A couple of days ago a Welsh Premier message board wag asked why people didn’t seem to like visiting XXX NXX SXXXXX Luxury Football Franchise.
Xxxxxxxxx (The obscured user name of a Welsh Premier Message Board User) the park hall luxury experience is as difficult to swallow as a rancid 6 day old kebab in a mould encrusted pitta that’s smothered in putrefying chilli sauce whilst your so-called mates squirt mace in your eyes, kick you in the shins and force you to listen to the new Kaiser Chiefs’ song. Having said that at least you’d have your dignity after that kebab experience.
Blueroyle laaaaaa if I were you I’d stop handing out cold custard skin otherwise within a decade the park hall luxury football experience will have fallen in to complete disuse. You’re probably putting people off.
Two weeks ago we were watch Man Utd v West Brom / Arsenal v Everton in a pub full of football fans in the centre of Oswestry and no-one followed us out of the door when we left for the park hall luxury football experience, even though a poster near the door clearly offered free TNS tickets.
Perpetual success, a relatively decent standard of local football and yet no-one’s interested. People won’t even take free tickets. That’s got to tell you something.
On the other hand, the park hall luxury football experience has only been there for nearly 7 years, let’s give it chance, some people in the Oswestry area won’t know that it’s there yet.
With this in mind the park hall luxury football experience should involve a publicity-hungry person to sell the idea of a luxury footballing experience in the local area. If I was them I’d start with getting stories to the local press or making sure the BBC Shropshire covered matches……
…..Whadda ya mean that already happens?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I’m confused now, why aren’t people going?”
Someone connected to that luxury football experience replied to that post so the wag offered some satirical solutions for the crowd problems of The New Saints Luxury Football Experience Franchise;
What a comeback xxxxxxxxx, what a comeback.
Bravo, encore, encore!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, back to the point, why aren’t people bothering your luxury football experience?
Even with perpetual success, a relatively decent standard of local football no-one’s interested. People won’t even take free tickets. Why’s that?
I’d say that you need a few more marketing ideas and I’ve got a few more ideas that can help you out.
1) Launch a “much-needed” takeover of Newtown, Aberystwyth, Caersws and Cefn Druids and then rechristen the new club “THE MID WALES COSMOS OF MID WALES OF PARK HALL, NEWTOWN, CEFN MAWR, DRUIDS, CAERSWS AND ABERYSTWYTH FC”
2) Launch a hostile takeover of the other 11 WPL clubs and rename the club “THE WPL ALL STARS OF THE PARK HALL LUXURY EXPERIENCE FC”
3) Rechristen you club as “THE PARK HALL LUXURY FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE OF PARK HALL FC”
4) Press gang people out of the pubs of Oswestry and then rechristen the club “PRESS GANGED FANS OF THE PARK HALL LUXURY FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE FC”
5) Pay people to attend home games, then rechristen the club “WE PAY YOU TO TURN UP FC OF PARK HALL BUT NOT OSWESTRY OR LLANSANTFRAID”
6) Hand free megaphones, with 3 different pre-programmed tunes!!, to every paying customer upon entry and then rechristen the club “A FREE MEGAPHONE AT EVERY GAME AND I’LL GET MY COMPANY’S NAME (INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE) ON FINAL SCORE OF THE PARK HALL LUXURY FOOTBALL EXPERIENCE FC”
Be grateful not nasty xxxxxxxxx, I could have charged you for this blue sky thinking but I’m letting you have it for nothing.
The day after the wag made the suggestions, today, XXX NXX SXXXXX Luxury Football Franchise put this on their website;
March 26, 2014
The New Saints of Oswestry Town and Llansantffraid Football Club, are on course to win a third Corbett Sports Welsh Premier League title in a row this season, thus ensuring qualification into the UEFA Champions League.
Any supporter of The New Saints (TNSFC) who gets to talk on either Radio 5 live, Talk Sport or Radio Wales in regards to the Oswestry based side, will be donated £20 by the club.
These National Radio stations regularly have phone-in programmes promoting the beautiful game.
Get ringing and win £20!
Some of the Radio stations that have popular Football shows that you can call include the following:
You can call BBC Radio 5live on 0500 909 693, and share your opinions on the following shows.
5liveSport – Presented by Mark Chapman or Mark Pougatch.
606 – Presented by Darren Fletcher or Kelly Cates.
The Non-League Football Show – Presented by Caroline Barker.
You can call Talksport on 08717 22 33 44, and share your opinions on the following shows.
Call Collymore – Presented by Stan Collymore.
Andy Goldstein’s Sports Bar – Presented by Andy Goldstein.
The Alan Brazil Sports Breakfast – Presented by Alan Brazil.
You can also call BBC Radio Wales on 03700 100 110, and share your opinions on the following show.
Radio Wales Sport – Presented by Simon Davies.
BBC Radio Wales phone in show – Presented by Rob Phillips.
To claim the £20 , fans must record the interview/phone-in conversation and send it to the club.
Please send your TNS related audio clips to email@example.com”
God how I wish I was joking but this really happened, it really happened. Yes, it really happened.
XXX NXX SXXXXX Luxury Football Franchise are actually going to “donate” £20 to people if they phone up radio stations and mentions XXX NXX SXXXXX Luxury Football Franchise. Yes, they’re going to donate money to people as though we’re lepers
There’s no place for franchising in Welsh football.