people will insist on wearing the poppies with the leaf, could they please point the leaf in the right direction??#PoppyAppeal #BBC”
>@Tara_Hewitt – “White Poppies are “about egos of those people wearing them” red poppies are about the memory of those who defended our nation #poppyappeal”
>colonel gadeafi ‏@BennyFreer – “It really irritates me that so many people have stopped wearing poppies!”
>@liamg4565 – “The amount of people not wearing poppies these days is shocking #armedforces #respect

Needless to say some football fans add their own spin.

@dj_gor – “It’s that time o year again when I think to myself, if I was a football manager, I’d immediately transfer anyone who refused to wear a poppy”
British football is once again going to willingly involve itself in “Remembrance Oneupmanship”, the zero sum game created by our right wing media. Firstly, the walls around White Hart Lane have been disrespectful for far too long;

Tottenham create a Poppy wall outside White Hart Lane as they offer their support to the British Legion Poppy Appeal (Daily Mail article)

Secondly, we need football voices to guide us during Poppytime™.

Arsene Wenger and John Terry to voice London Underground announcements

The voices of Arsene Wenger and John Terry will be heard making announcements on the London Underground tomorrow as part of London Poppy Day.

Mikel Arteta, Andros Townsend, Joey Barton, Rob Green, Scott Parker, Dan Burn and Ben Davies will also voice announcements at stations near their respective London clubs in aid of the Royal British Legion’s annual appeal.”

There are probably more suitable candidates for the job than John Terry and Joey Barton, what’s wrong with the generic voice they use for speaker announcements?

There will be shirt poppies again and like last year they’ll be the athletic performance aiding iron on versions rather than the scratchy embroidered versions that may momentarily cause the wearer of the shirt to pause and contemplate why they’re wearing them on their shirts. Rather worryingly “Remembrance Oneupmanship” is spreading beyond the boundaries of professional football;
@BridTownAFC – “The Poppy’s for our shirts have arrived today, thanks to everyone who helped pay for them. #YourTownYourTeam
@hassocksfc – “We will proudly be wearing out @Poppies4Kits poppies for Remembrance Day on all kits
@Deborah71 – “@Poppies4Kits.- “Washington Afc Lions (u8)will be wearing our poppies with pride for our games on 8th Nov#PeelStickPlay
A group called “Poppies 4 Kits” are responsible for popularising the iron on poppy transfers;
@clubwebsite - “Want your team to wear a poppy on your shirts this #RemembranceDay weekend? Check out @Poppies4Kits – all proceeds to the @PoppyLegion.”
@McArdleSportTec – “Want your team to wear a poppy on your shirts this #RemembranceDay weekend? @Poppies4Kits – all proceeds to the @PoppyLegion @crowmarshfc”
Poppies 4 Kits are connected to the British Legion and they want everybody to get involved;
So we’ve developed an easily applied self-adhesive woven patch that players can wear for a match or a couple of matches and remove afterwards.

Even spectators can apply these poppies to their garments to show support for their team as well as an excellent cause.

They may feel that their desire is commendable but look at their hashtag.
@Deborah71 - “@Poppies4Kits.- “Washington Afc Lions (u8)will be wearing our poppies with pride for our games on 8th Nov#PeelStickPlay
A hashtag may allow the twitter generation to get involved in something with making any effort but the “oh look how easy it is!!!” nature of #PeelStckPlay highlights that Poppies 4 Kits is essentially a counter-productive gesture. The commemoration of the commencement of the First World War’s needless slaughter requires contemplation rather than easy conformity with the oppressive atmosphere driven by our right wing media. There should be a different way to do things.




Sleepwalking Football Clubs and the UKIPs

27 10 2014

Kidderminster Harriers have decided to give the UKIPs an advertising board at their ground. In other words the Harriers have decided to take the UKIPs money and help them to gain publicity.

The “Jump Jet Ultras” shouldn’t become justifiably angry at this, they should see the UKIPs advert as an opportunity for a bit of fun.

At first the clean board would appear.

vote-ukip11

Things could start off simply in the first week.

vote-ukip3

The first replacement could be decorated like this.

vote-ukip-the-common-sense-party

The next replacement board could be treated like this.

vote-ukip2

The third week’s board could look like this.

vote-ukip10

The fourth week’s chess move could look like this.

vote-ukip7

By the fifth week the battle of wills could be see this philosophical parry.

vote-ukip9

The sixth week of the cat and mouse struggle could see this.

vote-ukip8

The next replacement could finally see a football direction.

vote-ukip6

The eighth week could see another football angle.

vote-ukip4

The last replacement could see a continuation of the football theme.

vote-ukip5

Needless to say the “Jump Jet Ultras” would win.

Who said there’s no art in football!





Celebrating a decade of disconnected decadence

26 10 2014

The history of association football has been reduced to a parade of scintillating articles on scintillating subjects.

Premier League Playback: Can Mourinho vs. Wenger become greatest managerial rivalry?

Gone are the days of Arsene Wenger vs. Sir Alex Ferguson as the Premier League’s most intriguing managerial battle. Wenger now has a new sparring partner: Jose Mourinho.

This feud has been bubbling up since 2004 when Mourinho first managed Chelsea and last season his jibes that Wenger was a “specialist in failure” taunted Arsenal’s boss, as the Portuguese manager has never lost a game to Arsenal. In 12 games vs. Wenger, Mourinho has now won seven and drawn five followingChelsea’s 2-0 defeat of Arsenal on Sunday.

[RELATED: Watch full match replays]

All of that pent up frustration surrounding Mourinho proved too much for Wenger to handle on Sunday on the touchline at Stamford Bridge as Gary Cahill clattered into Alexis Sanchez in front of the benches in the first half.

Wenger was furious and wandered towards the Chelsea bench where Mourinho began to wave Arsenal’s manager back dismissively. Much like a schoolyard argument escalating rather quickly, Wenger shoved Mourinho with both hands in the center of his chest and Mourinho got up in the Arsenal bosses face. Physical confrontations between two PL managers does not happen often, if ever…….

……..Some top managerial duels in PL history

Keegan vs. Ferguson – During the 1995/96 season, Kevin Keegan delivered the famous “I’d love it” speech after Fergie’s accusations. Manchester United went onto win the title with a stunning comeback as Newcastle crumbled but the feud lasted for a few seasons.

Wenger vs. Ferguson – This is the managerial battle all will be measured by. During the 90’s and early 2000’s, Arsenal and United tossed the PL title back and forth. The bitter rivalry between Wenger and Ferguson will be talked about for decades to come. It’s the stuff legends are made of.

Benitez vs. Mourinho – Liverpool and Chelsea battled it out domestically and in the UEFA Champions League with ‘Rafa’ not a favorite with Moruinho or Chelsea’s fans. So much so that when Benitez managed Chelsea on an interim basis in 2013, Blues fans booed him despite a top four finish and a Europa League title. The hatred remains.

Pellegrini vs. Mourinho – Mourinho is a busy man, as he has another potential feud bubbling up as he handles Wenger. Man City boss Pellegrini became riled up with Mourinho last year over several comments and the two keep sniping back and forth. Slow burner, but could overtake Mourinho vs. Wenger……

Warning; the rest of that article contains needless statistical analysis. Now for a bit of commemorative comparison!

Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea 2014/15 Team vs. His 2004/05 Premier League Champions

Still unbeaten this season with just two points dropped in the Premier League, Jose Mourinho‘s Chelsea are looking formidable.

For many, they’re the favourites to win the title, with some even predicting the Blues could go the entire league campaign undefeated, emulating Arsenal‘s “Invincibles” of 2003/04.

That would be a big ask, even of this Chelsea team, but it’s a prediction that comes with it’s merits.

Chelsea look redoubtable right now, and with strength in depth across every position, there aren’t many sides who look like they could get the better of them……

While we’re on the subject of ten year anniversaries.

Manchester United v Arsenal: Pizzagate revisited – 10 years on

“All eyes turned and all mouths gawped to see this pizza slip off that famous puce face and roll down his nice black suit.”

The excerpt from Ashley Cole’s autobiography may sound like a tale from a school dinner hall.

In fact, it is a snapshot from the farcical scenes in the Old Trafford tunnel that followed Manchester United’s tempestuous 2-0 victory over Arsenal on 24 October 2004, a result that ended the Gunners’ 49-match unbeaten run.

As players and officials from both sides clashed in the tunnel, United manager Alex Ferguson was struck by a slice of pizza thrown by an Arsenal player, later alleged to be Cesc Fabregas.

Further details of the so-called “Battle of the Buffet” have always been sketchy, with some tabloids claiming at the time that soup and sandwiches were among the edible projectiles deployed by rival players.

With the help of testimonies from managers and players on both sides, and fresh insight from Phil Neville, who was at the heart of United’s midfield on the day, BBC Sport revisits “Pizzagate”, 10 years on……

The commemoration of a squabble that would shame 11 year olds highlights what many have suspected; football has become little more than another content provider for our media.

Now that we’re on the path to dis-enlightenment we can look forward to celebrating the following commemorations over the next couple of weeks.

26th October is the tenth anniversary of Gary Megson’s “West Brom manager sacking ceremony”.

29th October is the tenth anniversary of Adrian Mutu’s “Chelsea contract cancelling ceremony”.

5th November is the tenth anniversary of Martin Jol’s “Tottenham caretaker manager naming ceremony”.

8th November is the tenth anniversary of the removal of “caretaker” from Martin Jol’s job title.

9th November is the tenth anniversary of Bryan Robson’s “West Brom manager naming ceremony”.

I can’t remember which ring of hell we’re in at the moment.





My ultimate dinner party, brought to you by a corporate sponsor

5 10 2014

Many people have been asked for their “Utimate Dinner Party Line-Up”™ Here’s is the line-up for the Jet Set’s dinner party brought to you by a corporate sponsor (Can you guess who the corporate sponsor is?)

Oct 5 019

Let me take you through the line-up from left to right.

Ollie Reed and George Best for the glamour, Jeffrey Lebowski for the White Russians, Ken Loach for obvious reasons, Stefan Edberg for the trainers, Curtis Stigers for the songs or Tony Curtis for the stories (Depending on availability) Saul Bellow or Paul the Apostle (Depending on work commitments).

I think you’ll agree that we’ll have an ace dinner party, especially as we’ll be eating Bird’s Eye Shepherd Pie AND Arctic Roll.

 





Laughed? I nearly shat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 10 2014

Newcastle United fans made a wonderful banner today.

PAY-Premier-League

It was so wonderful the Mirror went with;

Newcastle fans reveal latest protest banner showing Toon league form… which is NOT a town in Wales

ESPN went with;

Newcastle fans’ brilliant gallows-humour at Swansea match

The Star went with;

Newcastle fan group unveil HILARIOUS anti Alan Pardew banner at Swansea’s Liberty Stadium

The Bleacher Report went with;

Newcastle Fans Unveil Genius Banner at Swansea Match

Yeah wooooohooooooo, LET’S HEAR IT FOR GENIUS HUMOUR!!!!

The Newcastle banner does sound so funny, hilarious, or genius when you know that “LLWDLLLWWLWLLLLLWLLDDLD” is actually a real town in north Wales, it’s near Caernarfon in case you’re bothered.

There are actually more vowels in Welsh lovely boy, look you.








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